Hello, world! It’s been approximately 4,000 years since anyone wrote an ICYMI, and by that I mean about a month. But, the holiday weekend is over, and we are BACK! Let’s get started, shall we?

-Why does the Gos look so sad? Well, maybe it’s because every woman in the world is crying forever rn. Eva Mendes and perfect human Ryan Gosling are reportedly expecting, so, give up, women. Put on your sweatpants and wash off your makeup. It’s over.

-Here’s another thing to cheer you up – in case you’re actually dead and/or don’t have an Internet connection (and if you don’t… how are you reading this? And why did you pick THIS website?), you probably heard that J.K. Rowling released a new Harry Potter short story this week and it was extremely fucking exciting. Vulture had some thoughts.

-The Emmy nominations were announced today, as you definitely know, and we’ll be writing a more comprehensive piece on those over the weekend. By that, I mean we’ll be pumping up our rage-boners about who and what got snubbed.

-The Jayoncé tour, which is happening right now, will get its own HBO special, so that everyone at home can stare at the most perfect couple in the world while they eat Sour Straws. At least, that’s what I’m planning on doing. Just me? Okay.

–True Detective will apparently now have four leads. Jesus, every time I check in, there’s more leads added. I can’t wait for Nic Pizzolatto to announce that the entirety of Arcade Fire will be the lead next season. (WAIT. That’s a great fucking idea.)

-This story is hilarious. Basically, as long as Larry David is even remotely, distantly thinking about Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO is ready to renew it whenever. I mean, I certainly don’t have an issue with that. It’s just great that a blurry thought in Larry David’s crazy brain has a contract waiting at HBO at literally any point in time.

–Scarlett Johansson and Jonah Hill are both in talks for the extremely exciting-sounding new Coen Bros. movie, Hail Caesar!, which is about a “Hollywood fixer” in the 60s whose job is to “keep stars in line.” Oh, dear God, that sounds incredible. Already attached to star are huge names like Josh Brolin, Hill’s BFFJill Channing Tatum, and Coen mainstay George Clooney. Oh, and I just bought tickets already.

-Reese Witherspoon, bless her heart, is angling for Oscar #2 in this new trailer for Wild, the follow up from Jean-Marc Vallee, director of Dallas Buyers Club. Between the foxes and the heroin, this looks like some rough shit happening for Elle Woods.

-Speaking of trailers! Here, we have two creepy trailers (one teaser, one full) for the price of one – one teaser for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 (wherein President Snow’s address doesn’t go exactly as planned), and one full-length trailer for Gone Girl (wherein Ben Affleck is shady as fuck, but Neil Patrick Harris is definitely shadier, and everything is the perfect level of David Fincher ominous).

-George R.R. Martin flipped off the haters during an interview with a Swiss paper, and by the haters, I mean the absolutely correct people who don’t think he’ll finish the books by the time HBO finishes the series.

–Jimmy Fallon sang “Fancy” as Neil Young, and got Crosby, Stills and Nash in on it too. It was actually pretty amazing, and just serves as further proof that Jimmy Fallon is blackmailing anyone who’s ever been famous slash is a master hypnotist, because he can make anyone do anything he has ever wanted.

-And, finally, Andrew Lloyd Webber, otherwise known as The Bane of My Existence (I hate Phantom and always have, even when I was an awful musical theater nerd, so get over it), is rewriting his famous awful musical Cats to include… a rapping cat. Nope. I should revise this item to read: the worst thing ever just got worse! (Also, a character exists named Rum Tum Tugger, which I wish I didn’t know.)

See you this coming week, where we’ll whine about the Emmys and talk about some other stuff that I don’t know specifically what it will be yet! Have a great non-long weekend! (Sorry. Too soon?)