(Belated) American Horror Story Recap: Diva’s Lament

Do you think they would be Sharks or Jets?

Please excuse this late recap, everyone (Myrtle would NEVER approve), but I was away this past week and missed the episode. So, instead, this recap will go up the day before the season finale (SOB) which might actually be a little more timely!

Going into this episode, I wasn’t expecting anything beyond AHS‘s normal crazy, since their penultimate episode is usually just a hella lot of set-up (basically, the opposite of Game of Thrones, where Episode 9 is always batshit insanity awesomeness and then the finale is just “let’s lay down a foundation for next season yadda yadda”). I wasn’t COMPLETELY wrong, but man, did that ending totally kick my ass. Let’s dive in.

Stylistically, the opening was seriously one of the best I’ve seen in recent AHS memory. With no preface at all, we’re launched into one of those mimeograph movies from the early 20th century, detailing for us all of the Seven Wonders with old-timey witches performing them (seriously, it looked exactly like the Vigor clips from Bioshock: Infinite, so, AMAZING). I didn’t manage to write all of them down, but it was basically just moving shit around, moving yourself around, fire, mind control, whatever. You know. Magic. We then cut to Fiona, telling Queenie that she just needs to perform those to be the Supreme (yeah, OKAY, easy). Queenie isn’t impressed, and asks where she can find Marie, but Marie’s been MIA and, as usual, Fiona is completely unconcerned, saying she’s probably hanging out with “that half-baked Beetlejuice.” (Burn, Papa.) She’s also not putting up with the Queenie Sass Factor right now, so she Force Chokes the crap out of her and says that all of the girls will perform the Seven Wonders or die trying. So, no pressure.

Since Cordelia stabbed out those eyes that Myrtle so kindly procured for her, the makeup department has apparently decided to just find the grossest, clunkiest prosthetics possible. She looks like Yoda, mixed with a toad, if Toad Yoda stabbed his eyes with gardening shears, and within five seconds I was already so tired of looking at them. (Can Sarah Paulson even see anything through those?! God. I bet she misses Lana Winters as much as we all do.) Cordelia is tottering around annoying everyone trying to get her “second sight” back and OKAY I AM REALLY OVER THIS.

Meanwhile, Queenie, developing some fun new powers, tracks down Papa Legba, who tosses her in her own personal hell temporarily (the fried chicken place where she used to work, which would be hell for anyone but is especially torturous for Queenie), and then meets her again in the real world for some hot cocoa and marshmallows. (Note to self: Voodoo Satan likes mini Jet Puffed). He’s a super helpful deus ex machina, because he fills her in on the fun Delphine’s been having – after chopping Marie Laveau into pieces and scattering them across the city (what a depressingly brief death scene for Angela Bassett), she’s moved back into her old house and is GIVING DOCENT TOURS after ice-picking the former docent in the face. She’s also aged, so maybe Marie’s spell has faded? Queenie tracks her down and offers her a chance at redemption, but Delphine thinks redemption sounds pretty dumb, especially after watching Paula Deen and Carlos Danger try to apologize for their transgressions. (Great social commentary, and the shot of Kathy Bates hugging a teddy bear and a bowl of popcorn is literally everything.) Like Voldemort before her, when she refuses to feel remorse, she gets dead. I guess she can die now? Queenie seems pretty confident about Delphine’s mortality
while she’s stabbing her in the heart, and I guess Precious knows best. Another diva down.

Oh, thank god, we’re back to Fiona, who is sitting for her portrait and dying, and doing both fabulously. She gives Cordelia some fabulous necklace, which gives Cordelia her sight back or whatever, and once she pops her cat eyes in, she has a vision of Fiona laying waste to the entire coven and stealing that necklace right back. Well, for one, I’m relieved. Mopey, sick, lovey Fiona wasn’t doing much for me, and I say lovey because it’s clear that the Axeman is no longer a part of her plan – she has airline tickets out of the country and it doesn’t look like she’s booked a second seat. Cordelia goes to bore him with this information too, because she’s annoying and I’m tired of watching her.

Meanwhile, Cordelia is still moping around trying to find Misty, and when she and Queenie track down her tomb (where, naturally, Misty is singing “Landslide” to keep her spirits up), she makes Queenie do all the dirty work, magicking Misty out and breathing some life back into her. Speaking of blargh, Myrtle is poking at some flowers when Madison, Zoe and Kyle all arrive. Yes, Zoe and Kyle are back, because Florida is terrible. I guess when FrankenKyle, the resident “attack dog,” breaks a homeless guy’s neck, Disneyworld kind of stops being the most magical place on Earth. Anyway, Myrtle whines at all of them until finally, FINALLY, things start moving fast and getting crazy.

Misty arrives home, newly resurrected, and seriously lays waste to Madison (really, really fun fight choreography in this scene), but before they can really tussle, the Axeman shows up ready to kill them all. LOL, Axeman. Did you really think you had a shot against a full coven? Don’t you remember what happened last time? There’s blood all over him, and I regret to inform you that it’s Fiona’s. Luckily, they wrote her a fantastic monologue slash death scene, fit for a diva like Jessica Lange, but I seriously wish it didn’t end with him smashing an axe into the back of her skull. (Also, seriously, MAGIC. SHE KNOWS MAGIC. SHE REALLY COULD HAVE DEALT WITH THAT SITUATION.) It gets worse – he fed her to alligators, so she’s definitely not coming back. GODDAMMIT. Kyle, his hackles raised, offers to dispose of the Axeman, but the ladies push him out of the way, letting Madison chop him almost in half before they stab the absolute shit out of him.

Oh, and Delphine and Marie are in some weird hell where Marie has to torture Delphine and her daughters for all eternity, or something, so there’s their send-off, I guess?

I may have overreacted slightly while watching this episode – the last line of my notes just says “All the divas are dead. I don’t care anymore – but I’ll admit, I’m pretty psyched to see this whole Seven Wonders-off the finale is promising us. That being said, I’m extremely bummed about Fiona meeting her end so soon, since a showdown between her and a Baby Supreme would have been the best. Well, no crying over spilled witch blood, I guess. R.I.P., Fiona Goode, most fabulous fictional human ever. I hope you’re high-fiving a million angels and sipping a filthy martini.

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