Emmys 2014 “Live” Commentary!

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Nina and Ben provided “live commentary” on the Emmy Awards last night. So here, play by play, are our thoughts on a semi-entertaining night of TV awards!

8:00 – Alright, here we go! No silly sketch to start us off, just getting right to good ole Seth Meyers! (B)

8:02 – Solid jokes so far. It’s basically a really good Weekend Update sketch. (N)

8:03 – The first “nothing is in the right category” joke has been made. SO IT BEGINS. (N)

8:04 – “Tonight, we are all Crazy Eyes.” You said it, Seth. (B) 

8:05 – SLAM THAT HIMYM FINALE, SETH. SLAM IT. (N) 

8:09 – Seth Meyers is seriously doing a great job thus far. He’s just telling good jokes and making sure we’re all having a great time. And apparently Amy Poehler is Beyonce. (B) 

8:09 – AMY POEHLER IS ANNOUNCED AS BEYONCE I AM DEAD BYE. (N) 

8:10 – And Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series/Best Onscreen Orgasm in a Civil War Re-Enactment goes to…….Ty Burrell for Modern Blabbidy-Bloo. A sign of the horrific night we’re about to get…(B)

8:11 – I hate everything already. (N)

8:16 – She even LOOKS like Peter Pan! (B)

8:17 – Louis C.K. gets another Writing Emmy!!!! (B) 

8:18 – Louis C.K. is wearing a TUX and I LOVE IT. (N) 

8:20 – Jimmy Kimmel makes a bunch of excellent McConaissance jokes. McConaughey says Woody smokes more weed than him. No one is mad. (N)

8:21 – And Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series goes to…….Allison Janney. The fuck. (B)

8:22 – Look. Allison Janney, cruelly, NEVER won an Emmy for C.J. Cregg, and she just won her second Emmy this MONTH. I would have loved to see one of the Kates win, but I don’t hate this upset – and Supporting Actress Comedy is a constant upset category. Remember Merritt Weaver?! (N) 

8:28 – Uzo Aduba looks fucking fierce. Just saying. (N) 

8:29 – And Best Directing in a Comedy Series goes to….Fuckin’ Modern Family. Ugh x 10000. (B)

8:31 – Female director though. Plus, it’s not her fault she’s been hired to direct Modern Family. (N) 

8:33 – I fucking love Billy on the Street!!!!! (B) 

8:36 – Billy Eichner just won every Emmy. Don’t tell the nominees. (N)

8:37 – Guys. There are two PERFECT PEOPLE ON STAGE RIGHT NOW. And they’re making Seinfeld jokes. JLD and Cranston, God bless you. (N)

8:38 – And Best Actor in a Comedy Series goes to…..My favorite actor of all time, Jim Parsons. Kill me now. (B)

8:39 – Jim Parsons just said everyone in his category is better than him and that he wants to do something different and that there’s “no accounting for taste.” Well, at least he gets it. (N) 

8:45 – Aaaaaaand Best Lead Actress in a Comedy Series goes to….. Julia Louis Dreyfus! Yes, it’s happened before. But, no, no one is mad. Plus, Cranston made out with her HARD right before she got onstage. (N)

8:47 – I’m glad Louis Dreyfus continues to not take these awards seriously. Love her. (B)

8:49 – Amazing Race gets an amazing Emmy. Eh. (B)

8:55 – Jon Hamm continues to be perfect. As does Melissa McCarthy. And Andre Braugher. And everyone else. Did they get all the best humans to be in this?! (N)

8:57 – This year’s Emmys are excellent at putting great humans on stage together, though. Like Allison Janney and Octavia Spencer. “If you think we’re here to announce a sequel to the help, YOU’D BE RIGHT!” (N)

8:57 – Oh my god, Allison Janney and Octavia Spencer are so drunk right now. (B) 

8:59 – Writing for a Miniseries goes to Steven Moffatt for Sherlock, who also writes for Doctor Who and has been hating women on those shows since forever! (N) 

9:00 – Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries goes to Kathy Bates for the Ole American Horror Story. (B)

9:01 – AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! JOOOOOOOOYYYYY!!!! Madame LaLaurie!!!!!! (N) 

9:02 – Can you tell I’m excited about Kathy Bates winning? (N)

9:08 – Martin Freeman (who isn’t even there) wins Best Supporting Actor for Sherlock. (B)

9:09 – And the nominees were everyone from The Normal Heart, and the none of them won. (N)

9:10 – Colin Bucksey from Fargo wins for Best Directing. Damn good show, and Ryan Murphy didn’t win. So yay. (B)

9:12 – If Jessica Lange doesn’t win for Miniseries I’m going to leave my mother’s house and go fight a stranger. Yes, I am watching this with my mom, because my boyfriend hates award shows. (N)

9:17 – Seth and Amy testing jokes is what I imagine heaven might be like. (N)

9:19 – McConaughey and Harrelson, next year’s Emmy hosts! (N)

9:20 – And Best Lead Actor in a Miniseries/Movie goes to…….Benedict Cumberbatch. Who also isn’t here. Classy, Sherlock. (B)

9:21 – He’s probably filming Sherlock with Martin Freeman, since neither of them were there, soooo…. (N)

9:25 – If Jessica Lange doesn’t win I’m going to barf. (N)

9:26 – Good thing she just did. No barfing for you! (B)

9:26 – I mean, she had me at “IS THIS KNOTTY PINE?!?!” (N)

9:27 – She is ***FLAWLESS. Okay. I’m done. (N)

9:28 – Everybody shut up Andy Samberg has arrived. (N)

9:29 – WEIRD AL IS HERE SO EVERYONE SHUT UP. (B)

9:30 – Even Weird Al is bummed that Jon Hamm doesn’t have an Emmy. (N)

9:31 – The Game of Thrones one is EASILY the best one so far. ESPECIALLY when they handed George R.R. Martin a fucking TYPEWRITER. (N) 

9:32 – What would we do without Andy Samberg as Joffrey interrupting Emmy introductions? (B) 

9:32 – Lena Headey is fucking gorgeous, and Andy Samberg as Joffrey is everything. (N)

9:33 – And Best Miniseries goes to….Fargo!!!!! Great decision! One of the best new shows this year. (B) 

9:40 – Julianna Marguiles’ dress makes her knees look way too bony. (N) 

9:41 – Best Television Movie goes to…..The Normal Heart. I get that. (B)

9:42 – Larry Kramer is here, and he isn’t looking in the best health, so this is a pretty heartwarming win. (N)

9: 45 – RIcky Gervais, as delightfully cyncial as ever. (B)

9:44 – Ricky Gervais is exactly the right amount of bitter. (N)

9:46 – Oh god, Sarah Silverman just won for Writing a Variety Special, and she seems a bit tipsy… (B) 

9:46 – She’s shoeless and just thanked her “Jews at CSA.” Who cares if she’s tipsy?! She fucking rocks. And that special was really funny. (N)

9:47 – I’m more than happy for her. Better than the other nominees for sure. (B)

9:51 – Key and Peele are everything. And winging it. (N)

9:53  – Please put the Emmys accountants back where they came from. (N)

9:54 – Chris Hardwick is nothing. And not winging anything. (B)

9:55 – Glenn Weiss wins for Directing what was one of the Best Tony Awards in recent memory (not this year’s, it was last year’s.) (B)

9:56 – I have completely lost track of what is going on. (N)

9:57 – Best Variety Series goes to The Colbert Report, using Jimmy Fallon as a patsy. (B

9:59 – Second year in a row for Colbert! Fitting, as he won’t be around forever. Plus, I love that man. (N) 

10:05 – This is bumming me out. Really just the whole objectification of women thing. On the other hand, Sofia Vergara is WEARING that DRESS. (N)

10: 07 – Alright, Best Supporting Actor in a Drama. We’re getting pretty serious now. And the winner is……AARON PAUL. YEAH BITCH (B)

10:09 – Aaron Paul is the ONLY alternative to Peter Dinklage I would have accepted. He’s phenomenal. But Dinklage isn’t going to have a whole lot of Emmy material in the upcoming seasons… this was kind of his last shot for a while, so color me slightly bummed. Teeny spoiler – he spends most of his time on a boat. It is boring. (N)

10:12 – In Memoriam has begun. Pull out your tissues, since Robin Williams is sure to be the final shot. (N)

10:20 – Well, that was heartbreaking. (N) 

10:20 – Jesus. That was brutal. I need another drink. (B) 

10:23 – GUYS THERE WAS A GONE GIRL TRAILER DOE (N)

10:25 – And Best Directing in a Drama Series goes to…….Cary Joji Fukunaga for True Detective! Well, well, well deserved. (B)

10:26 – Best Directing in a Drama Series goes to THAT FOUR MINUTE TRACKING SHOT! (N)

10:27 – Super happy for Anna Gunn winning for Best Supporting Actress! Give all the Breaking Bad actors their due!!!! (B)

10:29 – I would have loved to see Lena Headey take it home, but, Anna Gunn is spectacular. (N)

10:35 – And Best Writing of a Drama Series goes to……Moira Walley-Beckett, for writing Ozymandias, arguably the best episode of Breaking Bad ever. (B)

10:36 – “Ozymandias” was probably the best hour of TV I’ve ever seen, so, yes. Yes to that. (N)

10:38 – And Best Lead Actress in a Drama Series….Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife (B).

10:39 – Love her. Hate her dress. Kerry Washington will win eventually. Hopefully for a season where she isn’t pregnant and obscured for most of it. (N)

10:43 – Lead Actor in a Drama is coming up and I am already stressed out about it. (N)

 10:46 – Alright, team. This is a big one. Lead Actor in a Drama. And the award goes to…..My Boy Bryan Cranston!!!!!! SAY HIS NAME, JULIA ROBERTS. (B)

10:47 – I do love me some Cranston. I won’t lie for a second. But… but… I WANTED THE MCCONAISSANCE TO CONTINUEEEEEEEE (N)

10:49 – On the other hand, he’s the one who knocks, soooooo. (N)

10:50 – It’s so wonderful that the main trio of the show got to win for what was a truly wonderful final season of Breaking Bad. (B)

10:51 – Jesus Christ. Ok. And Best Comedy Series goes to……..Modern Fam-I’m going to die in a gutter.(B)

10:52 – Voiceover: “Modern Family wins every year, because it does the same fucking thing for every episode.” (N)

10:55 – I’m livid. I’m the maddest of mad. This is the dumbest of dumb. AGHGHGHGHGHGH. (B)

10:57 – BREAKING BAD FOR THE WIN!!!!!! (B)

10:58 – HOW DID TRUE DETECTIVE NOT WIN ANYTHING AT ALL?! OR GAME OF THRONES?! (N)

10:59 – True Detective won for Direction, so that’s a thing (B)

10:59 – RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE (N)

11:00 – Well, Seth Meyers did a lovely job, but I guess there’s no winning at the Emmys. None. Zero. I’m gonna go binge-watch more Simpsons…(B)

One thought on “Emmys 2014 “Live” Commentary!

  1. Great play-by-play, as always!! 🙂

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