Quoth Miley.

Hey there, people who read this blog (no one)! Memorial Day weekend is about to start, so I hope you got out of work early and you’re getting drunk RIGHT NOW. (Owing to my poor luck re: getting sick over holiday weekends, I am still in my jammies, but I think that works too.) Let’s get started!

-Life is never as good as when Jennifer Lawrence has to do press for a new movie. This week, she talked about a number of weird things that Vulture was kind enough to compile, including: smelling Brad Pitt, dance-offs with J.Lo, the real reason for a second Mockingjay movie ($$$$), screaming at Daniel Radcliffe upon meeting him (girl, you and me both), and, most memorably, the time she got so tanked at the Oscars after party that she barfed at Madonna’s house and Miley Cyrus told her to get it together. Never stop, Jennifer. You are a national fucking treasure and also let’s get two pizzas sometime, because we’re both probably terrible sharers.

-It’s commencement speech season, and some schools are pulling out all the stops. Charlie Day showed up at his alma mater, Merrimack College, and gave exactly the funny slash heartwarming speech you would expect from a stone cold weirdo like Charlie Day, and Sandra Bullock broke form by giving the speech at a New Orleans high school. Meanwhile, most kids end up with some guy who used to be treasury secretary to the whatever don’t care president of Whogivesafuckistan.

-Ciara and Future had a baby and they named it Future. Future’s name isn’t actually Future, so technically this baby is The Future. In related news, Future doesn’t look like a word anymore.

–Bill Hader is getting his own HBO series and there are absolutely zero details on what it will be or when it will happen. Don’t care, I’ll watch the crap out of it. Fingers crossed for Stefon: A Day in the Life.

-Did you ever think, at this time last year, you’d be saying “Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey” or “Oscar winner Jared Leto?” Well, at this time next year we MIGHT be saying “Oscar winner Channing Tatum,” according to early reviews at Cannes of his new, dark film, Foxcatcher.

-Speaking of hot guys at Cannes, nobody there likes Ryan Gosling’s directorial debut, Lost River. STOP BEING MEAN TO RYAN OR HE’LL GO INTO HIDING AGAIN!!

-The trailer for Magic in the Moonlight, Woody Allen’s next movie, has been released! Emma Stone and Colin Firth appear to be having a charm-off, and everyone is winning.

-Bad news for people who like awesome ladies being cast in cool things: Jessica Chastain will NOT be starring in True Detective‘s second season. Literally no one feels good about this.

-Good news for people who like awesome ladies being cast in cool things: Gillian Jacobs, formerly of Community, will be joining the cast of Girls. I, for one, feel pretty good about this.

That’s all for now, folks! Enjoy your long weekend, and do your best not to pass out on the beach during high tide. No Game of Thrones on Sunday means no recap on Monday, so we’ll be back on Tuesday with new material!