American Horror Story Recap: Mama Who Bore Me

I was going to start this recap by saying “things are getting interesting,” but AHS is the kind of show where I can’t necessarily tell if things actually are getting interesting, or if they’re going to dovetail into a hot mess of minotaur sex and German snuff films. I guess I’ve just been burned too many times before. Anyway, let’s roll.

Pluses, or, Angela Bassett: Vampire Hunter

-I mean, sure, I guess she’s also TECHNICALLY a vamper, but that intro scene was AMAZEBALLS and so fitting, because Angela has taken over Jessica Lange’s Camp Queen mantle now that she has deserted us. Plus 20,000 points – I would watch EVERY Angela Bassett blaxsploitation movie ever, and also, she is hilarious and insane. Yes, more of her, yes yes yes – her plotline is still kind of wonky and weird and I don’t fully understand her motivation, but Angela Bassett could sell me any fucking plot in the world and I’d be cool with it somehow, so.

-Also, just to clarify, I was watching this show with a room full of people and the “YASSSSS” chorus when Angela Bassett appeared on screen was overwhelming. No points for us yelling, but, just saying.

-Chloe SevignYAY got a whole monologue this week! That means she’ll get killed next week, probs. Plus 500 points, because, well, I like watching her monologue. (Also, lesson learned from her backstory: dogs are the best because they know when you’re in trouble, so plus 500 more points for dogs.)

-BYEEEEE NAOMI! Sorry Bed-Schmitty stabbed you, but you were pretty boring, all things considered. Plus 300 points for expediency, even though now she does seem to be hanging around.

-Detective Do-Good fits right in at the hotel now, cause he’s got blood all over his shirt! Plus 800 points.

-I also love how his gameplan appears to be “arrest all the ghosts in the hotel.” Lololol, friend. Plus 300 points.

-Three more Chloe SevignYAY moments I loved: when she picked up the Jessica Lange Sass Crown, put it on, and was like, “It hasn’t been rough at all. It’s been great” to poor defeated Detective Do-Good about him moving out; when she was clearly going to keep her beret on during sex; and when she saw bloody Naomi Campbell in the hallway and just walked away, all, “yeah, if anyone knows how weird models are, it’s me.” Plus 5,000 points for all of that.

Plus 400 points for Finn Wittrock’s Psychedelic Seduction Shirt. WHO MADE THAT? WHAT IS THAT?!?

-Also, plus 600 points for literally everything Evan Peters has done in this season cause all of it is cracking my shit UP. I feel like that’s not necessarily what he’s going for, but I don’t care. He’s hilarious.

-Also, a few excellent things about the Angela Bassett flashback. First, never in my life did I think I would see a sex scene between Angela Bassett and Lady Gaga, especially one where Gaga is NURSING HER, but, YOLO, I guess? Second, I like how we completely switched shows for a hot second and were just watching Empire (#crosspromotion). Third, THAT ELEVATOR OUTFIT MONTAGE. I will take an entire show of that, please. Plus another 5,000 point combo.

-Can Denis O’Hare saying “act-or” be my new ringtone? Plus 1,000 points.

Total: 34,100 / 1 Psychedelic Seduction Shirt

Minuses, or, I Am Still Confused By So Many Things

-Okay, when Chloe and Detective Do-Good were having their divorce happy hour at the bar, WHO WERE ANY OF THE OTHER PEOPLE DRINKING THERE?! Like, do people actually set FOOT in this place? Are those all people who were sordidly murdered here?! I NEED ANSWERS, MURPHY!! Minus 1,000 points.

-I groaned audibly at the name “Madoff.” I mean, COME ON. Lady Gaga being a vampiric golddiger is just NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Minus 5,000 points.

-Also, like, I love Kathy Bates, but she has once again been relegated to “mopey mama.” Stop. Make her evil, please. Minus 1,000 points.

-Every season, Pokemon Gym Leader Finn Wittrock’s character trait is literally just “thinks he owns the place.” Boring. Minus 2,000 points.

-I also love Sarah Paulson and her tear abilities are on point, but does she have to leak a single tear in EVERY SINGLE SCENE? If it’s episode 3 and I’m already over the single tear, something’s not right. Minus 400 points.

-Detective Do-Good is, let’s all be honest, one of the worst detectives I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve watched a LOT of Ice-T as Finn Tutuola. No points, just an observation.

Total: 9,400 points / 1 Madoff

Okay. I’ll admit it. Shit isn’t too bleak – YET. But we’ll see. I’ll be away next week and will skip the recap in favor of writing it a full week late, so see you in two weeks for a super-sized post-Halloween mess!

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