Let’s ignore the fact that it’s not Friday and just accept that this is a special Saturday edition of ICYMI, because I didn’t have access to the internet yesterday! Okay then.

-Yesterday, at the American Horror Story panel at Paleyfest, Ryan Murphy announced that basically everyone from Coven will be back, plus new addition Michael Chiklis, for Freak Show. I have so many feelings about this. All of them are positive.

-Also coming soon is the Magic Mike sequel, as penned by professional beefcake/icon of perfection Channing Tatum, and it will be called Magic Mike XXL. Yes. I can’t. Such happy. Wow.

-In an attempt to appease fans who have been waiting a full Westeros winter for the sixth Game of Thrones book, George R.R. Martin has released an excerpt from the eventually forthcoming The Winds of Winter – spoilers, obviously, but it’s an Arya chapter, so that rocks. Oh, and speaking of Game of Thrones, Jon Snow has a butt double. Sorry, ladies.

-Are you upset that How I Met Your Mother is ending on Monday? So are Billy Eichner and Lindsay Lohan, who smashed a HIMYM-themed car out of pure sadness, I guess. Can we talk about how hard Billy Eichner has been killing it lately?

-Whoops. Even though Hannah Horvath was accepted to the prestigious University of Iowa writer’s workshop, the university will not allow Girls to film on campus, so that’s kind of awkward.

-So, Colbert did a bit where he made fun of the Redskins owner for starting a charity that has the word Redskins in its name, and made a joke that was great in context about starting a charity for “Orientals or whatever,” which promptly was taken out of context when Comedy Central tweeted it, and people got really butthurt and started a #CancelColbert hashtag. To the people using this hashtag: you know his show is satirical, right? And you get that he’s ON OUR SIDE, RIGHT?! Sigh.

-Once he’s finished with Captain America, Chris Evans is planning on quitting acting and moving behind the camera. I hate to break it to him, but he’s probably contractually obligated to do, like, 20 more Avengers movies, sooooo, yeah.

-The Emmys are changing up their rules a little bit and allowing True Detective to compete in the Drama category, even though it’s technically an anthology slash miniseries, not unlike AHS, which always competes in Miniseries. This means McConaughey will be up against both Bryan Cranston and Jon Hamm, most likely, while he’s fresh off his Oscar win, and that the series itself will have to contend with Breaking Bad‘s final season, Game of Thrones‘ fourth season (which is jam-packed with Emmy material, I can assure you), and the first half of Mad Men‘s final season. YIKES. This year’s Emmy race just got way crazier.

-Also, Emmys powerhouse AMC is developing a whole buttload of original series, including, finally, some comedies, so hopefully those have a chance of eventually beating Modern Family!

-And, finally, after the really-big-deal death on last week’s Good Wife, Vulture, among other websites, has rounded up a list of ways that TV shows have killed off unhappy actors. Most creative, naturally, goes to South Park re: Chef.

Next week, we’ll have another piece about HIMYM, and hopefully more opinion pieces coming up, including some thoughts about Paleyfest! Have fun in the rain! (It’s raining on this whole half of the country, so, just assuming.)

I guess the pressure of Kim and Kanye stealing their throne as “World’s Most Annoying Couple” was starting to get to them, because Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin are separating, or, in their words, “uncoupling.”. I have to admit, I did NOT see this one coming. Is nothing sacred anymore?! (Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had better keep their shit together.) Gwyneth announced the news yesterday on her lifestyle blog GOOP (yes, the one where she tells her readers to buy million dollar Hermes sweatpants, because she’s hopelessly out of touch with normal humans), and the site promptly crashed. Oh, well. What can you expect from a couple where the man is so irritating his own band once booted him from the recording studio even though he’s their lead singer, and the woman’s high horse is so high that she once said she would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can? (I probably shouldn’t have written this Quickie. I sound really biased.)

Maybe it’s just because I haven’t read Lois Lowry’s book in a long time, but;

-Is The Giver as futuristic-looking as this? I don’t remember technology being such a huge part of the book as it is presented here. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong.

-I know for a fact that one of the big things is the lack of color in this world. You’d think that most of the film would be shot in black and white, no? Something of a Pleasantville vibe to it? At least not so much damn blue everywhere.

-Meryl Streep is pulling off a really nice Anjelica Huston impression.

During an appearance on the Nerdist Panels’ Podcast, American Horror Story writer Douglas Petrie confirmed that though next season still doesn’t have a title, it will be “set in a carnival.” Wasn’t Carnivale already a show? Whatever. It’s going to be amazing, probably, so now we can adequately prepare ourselves for Jessica Lange’s final AHS season by imagining which act she’ll do. Even odds on lion tamer.

Well, True Detective‘s first season is over, spring is kind of springing, and it’s Pi Day, I guess! Math!

-But more importantly, one year ago today, the Veronica Mars Kickstarter began, and crushed every Kickstarter record ever – meaning that today is the day the VERONICA MARS MOVIE COMES OUT. It’s not playing in a huge number of theaters, but you can download it in Digital HD from Amazon, iTunes, or Flixster. Happy watching, marshmallows!

-Yesterday, during a concert at SXSW, Lady GaGa had a performance artist vomiting neon puke on her during the performance – said performance artist apparently does this all the time, as her act. What? Why? Why is neon barfing “art?” I just don’t get modern art, you guys.

-I’m sure you’re aware that President Obama appeared (and killed) on Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifinakis. Here, the director talks to Vulture about how this insane thing even happened and what it was like to film in the White House.

-Chloe Sevigny’s new lady cop drama, Those Who Kill, has been pulled from A&E’s lineup after only two episodes. The network says they just need to find a better spot for it due to low ratings, which I think translates to “this show is DOA and we’re embarrassed.”

–Pretty Woman is being turned into a musical, because why the fuck not?

-Here’s a roundup of production photos and recap videos: if you have amnesia and have completely forgotten Season 3 of Game of Thrones, here’s a 25 minute recap so you’re not annoying everyone in the room by asking who that guy with the beard is; here are shots of Robin and Barney’s upcoming wedding on HIMYM which are unclear about whether or not it actually happens; and finally, here are production pictures from Season 2 of Orange Is the New Black (eeee!!!!!!!).

-CBS has renewed basically all of its shows for the fall, including The Big Bang Theory with a history-making three-season pickup, which really just means we have to watch Jim Parsons win one hundred more Emmys and resist punching our TVs.

-That being said, Louie returns on May 5, so thank God.

-Rooney Mara (of The Social Network and Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and sister of House of Cards’ Kate Mara) is in negotiations to play Tiger Lily in an adaptation of Peter Pan done by Warner Bros., which is stirring up some understandable controversy about, you know, not casting an actual Native American actress. (The original Disney movie was actually pretty racist about Native Americans to begin with.)

-The inhumanly perfect Julia Louis-Dreyfus was inducted into the Television Hall of Fame, and was introduced by the equally perfect Amy Poehler. Both of their speeches are solid gold.

-Want to know where “alright, alright, alright” came from? You’re in luck.

This week, we’ll post a review of the Veronica Mars movie, as well as other essays and random quickies. Have a good pre-Patty’s Day weekend! Green beer is gross! Make good choices!

Our first guest writer is Fred Pelzer, a fellow Pitt graduate, playwright and pop enthusiast who currently resides in Chicago. Keep an eye out for more pieces by guest writers, and thanks to Fred for kicking things off!

This then is the climax of True Detective. Ignore the Lost-esque rabbit holes of hidden crowns and m-hole theories and W. H. Chambers references. Pay no mind to the man behind the yellow mask. For the past 8 hours we have watched two men grapple with the gap between their idea of family and the reality of it. For Marty, his philandering could be written off as for the family, but not until his near death experience does he seem to actually enjoy their presence, fully in the moment and not looking for other ways to satisfy his contradictory self-definition of what it means to be a man.

Continue reading →

Oh, Justin. TMZ has released footage of his deposition (which is related to his bodyguards beating up a photographer, I guess, and not the drag racing/DUI situation that also totally happened), and just as everyone suspected, Bieber is a complete and total snotrag, not unlike our young king of Westeros (although as of press time, Bieber has not executed anyone in Selena Gomez’s family and then forced her to look at their severed head). These videos are actually appalling, though, but the best part is when he’s trying to say that he was “instrumental” to his own career and ends up saying “detrimental” instead. Gotta love those Freudian slips.