I feel so apathetic about this show. I almost didn’t write a recap today, to be honest, because this season is turning into such a mess that I’m running out of quips. And, yes, I know that AHS is traditional the Hottest Mess of All, but this isn’t even a fun mess.

Pluses, or, Extreme Scenery Chewing
-That was the best part of the episode: the actors are just going fucking hog-wild at this point and I’m totally loving it. Between Jessica Lange, Finn Wittrock (toning down Dandy and taking him to a much scarier, introspective place) and Denis O’Hare, I don’t think there was even any scenery LEFT at the end of the episode. Plus 1,000 points and 1,000 bite marks.
-The other excellent part of this episode was MVP Ma Petite, who is just the cutest fucking thing to ever grace this earth. Plus 10,000 points for that nugget of a woman. Between giggling at Emma Roberts and imitating a butterfly, I just wanted to pull an Elsa and snuggle up with her forever.
-Of course Elsa has a Birthday Throne. Plus 500 points.
-Emma Roberts is still the worst, but let’s throw some points at Madison, who has clearly softened since her experiences in the Coven and let Ma Petite live. Plus 250 points. That being said, you would have to be Hitler and also possibly a zombie to kill fucking Ma Petite.
-Ethel was at least true to form this episode, since she spent the whole thing puttering around making a cake and being basically useless. The biggest plus on this is that it meant she didn’t talk very much. Plus five cakes.
–Plus 800 points for Elsa being a knife-thrower – I knew her only talent wasn’t applying lurid blue eyeshadow.
–Plus 400 points for that brave new maid over at the Mott mansion. Girl, if you see a clown, do not taunt him. JUST RUN.

Minuses, or, Where Did Any Of This Come From?
-First of all, this episode was way too long. I get the first two weeks being 90-minute installments, but 73 minutes is stupid, and it definitely didn’t deserve it. Wash.
–AHS is legitimately famous for throwing curveballs – Violet’s been dead for weeks/that lady probably WAS Anne Frank/Gabourey Sidibe definitely just banged a minotaur – but so far, Freak Show‘s curveballs have been missing the, uh, person who’s supposed to hit them (I shouldn’t be allowed to make sports metaphors). Tonight, we got two – Paul and Elsa have been sexing this whole time, and he’s also been sneaking out of camp to sex on one of the Gummers. (Get it, Paul.) On any other show, these would be acceptable plot twists, but on this show, they were complete bombs. Literally no one cares about Paul’s peen or what it’s doing, and these things were just SO out of left field that they felt undeserved. Most importantly, I didn’t give a flying fuck. This just felt shoehorned. Minus 1 million points.
-I don’t know why ANY characters on this show are doing what they’re doing – the only exceptions to this are Dandy, who’s honing in on his sociopathy, and Elsa, who will sacrifice absolutely anything and anybody for fame. Those are clear. Everyone else’s motivations are a total mess and it’s really making me care less about everything. Bette and Dot, who are still basically white slaves at the Mott House of Horrors, are SO devoid of any actual character development that I’m actually finding a two-headed character played by Sarah Paulson boring. Bette is in love with Dandy (why?). Dot is in love with Jimmy (why?). Gloria doesn’t seem to give very many shits about her son being a serial killer who wants to marry someone with two heads. Del and Desiree weren’t even there. Jimmy hates everybody. Why is character development so hard for Ryan Murphy?! He’s done it before! Minus 2 million points.

I have nothing else to say about this episode, but this show had better get its shit together before too long. That being said – I will see this trainwreck through to the end. See you next week!