Our musings on the Oscars in thrilling REAL TIME. Nina (N) and Ben (B) provide their silly sassy thoughts.

8:31 – Annnnnnd we already have a white joke!! (N)

8:33 – This is pretty fucking fun, I won’t lie. (N)

8:40 – It’s time for the J.K. Simmons Award! (B)

8:42 – J.K. Simmons wins for Whiplash! WHAT A SURPRISE! I love this, though. (N)

8:45 – I bet NPH put Lego Movie for Animated Film in his Super Secret Ballot. ((B)

8:47 – LIAM NEESONS! (N)

8:49 – I guess they’re doing two movies a year in clips… to save time for the song performances. (N)

8:51 – I muted Adam Levine. That’s better. (N)

8:52 – Literally everyone at my Oscar Party went to get food as soon as this song started. (B)

8:58 – Best Costume Design goes to Grand Budapest Hotel, obviously. (N)

9:00 – Does anyone else find it ironic that Reese is presenting makeup when her big movie was totally makeup-less? (N)

9:01 – Best Makeup and Hairstyling goes to Grand Budapest as well, which, sure. Guardians maybe deserved it more, but Foxcatcher didn’t win for a nose, so, thumbs up! (N)

9:02 – Budapest is SWEEPING these tech awards, as expected. Hopefully Wes will get his personal due as well…. (B)

9:07 – Don’t hold your breath, Ben. (N)

9:08 – Can Neil hire new writers during the show? These jokes are not doing it for me. (B)

9:09 – You shut your mouth, Ben. We can’t expect Tina and Amy from everyone. (N)

9:18 – “Everything is Awesome.” There aren’t words. My entire life has led up to Andy Samberg performing at the Oscars in a cape. (N)

9:20 – This performance just saved the Oscars. (B)

9:26 – Well, now that we’re in the Shorts categories, it’s clear that “Everything is Awesome” was the highlight of the show. Everyone can go home now. (N)

9:35 – I’ve been waiting for a time to pee, but I would have missed nothing at all for the past 10 minutes. So. (N)

9:45 – Can something please happen? (B)

9:48 – Sound Mixing goes to Whiplash, which is a relief, because it isn’t American Sniper. Sniper does take Sound Editing, though, because Oscar voters LOVE the noise in war movies. (N)

9:52 – The Patricia Arquette Award goes to… Patricia Arquette!!!!!!!!!

9:56 – Patricia Arquette gives feminist speech, Meryl jumps and whoops, and the entire room dies of sheer glee. (N)

10:01 – Rita Ora’s dress is huge. Her consonants are nonexistent. (N)

10:04 – Interstellar wins Best Visual Effects. Okay. (N)

10:07 – All of the Animated Shorts look adorable. I’m regretting not seeing them. Also, Feast won, so my imaginary ballot is looking real healthy. (N)

10:16 – Big Hero 6 wins Best Animated Feature, because The Lego Movie wasn’t nominated. (N)

10:17 – But….but The Boxtrolls!!!!! (B)

10:20 – Felicity Jones’ dress is still the worst ever, but Chris Pratt is here to solve all of our problems. (N)

10:23 – Grand Budapest Hotel wins Best Production Design, continuing the trend of Least Surprising Oscars. (N)

10:25 – Emmanuel Lubezki wins Best Cinematography, because the people who did Gone Girl weren’t nominated. Can you tell I’m getting bitter as the night goes on? (N)

10:32 – In Memoriam, or, “remember how terrible this last year was?” (N)

10:35 – Jennifer Hudson just hanging out singing a song. Yep, this broadcast is going to end on time for sure… (B)

10:45 – Best Editing goes to Whiplash, which is thrilling! Boyhood did have twelve years of footage to mill through, but Whiplash had the snappiest editing. (N)

10:50 – Best Documentary goes to Citizenfour. OKAY COOL! I’m drunk. (N)

11:00 – Standing ovation for “Glory” – fair. Selma deserves this. (N)

11:03 – Honestly, I know this bit is supposed to be cute, but it’s WEIRD. John Travolta is creepy and his face is made of rubber and he’s being way too touchy with all the ladies. (N)

11:08 – John Legend and Common win Best Song for “Glory,” and give a very emotional and politically charged speech. (N)

11:14 – Lady Gaga is singing Sound of Music because…..she can? Guys! We haven’t even gotten to the Screenplay Awards! Let’s keep this going!!!! (B)

11:15 – I don’t know WHY that happened LOGISTICALLY, but Lady Gaga slayed that Sound of Music tribute. (N)

11:21 – And then Julie Andrews showing up to hug her was like, a little overwhelming emotionally. (N)

11:27 – Best Score goes to Grand Budapest Hotel – or, more specifically, Alexandre Desplat, who was nominated against himself! (N)

11:31 – Best Original Screenplay goes to… Birdman. HMMM. V. interesting. (N)

11:33 – “Ladies and gentlemen, Borpo!” Remember that 30 Rock episode? I’m SO BORED YOU GUYS (N)

11:35 – Best Adapted Screenplay goes to The Imitation Game, because Harvey Weinstein. (N)

11:42 – I am VERY interested in where this Director race goes. (N)

11:43 – Best Director goes to… Inarritu. Which… okay. I… whatever. WHATEVER. IT’S FINE. (N)

11:47 – OOH. BEST ACTOR. (N)

11:49 – Best Actor goes to… Eddie Redmayne! Just like I said it would! (N)

11:50 – Poor Michael Keaton. He freakin’ MADE Birdman what it is. Don’t know when he’ll get another role like this again. (B)

11:54 – Eddie Redmayne is really fucking endearing, too. (N)

11:57 – Best Actress goes to… MARION COTILLARD! OH MY GOD! WHAT AN UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kidding. It was Julianne Moore. I love her SO much, but this is boring. (N)

12:01 – CAN WE SERIOUSLY MOVE THIS ALONG PLEASE (N)

12:04 – It’s finally fucking Best Picture Time, and it goes to… Birdman. I don’t know. (N)

12:05 – One of the weirdest Best Picture winners in recent history. I’m fine with it. I’m just glad we don’t have to watch Weak NPH anymore. (B)