American Horror Story Recap: Bitches Love Paté

Guys! Things are getting interesting! This is a weird feeling. I don’t necessarily have any bitchy comments right off the bat. I don’t even know how to feel. Who am I?

Pluses, or, Hey! This Episode Was Kinda Good!

-I know this totally happened last week and I didn’t write about it because I was too busy drinking a bunch of daytime wine in Milan (that isn’t a #humblebrag cause it ain’t humble), but why does John Carroll Lynch ALWAYS have to play a scary clown? WHY?! Is it in his Murphy contract? Also, Murphy: WHY?!??!? That being said, plus 10,000 points for the Serial Killer Slumber Party, especially Lily Rabe going Full Weirdo as Aileen Wuornos. (Truth be told, she was a bit much, but, well, Aileen was probably a bit much too.)

-I love that a show exists where I can tune in and be like, “okay, great, Chloe Sevigny is both a baby vampire and a vampire governess now, and she shares a coffin with her weird, lispy son.” Plus 2,000 points to Ryan Murphy for making this possible.

Plus 1,000 more points for the myth that all TV shows that feature a hospital perpetrate, which is that you can do literally whatever you want in a hospital supply closet for as much time as you want (cry, bang, drink blood from a blood bag like those squeezable fruit things they sell at Starbucks), and a nurse will never barge in looking for intubation tubes or gauze.

No points either way on this, but I am finding this vampire-virus to be VERY confusing and inconsistent in how it spreads or works or, honestly, what the fuck it has to do with measles. I very much get the anti-anti-vaxxer statement that Murphy & Co. are making and I super love that angle, but I guess I’m not clear on how Max was even able to pass this virus along to a bunch of other kids, or how they turned into measles-ridden vampires so quickly, or really, any of this. I’m both excited to see how this pans out and annoyed about the inevitable plot-messiness that will come of it.

Plus 500 points for Detective Do-Good and Chloe Sevigny turning out to be a perfect couple: they are both ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT THEIR JOBS. (Also, one of them got fired in this episode, which is probably for the best, considering that he stormed into a real police office and yelled about eating dinner with a bunch of ghost murderers.)

Plus 3,000 points for Denis O’Hare’s touching and gorgeously acted backstory, and plus 1,000 more points for Gaga’s character actually having a soft side! I don’t really know what else to say about this. I just loved it, but Denis O’Hare could make me cry if he was doing commercials for fabric softener, so.

-Good to know Angela Bassett is still in the background at her giant mansion being fucking amazing. Plus 300 points.

-So, Ryan Murphy loves his crew, so seeing Darren Criss show up should have been a huge surprise to exactly no one. What WAS a surprise was him dying fucking IMMEDIATELY. Not to say he didn’t deserve it – I wanted to smother him with a pillow after his first few lines and maybe then use his body to kill that GMO-free turd girl he had with him. Luckily, Kathy Bates took care of that, because we knew she had to snap at some point – but MAN, was that fun to watch! There’s nothing better than classic crazy Kathy Bates, really. Plus 8,000 points.

-Liz Taylor’s paté trick would work in most restaurants. Plus 900 points.

Total: 26,700 points / 1 plate of cat food paté

-This is blasphemy and I know it, but Sarah Paulson is acting a little too hard to do it for me anymore, and I just don’t super care about her anymore. Maybe this is just because I haven’t gotten a backstory yet, so, get on that, Murphy. Minus 1,000 points.

-Also, Donovan is SO useless. Like, cool, you want to take down this season’s Head Bitch (oh, and also, I’m tired of that storyline). DO SOMETHING. Minus 600 points.

Total: 1,600 points / 2 boring characters

We’ll be back to our normal schedule next week, and I’ll continue reserving judgment and holding out hope that this doesn’t all fall to pieces too soon! When it does, though, I’ll be right here to make fun of it.

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