Okay. Okay. Okay. Take a deep breath, everyone. We’re all okay. IT’S JUST A TV SHOW. No, I’m not crying. You’re crying.
Let’s get right into it. We have lit’rally ALL THE THINGS to talk about. Oh, and it pains me that I even need to say this, but do not read this if you haven’t seen the episode because I am going to talk about Big Death Scenes kbye.
Pluses, or, Stark Girls Are Doin’ It For Themselves
-BRIENNE. You stood in the snow forever only to forsake one oath for another! Well, that’s okay. I hope you killed Stannis after telling him that he killed your father and that he should prepare to die. You’re the best. See you in Star Wars! Plus 2,000 points.
-Sansa started this season in a much more active role, and ended up SO passive post-rape, but all the same, that was a nifty little move with the corkscrew. And though Brienne missed it by seconds, girl, you LIT that candle. Plus 5,000 points for her newfound backbone. Also, anyone panicking about her jump with Reek needs to chill. They can’t kill ALL the Stark kids in one night. She’s fine.
-Oh, and Myranda going full splat on the bricks was the first moment in the episode that elicited actual, non-ironic fist pumps from everyone in my living room. Plus 3,000 points.
-…followed immediately by the next fist-pump moment, which was ARYA’S DEATHDAY PARTY! Holy shiiiiiiit, that boat was real. At first, when I saw those three girls lined up, I knew one of them HAD to be Arya but I thought maybe she just got some super-cool Kylie Jenner-brand hair extensions, but she did one better – new face! And, as was probably expected, she really did not take it easy on good old Meryn Trant. Sure, she got punished by being blinded, in a very cool-looking sequence that I don’t fully understand, but I’m not yet concerned about her either. Arya is destined to go rogue, and she’ll figure her shit out eventually. Plus 10,000 points, even though we had to watch some children get beaten up in the process. (Why? WHY?!?)
-Jaime gives the worst sex talk of all time. “You see, honey, when a brother and a sister love each other very much and want to keep their bloodlines pure…” Plus 500 points. Also, bye, Myrcella. We knew you… literally not at all, but Cersei’s kids actually have to die for plot purposes, so, whatever.
-Tyrion: “You both love her, don’t you?” Every dude in the room stares at the ceiling. Plus 700 points.
-Also, Tyrion’s rusty Valyrian provided a single moment of relief during a very stressful hour of my life. Plus 500 points.
-Okay, so, are we getting an in-between season, buddy-cop spinoff about Daario and Jorah?? Which one of them is “getting too old for this shit?!” Plus 600 points because that inevitably won’t happen, but I can still make up a theme song for it.
-I would also fully watch a between-season House of Cards spoof about Tyrion and Varys running Mereen. HBO, I HAVE DEMANDS. GIVE US WEBISODES. Plus 700 points.
–No points yet for this Dany situation. I definitely feel like it’s a friendly Khalasar, but, maybe there’s no such thing as a friendly Khalasar? Also, why did she throw her ring out? Was it to leave a trail or was it to hide her marriage to Khal Drogo? Also, why is her dragon so fucking useless? I’m seriously starting to feel like dragons are more of a hindrance than a help. That being said, if you have a dragon, don’t WANDER AWAY FROM IT to find food. That’s stupid. Okay, I’m done.
-So NOW you guys all understand what I’ve meant by Cersei’s Big Day, and, boy, was that a big day. That sequence was truly harrowing and pretty miserable to watch, but shot gorgeously and performed tremendously by Lena Headey, whose unusually expressive mouth belies her real devastation with just the tiniest of twitches. (I really couldn’t deal with the Shame Lady, though. She made things feel a little too much like a dirtier version of this Princess Bride scene.) I kind of can’t wait for Cersei to come back and fuck everyone up before Tyrion murders her or whatever (these aren’t book spoilers! These are just my most closely-held dreams), but let’s not forget going into next season that Cersei confessed to exactly ONE CRIME out of like, 300. This is gonna stay ugly. All of that being said, you know that bitch isn’t leaving the Red Keep till her hair grows back. She’s looking ratchet as fuck. Plus 3,000 points.
-I usually hate her, but plus 500 points to Melisandre for bailing on the whole Stannis thing. Best to just jump off the wrong horse as fast as possible, you know? Better luck next time!
Plus Side: 24,800 points / Spinoff ideas that HBO should definitely use and let me executive produce: 2
Minuses, or, Is Everyone An Idiot?
-Stannis, what is WRONG with you? You’re supposed to be this great strategist, and after alienating literally half your army by, you know, publicly executing your young daughter for legitimately no reason, your wife hangs herself and you still decide to go to war with the world’s jankiest fucking army. Like, YOU’RE limping onto the field. You are stupid, this was a terrible idea, and I definitely hope Brienne lopped your dumb head off. Minus 8,000 points.
-I’m not trying to seem nitpicky here, but does it really seem like a good idea for the Dornish to poison ALL of their stuff?! Spears are one thing, but poisoned lipstick just seems like a recipe for disaster. Minus 1,000 points.
-And speaking of bad ideas, I guess I just feel like in a universe where there are actual zombies running around that can be created at a moment’s notice by a monster king, it just seems like a bad call to create OTHER zombies, no matter how gentle a giant they may seem. Cersei seemed to like him fine, but I feel like that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement. Minus 5,000 points.
-Jon has two deus ex machinas at his disposal whenever he wants – a magic Valyrian steel sword and a fucking magic giant dog that kills all of his enemies – and brings NEITHER of those things down to his stabbing party. I guess I get why he left his sword, but why isn’t Ghost following him are CONSTANTLY?! He’s a GIANT FUCKING MAGIC DOG. Where even is Ghost?! Did you LOSE him?! You actually know nothing, bitch. Minus 10,000 points.
-Also, fuck you, Ollie. Just… fuck you. Minus 5,000 points.
–No points for this, but let’s talk about this whole “Jon Snow is dead” situation. I… am not buying that. Not for a goddamn second. Kit Harington and his boss Benioff are rustling a lot of feathers right now by running their mouths about how Jon is for sure dead even though George R.R. Martin recently came out and said that “dead doesn’t mean dead” in this universe, and I’m inclined to side with him. Jon has way too much unfinished business, Kit Harington has an active contract, and there’s just WAY too many convenient ways for him to come back to life. First, Starks are magic, and Jon could live on through Ghost, if he can find the goddamn dog. Second, a Red Priestess – who’s got the same powers as Arya’s friends from Season 2 – just conveniently arrived in camp with the power to raise the dead. Third, if Jon is half Targaryen, which he almost certainly is, then fire won’t harm him when the Night’s Watch tries to burn his body, and it may even resurrect him.
Four, there’s a lot of talk about this Azor Ahai legend that’s floating around in the books, and that was the whole basis of the Melisandre-Stannis alliance – she was convinced he was Azor Ahai (for more info, Gawker spells this out in an informative way, and you can also just google Azor Ahai for approximately a thousand theories), and he clearly wasn’t. Since this legend involves a resurrection, I think it’s impossible to rule out. And five, and maybe most importantly, I seriously don’t buy that anyone on the show is for sure dead until we see them dead beyond repair. Jon isn’t there yet. We have a long wait ahead of us, but stay strong, friends. Let’s just wait and see.
Minus Side: 21,000 points / Bad ideas by characters: too many to count
This was a hell of a season, even though I didn’t actually always enjoy myself, and it was extra fascinating to see how they adapted the show to condense the dragging fourth and fifth volumes into a rather quick sequence of events. (Yes, I’m still going to write about this.) I’ll be back next season, of course, and in the meantime, I’ll be recapping other shows as I see fit – certainly American Horror Story, and maybe some others as well. Thanks to all who read this for sticking around so graciously, even through all my caps lock, rage, and Ginuwine references. Winter is coming! Eventually.