I’m still waiting for this season to get as ludicrous as Coven
(although hopefully it won’t end with the same sad fizzle), but shit is getting legitimately scary, so at this point we’re all just checking our closets three times every night for murder-clowns. (No, no, I don’t do that. I have a friend who does. My friend does that.)

Pluses, or, Triple Nipple Tassels
-No one is surprised that Angela Bassett already seems like she’s gonna be a WHOLE lotta fun this season. Bitch has got every part and she’s ready to rumble. Plus 3,000 points – one for each boob, obvi.
–Plus 500 points for Bette and Dot singing Fiona Apple, the karaoke choice of emo people everywhere, whether they have two heads or one. (No offense meant, cause I love me some Fiona. But she’s appropriately moody for these two.)
-Also! Plus 500 more points for setting up that Elsa wants Bette to stab Dot, mostly because Elsa knows, just as we do, that Bette will not think the whole “conjoined twins you’re going to stab yourself too” part through.
-I know I wasn’t alone in waiting for the first Jessica Lange Bitch Face, and we got three – one right after Dot sang for the first time, and one where she saw her billing on Del’s new poster, and one at the show when she realizes she just got replaced as the main act. Plus a million Jessica Lange Bitch Faces.
–Plus 800 points for Elsa being completely right about matinees. Once, in college, I did a Saturday matinee where the audience was so silent I actually thought they had all died until I literally heard someone breathe. That is how quiet it was. No one ever wants to be at a matinee.
–Plus 100 points for what is surely the best line reading ever, courtesy of Pepper – “MEAAAAT LOAAAAAAF!”
-When Dandy said, “I just want to be a thespian, but you keep ruining it!” to Mommy Dearest, I was so convinced he said “lesbian.” Plus two snails.
-But, wait, can we talk about how Dennis the Menace just got interesting? Poor Frances Conroy didn’t – as his her AHS M.O., she’s kind of just dithering around feeling upset and confused (with the obvious exception of Asylum where Ryan Murphy let her play God). Okay. Plus 1,000 points for his engraved crystal baby bottle that he drinks COGNAC out of, and plus 5,000 points points for the anguished, whiny voice Finn Wittrock uses to deliver every single line. (That NAME! He sounds like a rejected Pokemon Gym Leader! He would obviously use Rock- and Ground-type Pokemon. Plus 8 badges for that.) Plus, I am so done whining about him not doing anything interesting – between his terrifying playroom, his gross puppets, and the fact that he’s helping Twisty keep control of his captives, I am officially on board the Dennis the Menace Train.
-I also laughed out loud when he had his caramel corn tantrum and said he was going to run away to, of all places, “St. Petersburg.” Plus a tub of Johnson’s Caramel Corn from the Ocean City boardwalk.
–Plus 200 points for Bonnie, who appeared to be kind of a blitherer last week, but who is gamely trying to escape Twisty and is putting up a decent fight. I like this girl. I am not looking forward to seeing what happens to her.
-I don’t think I have any feelings about Del yet, but plus 100 points for Michael Chiklis, who’s fitting in quite nicely so far.
-And even though it scared the living shit out of me, plus 100 wind-up robotsfor that scene in the toy store, which was AMAZING, especially with Twisty hiding with the other clowns (I’m glad that all of the other clowns were SO excessively creepy that he fit right in). What a great build. Ugh.
-I know it’s kind of extremely stupid, but I weirdly liked that camera angle they kept using in the Bette and Dot scenes where, with all the one-headed characters, they filmed them in the very edge of the screen at a weird angle so it looked like they also had two heads. Wait, wouldn’t this show be great if EVERYONE grew two heads? TWO JESSICA LANGE BITCH FACES. Plus two headbands.

Minuses, or, Boring Police Are Boring
-Enough struggles with the police. I am extremely over those. All of the old-timey policemen look the same and there’s only so many times they can spit the word “freak” at Evan Peters in a mildly sinister tone. Minus 1,000 points.
–Minus 500 more points for poor little Meep, though. R.I.Meep. We did not know ye well, but every season of AHS has a sacrificial lamb somewhere.
–Minus a million billion points for how fucking STUPID Frances Conroy has to be this season. I’m sorry – if you’re driving around looking for your lunatic, caramel-corn obsessed kid and you see a bloodstained clown with the scariest smile of all time, you do NOT ask him if he does kid’s parties, and you DEFINITELY don’t take him home with you. If she wasn’t trying to get Twisty to murder her dumb kid then she’s just the actual stupidest human being alive.
-If I gave 3,000 points for Angela Bassett, can I do minus 3,000 points for how dull Kathy Bates has been so far? All we’ve gotten from her is that weird, not quite Yinzer accent and the fact that she cares about her son and stuff. Kathy Bates won an Emmy for this show last year, you guys. Let her play.
–Minus 5,000 points for that awful sepia tone they’re using in the flashbacks. It sucks. Stop that.
-Do I have to talk about it? I don’t want to talk about it, but, fine, whatever, MINUS EVERY POINT EVER FOR THE WORMS! WHY?! WHY THE WORMS? NO! NO! In case I didn’t make this clear last week – HARD PASS on Twisty.
-And even beyond the fact that he is everything that I am afraid of, minus 1,000 points for Twisty being scary but not yet fascinating. Can we get a flashback? His victim lineups have no consistency, and there’s no reason (other than loneliness, which he just has to deal with, frankly, because has he seen himself?!) to not kill the boy, Bonnie, or either the son or mother Mott. Bloodyface was a bucket of fun because he chose victims really carefully and killed for reasons I can’t specifically remember right now but which I assume, by default, were mommy issues. Give Twisty some reasons and then I’ll try and deal with him a little better. Right now it just feels like we’re getting worm mouths for no reasons. (Be right back, I have to go fear vomit.)

Weekly Jessica Lange Words of Wisdom: “He’ll have to go,” when she sees her billing courtesy of Del, because of course THAT is what sends her into a blind rage, not the whole Meep thing.

Next week we’re back down to an hour, which will hopefully not include a full half hour of “coppers.” We’re also steadily inching closer to Halloween, which historically has given us excellent episodes of AHS. See you next week, freaks. (Sorry, monsters is more PC.)