If you thought I would be mature and resist the urge to make a Ginuwine reference now that Dany has finally ridden a dragon, then you would be wrong about that.
Pluses, or, Episode 9 Delivers Again
-I read something very interesting this week about how Game of Thrones varies in its 9th episode structure – the odd numbered seasons stuck to shock value like Ned Stark’s execution or the Red Wedding, while the evens threw in the huge battles at Castle Black and Blackwater Bay – and we should probably expect shock value this week. I wish I remember who said that, because they were totally dead-on. (Time, maybe?!) Plus 10,000 points for the most disturbing and action packed Number Nine since Season 3.
-I feel like Arya’s storyline will be overlooked (until next week when she plans a little more carefully, we can hope) because of all the other crazy shit that happened this week, but I honestly couldn’t BE more thrilled that one of her Kill List Names is running around Braavos looking for preteen girls in whorehouses. (Which, like, of COURSE HE IS.) Plus 5,000 points, and here’s hoping that Jaqen will let her switch out one dirtbag for another.
-I guess I should give Jon some points for saving lives or whatever? He can have plus 500 points, which are basically residual goodwill points from last week.
-DAAAAAAAANY!!! This scene had EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted: Tyrion being really sassy; Hizdahr getting very murdered; Daario being extremely sexy; Missandei being useless; the Sons of the Harpy doing that hilarious movie-fight thing where they kind of wait their turn to attack the protagonist instead of all attacking at once and actually killing her; Dany’s strongest jewelry game yet (someone buy me that dragon necklace immediately, thanks); a ton of beheadings for no reason; Drogon setting EVERYONE on fire; and Dany fucking riding Drogon like Ginuwine rode his goddamn metaphorical pony. Say it with me now: YAS, QUEEN. Plus 15,000 points.
-Also, let’s throw in a quick plus 500 points for Tyrion’s new favorite backhanded compliment: “My father would have liked you.”
Plus Total: 31,000 points / Total Ginuwine references: 2
Minuses, or, WHYYYYY EPISODE 9 WHYYYY
-GODDAMMIT YOU GUYS MINUS 5,000 POINTS
-I TOLD YOU I WAS FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT SHIREEN MINUS 5,000 MORE POINTS
-FUCK, DUDE MINUS 5,000 MORE POINTS
-Okay. I will try to collect myself, but I can’t make ANY promises. Honestly. Minus 1,000 points right off the bat for the fact that we lost Shireen this week and her fucking MOM is still around to irritate the shit out of me. Minus 1,000 points for Stannis becoming entirely reprehensible – killing Renly was one thing, I GUESS, when the crown was at stake, but I definitely don’t think anyone will be cool with it when they find out that you burned your young daughter in front of a huge crowd because a witch said it was a good idea. Minus 1,000 points for Davos being right about something. And finally, minus 1,000 points for that HUG Shireen gives Stannis after announcing that she would do anything to help. FUCK. UGH. SERIOUSLY.
-This Dorne storyline is turning out to be the biggest waste of time on this series so far. I mean, after ALL of that, Myrcella gets to go home and Ellaria cries over swearing fealty while her daughters all make hilarious emoji faces and Bronn gets punched in the face and Jaime is kind of a smug dick and who gives a shit?! Minus 10,000 points.
-This is such a minor, yelling-at-the-horror-movie style quibble, but – I get that Tyrion/Jorah/Daario/Missandei were all super pumped slash confused about their Khaleesi taking off on her dragon baby, but shouldn’t they MOVE?! They’re still the queen’s council and they are STILL surrounded by the Harpies (who are basically as threatening as Orcs with limited peripheral vision, but still). I’m just saying. If next week’s episode opens with Daario getting his throat slashed because they just stood there for too long, I’m rage quitting this show. Minus 600 points.
Minus Total: 29,600 points / Capslock total: Too much
This was a close call in terms of tallies, but Tyrion’s resting bitch face and the promise of Arya’s mission was enough to push this episode into the positive numbers. Seriously, though, note how close it was. Don’t do this to me again next week, Thrones. As a wise, sassy half-man said tonight, “There’s always been more than enough death in the world for my taste. I can do without it in my leisure time.”
Well, I’ll be here next week, for the season finale of what seems to now be just a very large gathering of masochists. I’ll also be posting my piece on adaptation once the series ends – and not for any good reason, but basically just because I haven’t done it yet. Until next Sunday – the finale is coming!