American Horror Story: Zombie Bangarang

Marie, honey, you don’t need to look younger. You’re Angela Bassett, you’re already perfect.

I don’t even know what I’m watching anymore. I’ve started taking notes during the episode and I have to keep them in a safe or something because out of context, I look like a goddamn lunatic. Let’s roll.

You guys, they gave Evan Peters some lines so he can talk in his totally bizarre drawl (I just Googled him and he was apparently born in St. Louis, which doesn’t make any sense, but whatever)! At first I had no idea where this whole flashback was going besides that Ryan Murphy started to indulge in some Glee-level preachiness, but it took a perfect turn for the weird when Kyle checked his new Frankenbody and realized he has all the shitty Chinese gibberish tattoos (I AM NOT SAYING Chinese is gibberish, I’m saying these tattoos are probably not real words) that his friends got on their various limbs. We also learned, incidentally, not to make “your mom” jokes in front of Kyle. Zoe’s got a gun, all gussied up in her finest leather overalls, and makes a feeble attempt to use said gun on Kyle, who somehow bests her and tries to shoot himself in the head and then that entire scene really comes to nothing at all because Zoe like totally loves him. A for effort, Murphy. Zoe then chains Kyle up in her room in a disappointingly non-kinky way and tries to teach him basic words like “food” and “bed” and “butts” (I made that last one up) before Madison shows up, clad in all black and Frye boots, and tells Zoe to get out and go talk to Cordelia before snuggling up next to FrankenKyle.

Oh, speaking of Madison, she’s discovering there are some adverse side effects when you’re brought back from the dead, like, I don’t know, losing all feeling. Even going through Cordelia’s magic weed stash medicine box doesn’t help, because her undereye circles are still heinous and she’s sitting around setting her palms on fire. No wonder she tries to seduce a guy she recently re-stitched and reanimated. Well, at least she knows what she’s dealing with, if you know what I’m saying.

On the other hand, Queenie and LaLaurie ordering drive-thru is literally everything. They’re kind of bros now, since they both love food (blergh, fat girls love food, I expect more from AHS), but LaLaurie does point out to Queenie that the other girls will never consider her their equal just because she’s black. This drives Queenie down to Marie’s, since literally EVERYONE goes there at some point, and Marie tells her that “the voodoo doll belongs in the house of voodoo,” so, fair enough. However, Queenie has to deliver LaLaurie in person to get into the Voodoo Sorority, so therein lies the rub. Did I mention how fabulous Marie’s hair was during this scene? Because it was. I’m just saying.

Oh, Boring Cordelia runs into Madison and figures out who killed her and teams up with Zoe to kill Fiona and Creepy Hank has a ton of assault rifles because it’s legal for literally anyone to buy those here and yadda yadda yadda I’m done with that whole sideplot.

I’m shipping Fiona and Axeman so hard, you guys. Well, at first I was… kind of. The beginning of their super sexy ghost tryst seemed like an outtake from Sleep No More, plus we got a good hard luck at the jazz musician that the Axeman, well, axed to snag this sweet cockroach-infested pad, but then things got real dirty real fast. You get it, Fiona. (My notes here literally say “This is just like that Ke$ha song where she banged a ghost.” This is the kind of shit I write down.) Well, they have a lightbulb-smashing bang sesh before the Axeman gets real with Fiona, since he’s been ghosting on her since she was EIGHT YEARS OLD and in between running some fairly murdery errands for her at the Academy, like squishing a girl under a china hutch, his feelings for her got a lot sexier. Gross. Fiona reacts normally at first, bailing on him, but then more of her hair falls out and she bangs him again. Oh, Fiona. I feel like the correct reaction to losing your hair from chemo is to go out and buy a ridiculous Cher wig just to be super fabulous. I know the correct reaction is definitely not to bone a ghost, especially since you “don’t believe in ghosts,” which is a little hard to believe coming from a WITCH. This all being said, my notes here say “This is the best rom-com ever.” I give it a year before James Marsden and Emma Stone star in a ghost-based, super-murdery romantic comedy based on this very subplot. I would also definitely see that movie though, so, take heed, studio executives.

Spalding speaks! This is the episode where they’re letting the boys speak! Well, not for long. Zoe found Spalding’s still twitching tongue and quickly reattaches it, forcing him to confess that Fiona murdered Madison before straight up stabbing him in the heart. I love Denis O’Hare more than most people I know in real life, so I should be upset about this, but I am so far from concerned. No one on this show has ever legitimately died. He’ll probably be reincarnated as the coven’s new rug or something.

Meanwhile, Zoe’s still feeling confident in her cool new leather overalls (no, really, I have so many questions. Who makes those? Are they at all comfortable?!), and wanders into Madison’s room only to find real-life couple Evan Peters and Emma Roberts having crazy zombie sex. Hello, Evan Peters’ butt! It’s so good to see you again! Oh, those crazy kids. Zoe is a little freaked, so naturally she runs off to shower (which I guess is necessary when you’re covered in the butler’s blood) but Madison creeps up on her, telling her that FrankenKyle is the only boy who gets her and she’s not giving him up. This doesn’t mean that Zoe can’t have him, though. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: the zombie three-way. Zoe must be feeling really empowered thanks to the new powers and stabbing and overalls, so she goes ahead with the menage-a-undead. God, I love this show. Without it, I would never get to write things like “menage-a-undead.”

Before Queenie hands LaLaurie over to Marie, though, she needs to know the worst thing LaLaurie ever did- I guess to ease her own conscience. It’s a doozy, you guys. LaLaurie killed a newborn that she knew was the product of an affair (no, just kidding, probably rape) between her slave girl and awful husband, used the baby’s blood as an anti-aging serum (again, I am pretty sure that Clinique does NOT market that nowadays), and then the slave girl killed herself. Damn, Delphine. Despite knowing this, it made me SO sad to see LaLaurie, with her excited face and sad tiger sweatshirt on, get handed over to Marie so she can get a little anti-aging cream of her own. Really? She’s going to go full circle with this? Whatever, I could watch Angela Bassett stare into a camera with blood on her face for all eternity. (I do feel the same way, but I feel compelled to give my dear love Brian credit for saying that in the first place. I have really funny friends, so sometimes I just plagarize from them.)

Even though I love this rom-com, I’m a little over the Axeman, and I’m kind of ready for him to pass into the next life or explode into dust or whatever the fuck happens to reanimated ghosts on this show. Plus, Fiona needs to get her groove back – I can’t have my Supreme whining about hair loss and putting up with cockroaches. This simply will not do. Hopefully next week, we’ll have some more Fabulous Fiona moments to discuss. At the very least, we have THIS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. (Stevie Nicks is obviously a witch because she has not aged at all.) See you next week, where we’ll probably see Spalding come back to life and witness the aftermath of a zombie-a-trois!

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