If it looks like bullshit, and smells like bullshit…

Is it just me, or did you think about this fake 30 Rock show every time they said “witch hunter?” Just me? Okay. Well, put down those mimosas, bitches. Shit’s getting realer, even though, to be completely honest, I kind of feel like I’m just biding my time now until STEVIE FUCKING NICKS SHOWS UP which is kind of the best thing that’s ever happened to both me and the entire universe. All right. Moving on. 

We open this week in 1919 NOLA, where at this time in the real, boring, non AHS universe, a real serial killer named The Axeman was wandering around making women dance to his sassy sax, and if they didn’t (or he got cockblocked) he would get all rage-murdery and pull a Lizzie Borden. The show does a nice job of dramatizing another real life event, casting the excellent Danny Huston as the killer and having him read a real letter that the Axeman wrote to New Orleans at large in voiceover while he kills more people. Over at Robichaux’s, a Gummer, who seems to be head of the coven (how many Gummers are there?! They’re like bedbugs! They’re EVERYWHERE!), decides to do something about the Axeman once and for all. After luring him over to their place with some smooth jazz, they stab the shit out of him. Huston is great, but this opening was pretty lackluster, at least compared to the rest of the insanity we’ve been treated to this season. Maybe it was the dinner-theatre rejects playing the jazz-age witches in training? Sorry, ladies, but show some spunk. I didn’t know witches could be so boring.

Luckily, we move back to present day, where Zoe, Nan and Queenie are being awesome per ushjz. Zoe (still TOTALLY unconcerned about Kyle, although I guess when you slaughter an army of Civil War zombies with a chainsaw you kind of forget about the frat boy that you resurrected… no, still a terrible excuse) did some snooping in Madison’s old room earlier that day, and amidst the vodka bottles and Teen Vogue editorials on Emma Roberts Madison, she finds a secret compartment with a Ouija board and old timey pictures of the school’s students through the years. Zoe can count, and she quickly realizes that four witches (well, three now) is too few, so over shots of absinthe (ew) the witches promise to have each other’s backs from now on. I guess part of that is trying to summon Madison through the Ouija board, but they end up summoning the Axeman instead, who you might refer to as a “vengeful spirit.” He does help Zoe out (after she makes a false promise to release him) by telling her that Madison’s hiding in the attic, where Zoe finds Madison and Spalding, who apparently doesn’t like to share his toys.

We cut to Cordelia, settling back in with some excellent burn makeup and cloudy contacts, but Hank is still following her around, even though she can still see every shitty thing he’s ever done just by touching his hands. (She also finds out about Fiona framing and burning Myrtle this way and is mad at her mom blah blah blah blah whatever.) Well, not EVERY shitty thing. Hank lurks his way over to Marie’s office, where we find out that HE’S A BITCH WITCH HUNTER (it’s a different link than the first one I PROMISE) whom Marie has been sending everywhere to track down witches, seduce them (I don’t think that’s actually part of the plan) and kill them! Oops! Incidentally, this gives us closure on sweet little Kaylee, the inadvertent firestarter and secret witch who was actually in New Orleans to have a chat with Cordelia. Marie is not only the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans but is also the Diction and Line Reading Queen of the World, but she wants some trophies to go with those titles, so she tells Hank to bring her the all the heads from Miss Robichaux’s and burn that mother down. Right, that should be really simple.

No one is surprised that Zoe managed to subdue Spalding with ease, and the girls have him tied up and a red-hot spatula on his face. Nan tries to force him to confess via clairvoyance, but he even lies in his thoughts, saying that he killed Madison to feel her “cold, stiff, unyielding mound” (NO FOREVER). The girls leave him be for now, even though Queenie, who makes the long-awaited Riff-Raff joke, really wants to murderball him, which honestly seems a little random.

Back in Misty’s Victory Garden, where still-crispy Myrtle is having a relaxing mud bath, Kyle, who is still basically an un-housebroken dog, shows up, because apparently we are not even going to DISCUSS what kind of shit he was getting into out in the real world. Misty gives him a bath because he looks like he was “rode hard and put away wet.” Is that was he was doing out there?! Anyway, of course Kyle doesn’t like people bathing him after Mommy Dearest, so he has a naked freakout (my notes here just say “butts!!!!”) and smashes Misty’s radio, which leads to the epic Lily Rabe falling to her knees and screaming, “HE BROKE STEVIE!” I love it. Love it so much. Zoe, I guess, remembers Kyle exists and arrives to pick him up, but takes Misty with them too so she can bring Madison back. She does so, after much pomp and circumstance (and bugs coming out of Madison’s mouth, ew!), and takes off immediately after (but not before stuffing her purse with bagels – as if Fiona would ever allow so many carbs in that house), telling the girls that she feels a nasty presence in that house.

Well, of course she does, because the Axeman is still hanging around, and he decides to torture Delia first. Huston and Paulson do some great stunt work, and downstairs, Deus Ex Machina Zoe finds the appropriate spell and releases the Axeman out into the world. That’s great. That’ll definitely end well.

Where have LaLaurie and Fiona been? This was a Bates-less episode, and I definitely felt it. Fiona, on the other hand, had to take a fabulous break after her legendary cigarette flick last week, so she heads to her first chemo session, hating her newfound clairvoyance and feeling extremely bummed out. She heads to a bar to drink in honor of her newly lost hair, and who should sit down next to her but the spirit of the Axeman. Most people would be worried about her, but I actually think they’d make a great couple.

With the lack of LaLaurie and the meh opening, this episode didn’t blow my mindhole quite as much as the previous four, but it laid down some excellent groundwork for the rest of the season – Marie waging full out war on our witches and using Hank as her pawn, Stevie Nicks showing up to be Misty’s new friend, and the repercussions of Madison’s return. Oh, and let’s not forget the only thing to say when you’re resurrected from the dead after serving as a human doll: “I need a cigarette.” Just as soon as you can keep that ginger ale down, sweetie. I don’t know how one’s anatomy is affected by resurrection, but I guess we’ll find out! See you next week, bitches.