Scandal Recap: Big Poppa

It routinely bums me out that the Scandal world, where people are murdering and torturing each other on a literally constant basis, is WAY more progressive about gun control THAN OUR ACTUAL SOCIETY. Anyone else? Just me?

I mean, not EVERY person in the Scandalverse is super thrilled about it. Lindsay Bluth definitely isn’t jazzed about the situation, for one (should we really be surprised?), and neither is Kyle Secor, whose real name I am using because I don’t know who the hell he is. They’re muttering ominously together while dropping off their SMALL CHILDREN AT SCHOOL, because no one on this show ever takes a break from ominous muttering.

Speaking of ominous, Cyrus runs into his hella creepy hooker friend during breakfast time, which surprised him a little bit – presumably because he thought this guy slept in a coffin until the sun set. (To be totally fair, I did too.) They then part ways. I don’t know what the reason was for this besides that Creepy Hooker is probably following Cyrus around because everyone on this show stalks everyone else all the time.

Anyway, Olivia brings Papa Pope a coffee, which immediately turns awkward, because he can’t figure out why she would be there unless someone is following her or she’s in serious trouble. Number of normal father-daughter relationships in Shondaland: 0. In a terrible attempt at normalcy, Rowan invites Olivia OVER FOR DINNER with Jake, who… used to work for him and kill people and oh, yeah, once he threw him in a pit for months and made him grow a horrible beard. Olivia, who is occasionally a moron, has already forgotten about this and calls Jake to ask him to come along to the Worst Dinner Party Since The Office, but Jake definitely remembers that whole thing (YOU DON’T SAY) and is like “HARD PASS.” He also says, “call me if you want me to do that thing to you again,” because Jake is so hot.

Jake is a little preoccupied though, because he has a feeling that Papa Pope arranged to have a bunch of people murdered, including the First Son, Harrison, and Barney’s fiance from HIMYM (follow that instinct, Jake), so he’s prepping Charlie for torture, because natch. Charlie wants Quinn, though, so Jake throws them both in a locked room, and wow, I am so apathetic about both Charlie and Quinn. Over it.

But one last thing about Quinn – the scene where both Huck and Liv basically admitted they didn’t notice Quinn had disappeared for a full day and she screamed at them and NEITHER OF THEM REACTED AT ALL was just flat out incredible.

Oh, while this is all happening – Olivia’s friend Catherine (guys, it’s Penny from Lost pretending really hard to have an American accent!), and Mellie is skipping the graveyard so she can obsess about whether a hiker pushed her boyfriend off a cliff. Fitz is drinking. So there’s those plot threads. Long story short: Mellie makes a sad little PowerPoint about how the hiker definitely didn’t do it, only to have her happy balloon promptly popped when a guy sitting in is like, “Yeah, no, we all found out he didn’t do it a WHILE ago.” Abby’s Hair, enduring a ridiculous amount of shade from Olivia’s direction, not only has Mellie’s back but tells Fitz what her name is. Again – Fitz is DRANKIN’. And mentioning Vermont again. (Jam.) Also, Catherine was banging her daughter’s boyfriend and then maybe kills her, but unfortunately we have to continue that annoying plot thread next week. Gun control bill passes. David Rosen is a hero, question mark. Blah blah blah.

But can we talk about the dinner party? Oh, please. Let’s talk about The Dinner Party. (I also would really like someone to tell me where I can buy Liv’s silk jammies but that is another question for another time.)

Let’s talk about their Michael Scott pours of wine. Let’s talk about Papa Pope making Jake tell him the food is good like Jake is a petulant child who was just forced to try quinoa. LET’S TALK ABOUT OLIVIA’S SEAFOOD LINE WHERE SHE BASICALLY SAYS JAKE CONSTANTLY ATE HER OUT ON SEX ISLAND AND SHE SAYS THIS IN FRONT OF HER FATHER, A TRAINED KILLER. Bitch, sometimes I WANT you to go make jam in Vermont because you DUMB and you probably wouldn’t get into any trouble doing that. Things get really boring really fast when Jake confronts Rowan about all his murdering, even though he does tell him to shut his “stubborn, old man mouth,” which is pretty funny. Rowan always has a killer monologue tucked up his sleeve, though. Always a pleasure.

Nothing super exciting happened this week, still. Meh. Can SOMEONE die next week? Like Cyrus’ McConaughey knockoff? See you then.

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