Starting approximately seven minutes late, here we are with the Red Carpet Recap! For earlier “witticisms,” see my personal twitter, @ninastarner.

7:07- Cate Blanchett, looking stunning and edgy, tells Bono, “Your first album was great.” HAHAHAHAHA. The drop-back of her dress is unbelievable.

7:09- Melissa McCarthy arrives, looking classy as shit. No one is surprised.

7:11- Olivia Wilde also looks incredible, and Bradley Cooper is just the dreamiest motherfucker. I just wish he would speak some French.

7:13- Emma Watson is LITERALLY WEARING LEGGINGS under her dress and I can’t find it in my heart to be mad about it, because truth be told, I would pull that exact same shit if I could.

7:16- Blah blah blah Jim Parsons whatever I don’t care even though he’s going to fucking win again.

7:17- DiCaprio and Oscar Isaac are being super friendly on the carpet and it’s adorable.

7:18- Melissa McCarthy picked her dress because it has pockets – upon hearing that, every woman in America nods knowingly.

7:19- Julia Roberts is dressed up as Meryl Streep at an awards show. Literally. She’s wearing an oxford blouse under an evening gown.

7:24- Olivia Wilde looks cute with her little baby bump in her sparkly green dress, and tells Ryan Seacrest, “I’ve never had boobs before!” That’s the spirit!

7:26- Julia Louis-Dreyfus, a double nominee and usually a conservative dresser, picks an incredibly hot red number. Fuck. Yes.

7:29- E! will not show me the entirety of J-Law’s dress, I’m not sure about Sandra Bullock’s, and I DEFINITELY don’t know why Taylor Swift is friends with Julia Roberts.

7:30- JENNIFER LAWRENCE MONSTER CREEPS ON T-SWIFT. YES PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

7:32- J-Law tells Taylor she was going to push her down the stairs. I literally can’t.

7:33- And then one of Jennifer’s bracelets falls off and onto the carpet. I like her dress, by the by.

7:35- I’m not sure why the incredible Sarah Paulson looks like a cupcake I don’t want to eat.

7:43- Oh, look, it’s Tom Hanks. Rita Wilson looks really… sparkly.

7:45- “Who’s that girl with the tattoos all over her arms?” My mother, on Kelly Osborne.

7:45- “Is that Hillary Clinton?!” My mother, on Hayden Panetierre.

7:50- Zoe Saldana, ew. Not the person, but the dress. I expected so much better. Nice 10-carat GRAY DIAMOND, though.

7:52- Sofia Vergara and THE LADIES are here. She looks lovely, actually. Great statement necklace.

7:54- Switched to NBC, where they’re interviewing Michael J. Fox, the subject of an E! Fun Fact earlier tonight re: his Parkinsons. Yeah. Super fun fact.

7:48- Signing off from the red carpet, kids. See you for the telecast! I hope to be just as drunk as everyone there!