Game of Thrones: Do The Wight Thing

(Sorry for the late recap!)

All right, all right, all right. Having a big battle scene before Episode 9 is almost like having Christmas come early, but I’m sure we’ll still be able to settle in for some bona-fide batshittery next week. But! Let’s not jump ahead, even though I do that all the time because I’m easily distracted! Let’s talk about THIS week, where a lot of pretty great things happened.

Pluses, or, Tyrion + Dany 4Ever

-Seriously, there are no words for how much I love this team-up. Did it happen a little ridiculously quickly? Sure. But I’m SO looking forward to their continued adventures – Dany holds Tyrion’s hair back! Tyrion gives Dany boy advice!! Oh, and obviously, they take over Westeros. Plus 10,000 points for their quiet, intimate scenes, and an extra 1,000 points to Peter fucking Dinklage. That guy is GOOD.

-Even though I feel like it’s a tiny bit out of left field, I’m super into Arya’s kill mission. She is so totally The Bride and I am NOT mad about it. Plus 3,000 points.

-Cersei’s totally unbridled rage is so much fun, and it’s clear that Lena Headey is having a great time breaking that Kabuki mask she’s been wearing for about three seasons. Watching Cersei slurp water off the floor was some seriously beautiful retribution. Plus 1,000 points.

-Finally, some progress on the Sansa front – Reekon finally admits that he didn’t kill her brothers, just some randos, and that they might still be alive, but, you know. This shit’s gotta come in stages. Stockholm Syndrome isn’t solved in a day. Just ask Patty Hearst. Plus 2,000 points.

-It’s a mark of how unsubtle Game of Thrones has become that the second the camera zoomed in on Jon’s sword handle, my boyfriend said exhaustedly, “Bet you anything that Valyrian steel can kill a White Walker.” Even though this is EXACTLY THE SAME PLOT as the last Harry Potter book (what, is the sword imbibed with basilisk venom too?!), this is a pretty exciting development, so plus 500 points for that.

-When all the Free Folk are standing around a fire talking about their feelings and Tormund is making an impassioned plea for them to join the Night’s Watch, the camera cuts to a red-headed man whose only line is “I agree with Tormund!” Is that the same actor who plays Tormund in an even sillier wig?!? No points, just wondering.

-Also, that guy that Tormund killed when they walked into the camp almost definitely has a name, but he was so clearly a Marowak. He even tried to use Bone Club! Plus 500 points to me for being a shameless Pokemon nerd.

-I don’t think I need to spend much time elaborating on the battle, since the rest of the Internet has beaten me to it – yes, it was a lovely surprise to get a sick battle sequence earlier than expected! – but it really was a gorgeously shot and executed sequence, capped off by that perfectly silent ending with the Night’s King (Vulture has lots of info about him, if you need a refresher) doing a sick magic shrug that rose the new dead as his army. I mean, SHIIIIIT. This boat is REAL. Plus 4,000 points.

Minuses, or, Quit Playing Games With Jorah’s Heart

-ENOUGH, FRIENDZONE JORAH. If only Second City were still running its Sassy Gay friend videos so somebody could yell at you. (“Desperate! Desperate! I am really desperate!!”) Minus 800 points.

-If I had a nickel for every time this show featured a likable, cool character who happens to have children says they’ll be “right behind them” followed by that character dying the most horrible death imaginable, I could probably buy that Crosley record player I’ve had my eye on. Seriously, Game of Thrones – did Karsi HAVE to be torn apart by scary zombie children?! Was that NECESSARY?!? Minus 1,000 points.

Well, until next week – which could be the battle of Winterfell, but could also totally be Cersei’s Big Day, which… you’ll see, guys. You’ll see. Also, just a friendly reminder that Amy Poehler loves Game of Thrones and has read all the books and spends the episodes wondering if Lena Headey and Kit Harrington have ever been anywhere near each other, which I know because she said it while I was ten feet away from her in the same room, quietly dying of a heart attack. Okay, bye!

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