Honestly, I was really only half paying attention for this episode, so this recap should just be an absolute blast. Sorry. I’m tired.

Pluses, or, Dandy Is Delightfully Nuts

–Cause, yeah, FUCK YEAH to that – plus 500 points. Someone on this show needed to totally lose their shit and I’m just glad it was Dandy, because Finn Wittrock is an absolute blast. That Tupperware party scene was absolutely the best one all season – that payoff with the bodies floating around. He probably couldn’t have done it by himself, but this show isn’t exactly known for its rock-solid logic.

–Plus 800 points for Jimmy having solid chemistry with SOMEONE. Maybe he should marry Ima IRL.

-Oh, and in terms of pure fucked-upedness, how about that Siamese twin puppet? DA FUCK WAS THAT. Plus 200 points, I think, for some reason.

-Elsa barely did anything in this entire episode, but she wore the shit outta that jumpsuit. Plus one pair of matching sunglasses.

-The Return of the Mutant Schlong! (Someone call J.J. Abrams, cause that is a really great potential Star Wars title.) Thanks for everything you do, Denis O’Hare. Plus 350 points.

-Finn Wittrock’s butt is perfect. It looks like two scoops of fucking French vanilla ice cream. Cannot handle that. Plus 1,000 points.

-At least we have a decent cliffhanger next week, and God knows I’m happy to see Evan Peters back behind bars for a crime he didn’t commit. Plus 700 points and a handful of aliens. He does his best work that way.

Minuses, or, The Herd Is Seriously Thinned

-Where were Bette and Dot this whole time, though? Holed up in a hotel room debating surgery?! God, Ryan Murphy, you could have thrown the lovely Sarah Paulson a bone after motherfucking Cordelia. Come on, dude. Minus a pair of functioning eyes.

-Also, Murphy, I feel like it was kind of a dick move to bill Gabourey Sibide for this season and to make her come to PaleyFest to announce it when she probably had better things to do, like absolutely anything else, and she was in this season for a grand total of, I don’t know, under twenty minutes before a corrupt cop shot her in the head (which, frankly, I’m not going to address right now). Minus everything forever, considering what’s happening in our country right now.

-Was I supposed to care about whatever was going on with Michael Chiklis? Was I supposed to care about him this whole time? Minus 800 points.

-I don’t think I ever took points off for Kathy Bates’ chin wig, so minus 500 points for Kathy Bates’ chin wig, and while I’m at it, a face slap to Ryan Murphy for making me look at it AND listen to her accent again. Double whammy of terrible, dude.

-A whole bunch of people died in this episode but NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED AT ALL. All that happened is a bunch of characters who have been inexplicably missing showed up again and agonized over whether they wanted to live or die. I hate that when AHS just flat out forgets about half its cast, they bring them back and let them cry in a closeup and do literally nothing else. I’m not taking points away for this because like, this just doesn’t matter.

I could write more, but, TBH, Jessica Williams is being really funny on my TV right now and I was feeling pretty apathetic about this episode anyway. See you next week, which will hopefully just be a rerun of Asylum!