HOLY FUCKING SHIT, YOU GUYS. The ante is up, the bar has been raised. This season is unstoppable. Let’s get into it. (Also, I’m going to have to start putting in spoiler cuts, because yeah.)
We open the episode with Fiona, who can’t sleep, pouring herself a nice scotch and settling in for a flashback. Going back to the same house in 1971, we meet Young Fiona, played by Riley Voelkel, who just… I’m sorry. She doesn’t even get near the level of Lange’s fabulousness. Nobody really can. Anyway, Young Fiona is facing off against her mentor and Supreme predecessor, Anna Leigh (the absolutely legendary Christine Ebersole, filling the diva void while Jessica Lange is offscreen), who tells her that until she can produce the Seven Wonders, she can’t be the next Supreme- she just isn’t ready. Obviously, not even Edie Beale can tell Fiona how to live her life, so Young Fiona cuts Anna Leigh’s throat and gets
Russell Edgington Young Spalding to clean up the body. I think I felt shocked by this at the beginning of the episode, mostly because I didn’t anticipate the level of crazy that would follow. Oh, how young and naive I was.
It doesn’t look like we’re going to find out what the Seven Wonders are specifically for a little while (which is killing me) but what we DO know is that each Wonder is a different power, and one of them is definitely fire. Madison suddenly realizes that she can set things on fire, and uses that power to torch Patti LuPone’s curtains when the reigning goddess of Broadway kicks her out of her house for hitting on her super hot son. (Alexander Dreymon, where have been all my life?!) As soon as Fiona realizes this, post diva-off with Patti (playing a cray cray Christian who hands out Bibles whenever she goes anywhere… yikes), she decides to take Madison under her wing. Yeah, that’ll end well. Fiona has Madison test out her traffic-stopping, fire-setting powers in public over mimosas and waffles, all the while glaring at her like she wants to rip her face off and wear it (well, that would be one way to look younger!). I would tread carefully were I Madison but she just keeps traipsing around in bandage dresses, shooting pool and shotgunning whiskey. Calm down, Lohan.
The really great thing about Coven as as disgusting and fucked up as it can get, it has a much lighter side than Asylum, which was kind of just uncompromising sadness and misery for an entire season, and the lighter side finds itself in LaLaurie’s adjustment to the modern world. She sits alone in her room, sobbing over Obama’s re-election, and when Fiona tells her that we’ve had black Secretaries of State, Supreme Court justices, and even Poet Laureates, LaLaurie loses it, hissing, “Lieeeeessss!!!” LaLaurie’s about to feel a lot worse, though, since she’ll be donning an apron and serving as Queenie’s new personal assistant, because there’s nothing Fiona “hate[s] more than a racist.” I’m just saying, if I ever see Jessica Lange in person, I’ll be torn as to whether I should hug her or run away as fast as possible. Maybe both.
Meanwhile, Zoe goes to see Kyle’s mom, played by Mare Winningham with dreads and a chin piercing. Fantastic. Suicidal Mare has broken into her dead son’s pot stash and can’t stop crying, so Zoe goes to Misty’s Love Shack to retrieve Kyle. FrankenKyle still can’t speak or really do anything, but at least his eyes are open now! Misty’s pretty unhappy about her little pet leaving, and doesn’t believe Zoe when she says she’ll come back, ending this scene with a Stevie-style spin that only AHS could make ominous and creepy. When Zoe returns FrankenKyle to his loving mother, however, he looks panicked, which we later find out (AUGHHHH) is because Mama Alicia (NOOOOOOOO) has been sexually abusing her son for years (WHYYYYYYY). I did not know, coming into this season, that we would arrive at a mother-to-son handjob at any point. But we have. That happened. FrankenKyle hits his limit with his disgusting mama, so he bashes her face in several times over with a trophy. Bye, Mare Winningham’s chin piercing. I will not miss you. Zoe arrives just in time to find a bloodied Kyle, but I’m not worried about her. FrankenKyle’s constipated zombie face is just a smidge happier when Zoe is around.
In the corner of New Orleans where Boring Cordelia is lurking, she finds out she absolutely cannot have children, which leads her to Marie Laveau’s salon. Marie is busy playing iPad solitaire in her alligator head chair because Boring Cordelia is still too boring to deal with, but she paints a pretty picture of how Boring Cordelia could have a boring baby – she could go through a hilarious looking voodoo ritual that requires her to be covered in goat’s blood. Oh, and other than a $50,000 fee, the ritual requires “two ounces of your husband’s baby gravy in a mason jar,” another thing I didn’t think I’d see on television screens this fall! (I bet Marie could totally sell that shit at a farmer’s market though if she just called it “artisanal.”) Marie is just kidding though, you guys. Boring Cordelia is Fabulous Fiona’s daughter, so she isn’t going to get any voodoo-babies. “She done messed with the wrong witch,” Marie purrs, in a way only Angela Fucking Bassett can pull off. Everyone on this show is so goddamn awesome. I can’t even.
And then? THE SHIT ALL HITS THE FAN. The last 20 minutes of this episode was so epic that it was un-handle-able. First, Marie’s minotaur arrives for LaLaurie’s blood, and Queenie decides to take care of the situation. She’s been looking for somebody to love, so why not the minotaur? I DON’T KNOW, ANY NUMBER OF REASONS, INCLUDING THAT HE IS HALF BULL. I don’t think we know for sure yet if they had sex, but, like, yeah, they did. Ryan Murphy, your show is now the show where Precious banged a minotaur. I hope you’re proud. Then, Fiona tells Madison that she is literally sucking the life force out of her, as a rising Supreme does to a reigning one, and begs Madison to slash her throat like she did to Anna Leigh all those years ago. Madison clearly likes Fiona and doesn’t want to do it, but in the fight over the knife, Madison goes down with her throat wide open. Oops. Luckily, Spalding is waiting around to clean up, as usual, while Fiona finishes the episode with the best line ever: “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.”
I can’t believe this is only the THIRD EPISODE and we already have the spectacular murder of a series regular under our belt – that being said, the dead never stay dead on this show, so I’m guessing we haven’t seen the last of Julia Roberts’ Niece. I can’t wait for her to rise from her grave in a Herve Leger bandage dress, but more importantly, I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT NEW SHIT NEXT WEEK BRINGS. Is it Wednesday yet?