Emmys 2013 Recap: Interpretive Television Dancing and Oh my God Everyone is Dead

YOU GUYS, YOU MADE JON HAMM SAD

Well, in lieu of a live-blog, here is our moment to moment Emmys recap, of the weirdest and most depressing telecast that has aired in FOREVER. If you read this even a little bit you will see I get way more confused and frustrated and way less diplomatic around 9:30. Not my fault. I blame whoever directed it.

One bit of full disclosure- because Ben was wrapped up in Breaking Bad, I had two Twitters and a live blog to man, and as a result, @PopCultInformed fell by the wayside. To see up to the minute tweets, you can check my personal Twitter, @ninastarner, because I am shamelessly self-promoting. Sorry, guys! Multitasking is hard!

Anyway, here we go…

8:05- It begins! NPH is in Booth Jonathan’s TV box from Girls!

8:06- Someone made the wise decision to score the dance montage to the Name Game from AHS: Asylum.

8:09- Kind of underwhelming video opening. “Underwhelming” is an understatement, actually. Hopefully the monologue looks up…?

8:10- Cute contact bit. Not said sarcastically.

8:11- Who wrote this monologue? I hope they’ve been promptly fired. Lackluster is a… kind word.

8:12- Wait, was it all some kind of meta joke? What’s happening with Jimmy Kimmel? I’m feeling kind of good about it… but I’m an optimist.

8:13- What….is…..going….on?

8:14- Conan is making this mildly better. WAIT, this House of Cards joke is priceless. PRICELESS I SAY. Why didn’t they do more of this kind of thing?!?!

8:15- AMY AND TINA. THE SHOW IS SAVED.

8:16- Tina and Amy make everything better. So, all in all, this is going to be an awful awards show…?

8:18- Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series goes to ….Merritt Wever in Nurse Jackie! Immediately after receiving the award, she runs away, which was hilarious and maybe the best Emmy speech I’ve ever seen. That being said… JENNA MARONEY 4EVER. Another amazing comedic actress, going completely overlooked. She should have won an Emmy just for the Rural Juror song.

8:23- LL Cool J and Malin Akerman. Because we can.

8:25- Best Comedy Writing goes to Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield for “Last Lunch.” Tracey is ADORABLE, and their speech is really cute.

8:26- Neil Patrick Harris needs to hire new writers. Or stick to hosting the Tonys.

8:28- Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series goes to….TONY HALE!!!!!! YES!!!!! Finally, BUSTER BLUTH COMES OUT ON TOP! Very lovely and gracious speech, he really deserved this. (This is Nina speaking… I cried during his speech.)

8:34- Based on the proceedings so far, has the Modern Family lovefest ended? It seems to be going that way, with them being 0-3 right now… We can only hope. The actors are very talented, but there is SO MUCH happening on TV right now that it seems ridiculous to keep handing things to a show that’s often schmaltzy and repetitive.

8:37- Jon Hamm is the manliest man of all men.

8:38- Best Actress in a Comedy Series goes to….Julia Louis-Dreyfus, for the second year in a row! A wonderful actress who consistently gives a wonderful performance on Veep. Tony Hale follows her onstage, in character, holding her purse. #SelinaMeyer2016! Also love Anna Chlumsky texting in character during the speech.

8:40- GOB seems miffed that his brother got recognized over him.

8:44- Gail Moncuso wins for Best Directing in a Comedy Series, the second woman to ever win! She did win for Modern Family… so it begins.

8:45- Helloooo, Sofia’s twins. She always takes them out for parties.

8:45- Best Leading Actor in a Comedy Series goes to… Jim Parsons. Again. A change up would have been nice, especially in favor of either C.K. or Baldwin. I’ll try not to sound too bitter, I promise.

8:57- I’ll be honest, my eyes are glazing over just a smidge during this Elton John thing. Also why is Elton singing and NPH isn’t?!?

9:00- Emmys producers, last week: “Listen, people are going to switch to Breaking Bad at 9pm, we need a plan. I know what’ll keep the young people interested! Elton John, covered in sequins, singing a very slow tribute to a man who died a while ago!”

9:04- Best Leading Actress in a Miniseries goes to Laura Linney! She’s great, but the Big C Epilogue was pretty widely panned. I have to admit I’m sad to see Jessica Lange overlooked for her outstanding work on AHS: Asylum, but fingers crossed that Sarah Paulson and Zachary Quinto still have it in them.

9:10- The How I Met Your Mother bit about hosting is better than NPH’s actual hosting job so far… even the Intervention Banner makes an appearance!!

9:13- Writing for a Drama Series goes to Henry Bromell for Homeland, for its very spotty second season… given posthumously, as Bromell suffered from a torn aorta earlier this year. Extremely sad.

9:15- Supporting Actress in a Drama Series goes to… Anna Gunn for Breaking Bad. Well deserved.

9:17- I will not make any pithy comments about the Cory Monteith tribute. I’m sad.

9:25- IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME FOR YOU TO SING, NEIL. THANK GOD.

9:27- Captain Hammer (one of the undisputed best humans ever) and Sarah Silverman are here to make everything even more awesome. I’m ALWAYS game for a mini Dr. Horrible reunion.

9:29- Mindy’s dress is weird up top but it makes her look really skinny.

9:36- Kerry Washington’s dress is a disaster. Not a winner’s dress. Diahann Carroll is a seriously elegant lady, though.

9:38- Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series goes to Bobby Cannavale, a SERIOUS underdog! Good for him!

9:41- Jeff Daniels wins Lead Actor in a Drama Series, in a HUGE upset. I couldn’t stop laughing, partly because The Newsroom is so ludicrous and partly because I was afraid I’d cry over Jon Hamm losing again.

9:45- Nope, still in shock.

9:46- I muted Carrie Underwood. She was pooping all over “Yesterday.” I just can’t with this telecast.

9:50- My very funny friend Brian Pope, re: this telecast: “Go home, Emmys, you’re drunk.”

9:55- Claire Danes wins, again. They do usually just throw Emmys at her when she shows up, so. She is really excellent on Homeland, but Kerry would have made history!

10:00- DAVID FINCHER WINS! And isn’t there. I am unreasonably happy that the extremely gorgeous Carrie Preston has an Emmy.

10:02- Why does Jim Parsons have three Emmys and Bob Newhart has one, that he JUST won last week?!

10:05- After a hilarious reel, Writing for a Variety Show goes to Colbert and his excellent team. They’ll lose to the Daily Show for the big one, so I’m glad they were recognized for this.

10:07- I didn’t know Directing for a Variety Series was a category, but the director of Timberlake’s latest SNL wins.

10:09- Don Roy King gives a touching speech while his teenage daughter cries tears of joy in the audience. Finally, a moment of normalcy.

10:15- I don’t have a lot of feelings about the Choreography Award business but it’s lovely to see all of these people get recognized in primetime.

10:16- Nevermind, I didn’t need to see ALL OF THESE NUMBERS.

10:20- Nevermind SO HARD. If that’s what we have to go through, they shouldn’t be recognized in prime time. We just watched guys in Haz-Mat suits hold cubes and do an interpetive Breaking Bad dance and everyone just acted like that was normal and okay. That was the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen on TV and I watched that episode of the Kardashians where Kourtney chased Scott around wearing a strap-on.

10:23- WHOA! After TEN YEARS of the Daily Show reigning supreme, Colbert takes Best Variety Show home! Good for him!

10:26- Edie Falco brings the feels for her very sad James Gandolfini tribute. Again, no sassy comments ever. I teared up.

10:29- ALLISON JANNEY IS SUCH A HOT PIECE.

10:32- NPH makes a joke about no one winning their Emmy pools. Thanks for that.

10:33- Someone named Abi Morgan wins for writing something called The Hour… sure! Why the fuck not!

10:35- A deserving James Cromwell takes home Supporting Actor in a Miniseries for his really gross and awesome work in AHS: Asylum.

10:37- And… another In Memoriam tribute with the same Yo Yo Ma song they play every year. Okay. This one is weird because it’s, like, for the less important dead people.

10:48- Steven Soderbergh wins for Best Directing in a Miniseries and everyone acts surprised.

10:50- SARAH PAULSON IS ROBBED by a woman wearing a nightgown for Best Actress in a Miniseries.

10:56– Bryan Cranston and Claire Danes present Best Actor in a Miniseries, while Cranston makes a sad joke about losing. Somewhere, Jeff Daniels squirms in his seat.

10:57- Everyone puts their surprised faces on again when Michael Douglas wins Best Actor in a Miniseries.

11:00- Behind the Candelabra wins Best Miniseries because sure, why not. I definitely loved AHS: Asylum but the acting was the standout in that show. I mean, they had an alien subplot for no reason at all. I can’t get mad about this one.

11:04- Are we done yet? Please? Can we be?

11:05- At least Will Ferrell and… some small children are finishing this… what?

11:06- Will Ferrell is wearing SHORTS and has three small kids in tow. This is incredible. Thank god this is happening.

11:06- Best Comedy Series goes to FUCKING MODERN FAMILY SORRY GUYS I’M TIRED I AM VERY TIRED OF THIS

11:08- It is sad to remember, every year at the Emmys, that formulaic sitcoms with the same jokes every year win over shows that are changing comedy.

11:09- Breaking Bad wins Best Drama, so that’s pretty great, but seriously, I am finished here because this telecast sucked the life out of me with all of its death and weirdness. See you all tomorrow for Ben’s and my review of whatever just happened!

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