Uh oh, guys. It’s Friday the Thirteenth. But instead of Jason coming for us, we’ve got confused Don Draper and Queen Bey to deal with.

-As literally everyone on the planet, dead or alive, now knows, Beyoncé dropped a surprise album either really early this morning or sometime last night (I’m having trouble figuring out which one) and subsequently BROKE THE INTERNET. The “visual album” is fourteen songs and SEVENTEEN videos and is available on iTunes now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my newsfeeds flip a shit this intensely before. Jennifer Lawrence could choose today to put that turkey on her head and dance naked in The Daily Show‘s studio and no one would notice. Brb while I buy this album real fast.

-Apparently, SNL has been secretly auditioning black women?! I don’t really understand the need for secrecy, especially because I’ve seen or heard of a handful of the ladies listed in the article and they’re all hilarious. I’ve been secretly dreaming they’ll kidnap Jessica Williams from The Daily Show but I would miss her special reports WAY too much. Anyway, come on, SNL! Hire one of these women and stop putting Kenan in dresses!!

–South Park, in its infinite wisdom, took on Kimye this week, running with the joke that Kim is actually a hobbit who’s just amazing at Photoshop, which sends Kanye goes on a press tour to prove his fiancée is NOT a Tolkien creature (though her pipe smoking habit and that one time she slayed a dragon with a bunch of dwarves are hard to explain). They make fun of Bound 2, obviously, and even throw in an “Imma let you finish” joke about the Pope winning Time‘s Person of the Year (which goes to show how quick Stone and Parker are, since that happened, I believe, ON WEDNESDAY.) As is to be expected, everything about it is brilliant.

-Re: less brilliant shows, Tosh.0 has been renewed for three more seasons (through season 8). I’m just not a big fan of Daniel “Sexist rape jokes are hilarious!” Tosh, though.

-Writers for Fast and Furious 7 are scrambling to rewrite parts of the movie in an effort to use the scenes that Paul Walker shot before his death. There are a lot of legal and financial issues related to this too, but it also seems very difficult to retire a character in a series about car racing when the actor died imitating art. Let’s all hope they find a tasteful way, somehow.

–Dann Florek, aka Captain Cragen, is leaving Law and Order: SVU. This comes on the heels of Richard Belzer’s exit, and to be honest, I never really got over Christopher Meloni leaving. When is enough enough, NBC?!

–Netflix has picked up a cartoon from Will Arnett and Aaron Paul called BoJack Horseman about a washed up horse star trying to reclaim his former glory and drinking a lot of whiskey. Amy Sedaris is also lending her voice to the project. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this sounds like the greatest show that has ever been or will ever be.

-In cute videos, Jimmy Fallon found footage of Amy Adams’ first onscreen work and they watched it together on his show. It’s a Grease themed bank commercial, so of course it’s amazing.

-And finally, the first teaser for Doctor Who‘s Christmas special (and Matt Smith’s final episode) dropped. I’m a few seasons behind, so I need time to deal with my emotions over saying goodbye to the adorable and hilarious Matt Smith. Wah.

Best of lists coming soon! Some time off will be taken for the holidays, so the lists will be up in the next week or so. Now, go spend too much money on gifts people don’t need!