American Horror Story Recap: America’s Next Top Witch

Instead of performing the Seven Wonders, the girls decided a sleepover was in order.

It’s over, you guys. This rollercoaster, batshit season of American Horror Story is over. And you know what? It didn’t go out with a bang so much as a whimper, I’ll be honest. At least we got Stevie back. Let’s roll, for the last time.

Yes, the White Witch (what does that title even mean? Is that a separate title from the Supreme? Why aren’t they competing to be the White Witch?! That sounds WAY cooler!) is back, filming a brand new music video for “Seven Wonders.” Naturally, it’s awesome. The girls are scattered across the school, setting things on fire and levitating shit and… reading books (no one ever said Zoe was fascinating, you guys). It’s kind of like cramming for finals, except with more shawls. Also magic.

Myrtle mumble-breathes about the Last Supper for what feels like an hour before serving her own version to the girls – caviar on blinis with champagne (naturally) – before Cordelia gives what she obviously thinks is a rousing speech, but is just a boring lament about losing her own childhood. We’re off to a slow start here. Let’s pick things up with some Wonders, which we do – starting with Telekinesis. Apart from Misty, who just doesn’t have any training, we move along without much of a hitch. Concilium, mind control, is pretty fucking hilarious, even though all of these girls are horribly uncreative and either just make the other person slap themselves or make Kyle make out with them (I’m looking at you, Zoe and Madison). But, when we get to Decensum (going to hell and coming back), things start to get a little sticky.

Queenie’s done this before, so she knows exactly how to get back out, and just seems pissed off that her hell hasn’t changed a bit. Madison comes out next, and her hell is HILARIOUS – it’s a live version of Sound of Music on NBC in which she’s forced to play Liesl. I literally could not. I died and went to my own hell, which looked similar. Zoe’s hell is one where Kyle keeps breaking up with her over and over again, proving once and for all that she is a total drip. Misty, the only one left, is reliving a grade school nightmare where she finds herself unable dissect a frog because she can’t control her necromancy, and thusly, she’s the first witch lost to the Wonders. Her time runs out, and she gets a sweet Voldemort-style explosion death. Well, I’ll miss Lily Rabe, and Cordelia is really butthurt about it, but the other girls want to keep up the contest. Moving on.

Transmutation is the next item on the list, which is basically teleportation, and it’s all fun and games at first – literally! For once, Queenie, Zoe and Madison get to have a little fun with each other, turning it into a game of tag. Well, it’s all fun and games until someone ends up impaled on a gate spike because they transmutated incorrectly, that someone being Drippy Zoe. Kyle looks extra constipated over this development, and they take her to the greenhouse (which is apparently Necromancy Headquarters now), insisting that Madison perform necromancy and bring her back. Madison, who is smart, doesn’t feel like it. Why should she resurrect a rival when she could kill a fly and bring that back to life (which she does)? At this point, I actually started wishing that Kyle could be the Supreme, because I was kind of over this whole thing and that would be a lot funnier.

Myrtle, who I guess is trying to shake things up, decides to throw Cordelia into the mix, and move right along to Divination (I’m not explaining that because everyone has read Harry Potter), which obviously Cordelia is going to be good at. She divines where some brooch is, or something (seriously don’t care), but Madison (who is surprised that the tests “come in Braille,” because the writers really like Emma Roberts) is ready to throw in the towel, so she does, lighting a cigarette fabulously out of that incredible cigarette tower and flouncing out of the room. Oh, and then Frankenbot-Kyle strangles her, because she didn’t bring Zoe back, even as Madison weeps underneath his murdery hands and cries that she loves him. I feel like I got a weird glimpse into Evan Peters and Emma Roberts’ sex life – remember when she punched him in the nose? They’re totally engaged now. Good luck, kids. Try not to hurt each other. Spalding shows up (“Who the hell are you?” Kyle wonders, and after a minute, I remembered that they have NEVER INTERACTED BEFORE), excited to have his dolly back. Well, that’s gross.

Cordelia brings Zoe back, and then levitates a piano, and then lights a bunch of fires, and as it turns out, she’s the Supreme. Boring. That bores me, deeply, because as much as I want to be around Sarah Paulson and absorb some of her genius, Cordelia totally blows as a character. Oh, and then she heals her own eyes. If I’m wrong about this, please weigh in, but I didn’t think that you COULD be the Supreme if you had health problems – which is part of the reason I’ve been confused for a few episodes about Madison competing for Supremeship since she most likely still has a heart murmur, even if she is a weird zombie half human thing. Cordelia has gross meatball eyes, but now that she’s Supreme, she fixes her eyes and puts on some Stila eyeshadow, I guess, because that’s how it works. Whatever.

The big bright side of Cordelia becoming Supreme, though, is that Myrtle commits hari-kari so as not to tarnish Cordelia’s Supremeosity – after all, Myrtle did melon-ball some eyes and make severed hands high five each other a few episodes ago, and those body parts belonged to fellow witches. This time the soundtrack is Stevie again (“Silver Springs,” to be precise), and it just feels like a total retread, even though Myrtle redeems herself a little bit by screaming “BALENCIAGAAAAAA” as her last word, which is just so funny. So. It felt good to laugh at something, at this point in the episode.

Oh, and Cordelia holds a press conference, because she is actually Lana Winters. Is it last season already?

Just as I was wishing that at least some shit would get fucked up, thankfully, FIONA REAPPEARS. She is wearing the world’s WORST bald cap (you can see where it starts and the wispy fake hairs coming off of it are just too much), and she’s obviously dying, but she totally faked her death AND sacrificed the Axeman along the way, and that’s good enough for me. They have a very sad and lovely mother-daughter final scene and Cordelia is wearing the most incredible dress during it, so I won’t make fun of it, but I did spend a lot of it hoping Fiona’s hair would magically grow back and she would kill everyone in the coven (hey, a girl can dream). Fiona finally dies in Cordelia’s arms while Jessica Lange wins at acting, and she wakes up, head of hair intact, in a strange bed in a creepy country house. (Okay, seriously, this looks just like Asylum. I am not the only one who thinks this.) Fiona’s hell, as it turns out, is being with the Axeman on a farm every single day, which would also be any sane person’s hell, and Jessica Lange should be receiving her 2014 Emmy by Fed-Ex any day now for screaming “KNOTTY PINE!!!!” in such a majestic way. Poor Fiona. No one deserves that.

And with that, Cordelia opens the doors of whatever the hell that school is called to all the baby witches of the world, and everyone hugs and loves each other, and apparently, we’re done here. On the whole, I was pretty underwhelmed. AHS is a show notorious for not having any rules, but I found it kind of irritating that Coven attempted to set up a whole bunch of rules (I’m really just referring to the health problems thing here) and then threw them all out the second they became inconvenient. As my darling friend Brian also pointed out, it sucks when shows and movies fall back on “because magic” to solve all of their problems. (He also correctly pointed out that the witches’ individual powers were completely forgotten once they all became super-powerful, which was pretty disappointing.) But I guess what it comes down to for me, besides my preferences against Cordelia’s character in general, is that after the crazy-ante was set this season, I feel like it petered out just at the end. Going into the finale was tough, with the three most compelling characters (Delphine, Marie and Fiona) apparently dead and gone, but the whole thing just felt anticlimactic. Asylum did at first, but then it finished with an actual bang in the form of a headshot. I was waiting for Coven‘s headshot the whole time, and it never came.

Well, until next season, witches, which will undoubtedly be even more weird and fucked up – and, reportedly, Jessica Lange’s last (SOB). It’s been real and gory and totally insane, and even though I didn’t love this finale as much as I wanted to, I will be sad on Wednesday nights for a little bit. For those of you who did read this, thanks for sticking around, and I’ll be recapping Game of Thrones starting in April. See you then!

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