Game of Thrones Recap: Keeping Up With the Kingslayers


As we near the end of Season 5, we’re seeing an interesting adaptation situation unfold – while one character’s storyline arrives at its scheduled point, another progresses leaps and bounds past its current ending. Also, Sam got laid.

Let’s get going.

Pluses, or, Can Scientists Invent Direwolves So I Can Get One Already

-Seriously, there has never been a better (or cuter) deus ex machina in all of fiction than Ghost. Plus 5,000 points.

-I have so much to say about Olenna Tyrell, and it’s all variations on “she’s amazing.” First of all – I think we can all agree that Diana Rigg is to Game of Thrones as Jessica Lange is to American Horror Story, if we’re going to utilize outdated SAT questions, so plus 10,000 points for that. (Obviously, what I mean by that is that she’s the fabulous older bitch who eventually destroys everyone.) Second, the scene between her and the High Sparrow was such a great acting exercise between Rigg and Jonathan Pryce – plus 4,000 points. Finally, I would for sure watch a spin-off that was just Littlefinger and the Queen of Thorns, so plus 2,000 points for their little tete-a-tete this week. I’m taking suggestions for titles starting right now. (The Real Kingslayers of King’s LandingKeeping Up With the Kingslayers?)

-I could not possibly be more thrilled about this Tyrion development, which lifts his plotline out of total drudgery and gets him to Mereen on the fast track. Plus, it’s been a while since Blackwater or his time with Catelyn Stark, so I feel like we’ve all forgotten that Tyrion is a) a pretty good fighter and b) a reckless badass – his little chain performance last night was a welcome return to form. All in all, plus 20,000 points for teaming up two of Game of Thrones‘ most interesting characters, which – unlike last week’s ending – makes me so excited for next week’s episode.

-This was one of the last things I did know was coming, but plus 5,000 points for not abandoning Cersei’s storyline entirely. It’s worth keeping in the show, and judging by the scuttlebutt coming out of Croatia during filming, it’ll remain mostly the same. Plus, there’s sure to be a little more shake-up this time around – now that Tommen has aged up enough to be all up in his new queen, the dynamic will almost certainly change. Buckle up, non-readers. You’ve got one last big shock coming for you.

Plus 1,000 points for Margaery finally yelling at Cersei. If being in prison has one upside, there it is.

-Jonathan Pryce goes from grandpa-level kindly to black-in-the-eyes evil in seconds flat, just like most real-life cult leaders (probably). Plus 500 points.

-While Bronn’s scene was heavy on Game of Thrones‘ signature move – close-up tit shots for no reason – it was nice to hear him sing, at least! Plus 200 points.

Minuses, or, Everybody Else Sucks

-Remember when I told you I was worried about Shireen? I’m really worried about Shireen. It’s never good to be in Melisandre’s kingsblood crosshairs. Minus 500 points.

-Is every Jaime scene just going to be “but Daaaaad, I LOVE him!!” for the rest of the season? No points yet. If that’s all we get next week, I’ll start taking points.

Minus 5,000 points for all of Sansa’s scenes, and for her bruises, and for Reek fucking bailing on her, and for Ramsay flaying the old lady, and UGH. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

-You know what I didn’t really need? An in-depth Samwell Tarly sex scene. Taking away points seems mean, but, come on. Jon hasn’t been shirtless for like, three seasons.

Minus 2,000 points for this pace, too. I get that dominoes need to be laid down, but things felt really, incredibly draggy this week.

And let’s not forget, before we go – RIP, Aemon Targaryen. Your only living relative is still out there, banging her hot fight captain and not getting anything concrete done. You probably wouldn’t be that proud of her at this juncture. See you next week for the Tyrion-Dany showdown!

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