I am officially ready to announce that this season of AHS is straight up terrible. There’s no cohesive storytelling. For a show that usually goes to a lot of trouble to set up rules, there are zero rules about anything at all. Not a single character has a discernable motivation. And yet, here I am, writing this. At least I have a bagel to keep me company.

Pluses, or, There Are Very Few
-Michael Chiklis is, if nothing else, a very good actor. Plus 500 points. And even if his little father-son reunion with Lobsterblaster was ultimately really cheesy, it gave Angela Bassett the opportunity to wear the hell out of those sunglasses and that robe, so plus 500 more points for that whole getup.
-Also, that fight where Eve kicked Dell’s ass was pretty great. Plus 1,000 points for her knocking him the fuck out.
-The image of Ma Petite wearing a dead rabbit as a coat is just too good. RIP, Ma Petite. Plus 200 points.
-Let’s talk about Penny (more commonly known as The Gummer, because I did not know her name was Penny until right this second) and her big old box of daddy issues, because, hoo boy. AHS, even in its weakest moments, likes to offer a crazy psychological shock to keep viewers (me) from walking away forever – and this totally worked. I won’t lie. The sheer absurdity of the whole situation is what makes it almost funny; Penny gives her dad a super self-righteous speech about how she’s going to run away and join the circus, and because he has a REPUTATION AS AN ELECTRICIAN he needs to uphold, he gets his lunatic friend Morris to tattoo her face into crazy fucking scales, give her a down-the-middle shave a la Marshall Eriksen’s wedding ‘do and FORK HER TONGUE. (I’m not even going to get into the creepy little lullaby song he sings to wake her up after her little procedure is finished). Let’s mention, once more for the cheap seats in the back, that this whole thing is ostensibly to make sure people will still hire him. As an electrician. Plus 10,000 points.
-Also, who in the fuck is Morris?!? Like, where did Penny’s bland electrician father MEET this guy and how did they come to this arrangement?! Murphy, give me an entire fucking episode on Morris or we’re done here. Wash because I JUST WANT TO GET TO KNOW MORRIS.
–Plus 100 points for Bette’s snappy new hair and for her sneaky little Kafka reference. Jenna Maroney would be so proud of that backdoor brag.
-I’ll literally never say no to a staredown between Jessica Lange and Denis O’Hare, so plus 400 points for that.

Minuses, or, There Are So Many
-That musical number. THAT MUSICAL NUMBER. THIS IS SO WILDLY INCONSISTENT. I know that this show has never exact promised me consistency, but I guess I had just hoped that it wouldn’t be this stupid. We had three episodes in a row with stupid anachronistic musical numbers, and then it seemed as if they were dead. Well, now they’re back, and there’s even LESS preamble or reason for them to be here – Evan Peters singing “Come As You Are” over a montage was not something that anyone has ever needed. This is such bullshit. Minus 10,000 Courtney Love nip slips.
-I’m sorry, can we just briefly talk about how Dandy is like, this full on crazypants murderface, and when Jimmy shows up to take the twins, he lets them just freely waltz out of there? I’m sure he has some retribution planned, but I would have rather seen that then see a dead doctor’s daughter yell at Ethel and Desi. Minus 5,000 points.
-Is Ma Petite REALLY dead? Last time she “died” it was all a big lie, so, wash until we find out for sure. If she is dead, it’s definitely a minus, though. I loved that little nugget.
-Sarah Paulson is phenomenal as always, and I’m glad I can tell the twins apart now, but their character development is fucking terrible. Minus 100 Lana Bananas.
-There is zero plot on this show. Minus every early possession I own.

That’s it for this week. Just like last week, this show is making me so irritated that I barely have anything to say about it. So, yeah. Whatever. See you next week – although, the recap will be delayed due to Thanksgiving!