Scandal Recap: Fry Fry Chickie Chick

Every episode of Scandal needs to start with Sweaty Scott Foley, and so far, both episodes of season 4 have. I am a happy clam.

Okay, seriously though. This was not a particularly action-packed episode, apart from the bit where a REPUBLICAN President gives an impassion speech on behalf of gun control, but I really shouldn’t let my politics show. Scandal is about many things, and actual politics is not one of them.

Actually, apart from the sexy sex having in this episode, I was feeling kind of meh about it. It was mostly just a bunch of characters yelling at each other about dumb shit – David yelling at senators, that horrible married couple screaming at each other, Abby’s hair yelling at Mellie, and so on and so forth. But let’s get into the stuff that happened or whatever.

Cyrus is still wearing a wig from the Raquel Welch wig line and basically blackmails Liv into coming back to D.C. full time. No one is surprised at this turn of events. Her next job is to deal with a married couple – a veteran and a woman who was left paralyzed after saving a child from a school shooter – and in a timely twist considering Gone Girl was released a day after this episode aired, they FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER. (Fox News needs to run a story about how Scandal and Gone Girl are destroying straight marriage. Because… they are.) The veteran is also, incidentally, played by an actor whose name I do not know who was ALSO an ex-boyfriend of Elliott Reid’s from Scrubs, along with Scott “Cheese Grater” Foley. So that was interesting and fun.

Meanwhile, Abby’s Hair is frantically dodging questions about “Madam First Crazy,” who keeps having picnics on top of her son’s grave and freaking America the fuck out. Mellie is also eating a fuckload of fried chicken against that same terrible CGI background, which does look like a great time, but everyone is mad at her for being a giant mess even though her life is frankly terrible right now. But, even though Fitz has spent literally years being a huge alcoholic and running the country at the same time, Mellie has to put on a skirt, take off her underwear, and make Pop-Pop proud.

No, wait. That’s Lindsay. Smart Lindsay Bluth is really busy these days trying to keep the President from being anti-gun, so for some reason that I have not yet figured out because her motivation is non-existent, she hires a weird-faced male hooker to seduce Cyrus. As my dear love Brian pointed out, “There is SO much gay sex in Shondaland.”

Everyone else kind of spends this episode waffling around. Olivia tells the couple from Gone Girl to get a divorce but that they should show up to the State of the Union anyway. Huck and Quinn yell at each other about teeth pulling (quoth my mother: “I liked him better when he was Randy.”) because Quinn literally JUST REMEMBERED THAT THAT EVEN HAPPENED. Abby’s Hair is very firm with Mellie but her pep talks are pretty awful – I would not recommend she becomes a motivational speaker. Mellie gets through State of the Union but then has a full-on, pearl-clutching breakdown, which is actually pretty horrible and sad, mostly because Bellamy Young is fucking SELLING it this season.

That being said, Olivia continues to reign supreme in a Booty Call Battle with Jake wherein she demands to set the terms for said booty calls, and then shows up at his place in ankle boots, a trench, and nothing else. Olivia wins at everything, even booty calls.

Well, hopefully next week will be more eventful, but maybe I was just cranky and tired last night because I did promptly pass out during How To Get Away With Murder. Anyway. Is someone gonna die next week? Where’s Mama Pope? Is someone going to get an inhaler for Huck? It just seems like he has a lot of respiratory distress.

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