(I’m the WORST. Sorry for the late recap, but better late than just skipping it and moving directly to next week’s, right?)

Ultimately, here’s my issue thus far with Hotel – I feel like I want to make a bunch of sassy snap judgments about how this shit is already off the rails and I don’t really see where up it can go, but at the same time, it’s only the second episode and I feel like I should give Murphy the benefit of the doubt. In answer to your inevitable follow-up question, the answer is no, I never learn my lesson where Murphy is concerned. Let’s do this.

Pluses, or, HI EVAN PETERS

-Yooooo! That Evan Peters as H.H. Holmes backstory was SICK NASTY, in every single way I could mean the words “sick” and “nasty.” I LOVE seeing him go beyond the “scrappy kid with an unidentifiable accent” gig he’s been handed since Murder House, and the one-two punch of his Bane voice and Michael Cera in Youth In Revolt mustache is too much, but in the best way. He is a delight, Mare Winningham is a delight, and the flashbacks were delightful even though I hated the “artsy” touch of putting them in B&W. Plus 5,000 points – I would have given more except for the Instagram filter and the fact that Mare Winningham is only listed as a special guest star, which concerns me, overall.

-Finn Wittrock is, as usual, playing an over-the-top and completely insufferable character. I guess that without Queen Jessica on the show anymore, this is the best we’re gonna get, so like, plus 600 points. Whatever.

-Actually, wait, I’ll give more points to Finn Wittrock for finally dressing up to his name: he is officially a Pokemon League Champion now. Plus 400 more points.

-There was probably a slightly less clumsy way to get Detective Do-Good downstairs to listen to Exposition Batesy over there tell the whole Evan Peters tale, but I don’t know what that way was, so, that worked, I guess. Plus 200 points.

-Can you imagine the TripAdvisor reviews for the Hotel Cortez?! “Spacious bathroom, nice lobby. Staff was a bit weird, my bed was twitching a lot, and I kept seeing ghost children everywhere, but fine for the price. Would stay again, 3 stars.” No points, just enjoying my own jokes over here.

–Plus 3,000 points for that whole bit about hunting Kendall Jenner, only because of course that dude would want to hunt the LEAST offensive Kardashian.

Total: 9,200 points / 3 stars on Booking.com, probably

Minuses, or, Let’s Just Recycle All The Vampire Plots That Have Ever Happened And Pretend We’re Original

-No, like, REALLY. WHY. Not only is the “turning” process exactly the same as True Blood, but since that show is pretty obviously the main inspiration where dem vampers are concerned, I’m really, extremely not looking forward to the inevitable “Lady Gaga when she was turned” flashbacks that we had to endure ALLLLL through True Blood (cue scene of Stephen Moyer stomping around in Civil War gear, crying over his dead, annoying family). Minus 2,000 points because, come on. You can do better, guys.

-Can we talk about Detective Do-Good’s daughter whose name I think is Scarlett but also who gives a crap? She’s being a reckless lunatic and I just feel like the combo of him being a not particularly attentive father and her being a little too curious will definitely be the end of her. Although it was far too easy for her to stumble directly into the Rec Room of the Damned, she immediately forgot the first rule of Fight Club vampires and was all, but first, let me take a selfie, but that kid is gonna die, and probably gruesomely. Minus 3,000 points for the usual lack of common sense among, I don’t know, any single one of these characters.

-Wes Bentley was doing a perfectly serviceable acting job on this cycle so far until he had to rearrange his face into a not-frown. Minus 200 points.

-You would think that when your star du jour is Lady Gaga, a woman whose personal wig collection probably takes up at least three rooms of her house, you would have relatively solid wig work on your show, but judging by Gaga’s EXTREMELY visible wig line, that is not the case here. Minus 500 points – sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

Total: 5,700 points / 1 very visible wig line

Honestly, I don’t have anything else to even say here. Yeah, Schmitty is still #trappedinthebed and we’re going to have to sit through five thousand more scenes of Detective Do-Good running through hallways shouting “HOLDEN!” at the top of his lungs, but like, this was a weird setup episode and I need to see where it goes. Back on Thursday this time – I promise – and then we’ll be off for a week just before Halloween since I will be away. I knew the Halloween episode would be a disappointment, so, here we are. (That’s not the real reason I’ll be away, but I do stand by that.)