Well, GODDAMN. THIS is what I’ve been waiting for all season. I know I was kind of bitching in my first three recaps about how this was all moving so slowly and why am I bored by the campiest piece of nonsense on TV but, my friends, I see the light now. I see how much careful, laborious set-up there was – and for what? For stabbings, butt injuries and leg stumps. God bless your fucked up brain, Ryan Murphy. I forgive you for Glee. (Well. Almost. Let’s not get carried away.)
Happy Halloween in AHS-ville! This week was just the first of a two-parter, so unfortunately we have to wait for the Bette to this episode’s Dot until next week. Speaking of Bette and Dot – if Sarah Paulson doesn’t win a long overdue Emmy for this season, I’m going to call the FBI and demand an investigation. (And then probably get arrested for bothering the FBI about things like Emmys for horror anthologies.)
I’m still waiting for this season to get as ludicrous as Coven
(although hopefully it won’t end with the same sad fizzle), but shit is getting legitimately scary, so at this point we’re all just checking our closets three times every night for murder-clowns. (No, no, I don’t do that. I have a friend who does. My friend does that.)
In a weird twist of fate and coincidence considering that I spent my day at work absolutely devouring his new memoir, “Choose Your Own Autobiography” (highly recommended, go get a copy, you will laugh, cry, and feel warm and fuzzy), Neil Patrick Harris will host the 2015 Oscars! With the exception of the Death Emmys (more commonly known as the 2013 Emmys), his hosting track record is EXTREMELY strong, so I think we can all feel excited about this.
Listen. It’s hard not to have very high expectations when one of the best members of Saturday Night Live in the past decade comes back to host. Bill Hader was part of a golden team on SNL that shaped what it was in the late 2000’s-early 2010’s. He’s a fantastic performer, a brilliant character actor, and all of that was clearly on display tonight, there is no disputing that.
But these WRITERS. I’m completely aware of the stress that must come with having to write successfully funny sketches in one week for a live network comedy show. I get that. But week after week, we’re given these lazy paint-by-numbers live sketches, devoid of any life or substance, and as per usual, these live sketches were trumped by the usually superior taped sketches. Not to say we didn’t get some gems tonight. But, few and far between.
It routinely bums me out that the Scandal world, where people are murdering and torturing each other on a literally constant basis, is WAY more progressive about gun control THAN OUR ACTUAL SOCIETY. Anyone else? Just me?
Happy Friday! I picked this GIF because it is the GIF to end all GIFs. You can even see the exact moment where Lea Michele’s spirit breaks in half. Anyway.
-Speaking of American Horror Story, Vulture has a cool and very confusing theory about why all four seasons are related.
-And speaking of throwing enormous amounts of shade, this is what happens when you don’t know who Jay-Z is, because when you’re not hanging out in the Louvre courtyard, you live on Jupiter. (I think they have “99 Problems” there too, though.)
-I think we all know how disgusting Stephen Collins is, but Stephen Collins is COMPLETELY DISGUSTING. He’s been dropped from Ted 2 and Scandal, and reruns of 7th Heaven are being taken off the air, because SO DISGUSTING.
-Let’s talk about something not horrible. Carlton did the Carlton on Dancing with the Stars the other night! Also, this was the first and last time that more than four people were interested in watching any clip from Dancing with the Stars.
-Love is dead and everyone should just give up. Paula Patton has officially filed for divorce from human greasestain Robin Thicke.
-And on the subject of giving up on true love forever, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes definitely have a real human baby that exists, and they named her Esmerelda, which is the cutest goddamn thing ever. UGH. WHY.
-Of course Transparent, which I have not yet finished but which is excellent so far, was renewed for a second season.
-Jennifer Lawrence, who appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair this month, has broken her silence about her nude photo hacking theft and ensuing scandal. Quoth America’s Cool Girl: “Just because I’m a public figure, just because I’m an actress, does not mean that I asked for this […] It does not mean that it comes with the territory. It’s my body, and it should be my choice, and the fact that it is not my choice is absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe that we even live in that kind of world.” You fucking go, Glen Coco.
-More good lady news: Paul Feig is definitely doing that ladies swim Ghostbusters remake, and will not only be directing, but will be co-writing with Parks and Rec’s Katie Dippold. I think we have every reason to be excited about this – especially because, at the link, Feig talks about how it’s not a “gimmick” to make a movie starring four women. YES.
-Ryan Murphy will be doing a companion piece to AHS on FX called American Crime Story, with each season focusing on a different real-crime story. Season 1, naturally: OJ. Oh, god. This is going to be the hottest mess of all time. And I’m going to like it.
-And finally, the sad news of the week. SNL veteran Jan Hooks, who most recently played Jenna’s crazy mom on 30 Rock, passed away last night from a “serious illness” at the age of 57.
I may or may not write a Scandal recap today. I’m lazy. So… maybe, expect that?