American Horror Story Recap: Bundle of Oy

So, things slowed down a bit this week, as they were bound to eventually, but this show is still banged off its axis and is still kind of working. Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There are some things that are not working so hard that they’re practically Kardashians. Let’s get to it.

Pluses, or, LOLOL WUT

-Every outfit the Countess wore in this episode was YAS. That turban with the matching, off-the-shoulder green dress? The vampy, inky-black evening gown? That WHITE CAPE?! Plus 4,000 points.

-Also, Angela Bassett was briefly back in this episode for a baby-hunting expedition, which was exactly as ridiculous as it sounds. First, she looks for the Wee Coffins, which have been conveniently moved by Chloe SevignYAY (which was primarily to freak out Dr. Do-Good, because this show is often just confusing nonsense), and then goes looking for Bartholomew, which… we’ll get to that. Angela Bassett cooing at a demon baby in a dark room is basically all I’ve ever wanted, though. Plus 1,000 points.

-Mare Winningham continues to be delightfully happy about bloodstains, which is just a throughline I’m really enjoying. Plus 700 points.

-Also, hi and bye, Evan Peters! Can we get a whole show about you? JK, that’s just called Devil In The White City, and Scorsese and DiCaprio are already on it. Stand down, Murphy. Plus 300 points.

-Also, The Countess is such a HORRENDOUS bitch and I kind of fucking love it. That little twitch-slash move has never been more expertly employed than on Pokemon Gym Leader Finn Wittrock, and I also know that her double standard (wherein she can cheat all she wants but her prey can’t stray) will come back to bite her in her lovely ass eventually, but it’s fun to watch NOW. Also, thanks for disposing of PokemonGym Leader Finn Wittrock expediently. We needed that. Plus 4,500 points.

-LOLOL AT THAT SHARK BABY DOLL THEY ASKED LADY GAGA TO CUDDLE PLUS 10,000 POINTS I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK HAHAHAHA

-Hey! The Swedes served a purpose (which, yes, was literally their whole storyline), which I guess was to make Detective Do-Good go crazier, but, beggars can’t be choosers! They also got to commit their own totally unwarranted murder, which is always fun, although I do think it’s kind of weird and sexist that their eternal purpose appears to be “Swedish ghost fuck bunnies” but WHATEVER I need to overlook many things on this show and I will add that to the pile! Plus 6,000 points.

-Can we all just accept that Detective Do-Good’s drunk alter-ego, Detective Schwasty-Face, is definitely the Se7en Killer? No points, I just wanted us to all come to an understanding.

-Every time Cheyenne Jackson is in a sex scene with Lady Gaga, I always think, at first, that it’s his 30 Rock character having hate sex with Jenna Maroney. No points for this either. I just needed to share.

-Even though the season-to-season connections are eventually going to fall apart at the seams (including the fact that either Nora Montgomery and Aileen Wuornos were the same person, or share a distant relative or something), it was still fun watching Gaga show up at the Murder House. Callbacks! Plus 800 points.

Total: 27,300 points / 1 shark baby

Minuses, or, We Get It, You’re So Drunk

-Detective Do-Good is like that one girl at the frat party who keeps screaming to everyone about how drunk she is, and even if three bros found it funny the first three times, everyone is ready to strangle her by the fiftieth. WE GET IT. You’re the world’s most boring alcoholic, and I’m pretty over him being our supposed protagonist. I don’t root for him at all; Chloe SevignYAY clearly left him because he’s about as interesting as a bucket of paste; and the reunion of his boring fucking family is definitely not the element of this show that anybody should be focusing on. Can he die? Soon? Please? The whole POINT of this show is to clean house constantly to keep the momentum going. Minus 10,000 points.

-Don’t you just LOVE when Ryan Murphy shoves two characters together and tries to sell us on a super-rushed love story for maximum emotional exploitation? Don’t you ALSO just love when it’s some kind of weird non-statement on same-sex relationships? Pokemon Gym Leader Finn Wittrock and Liz Taylor have literally never been on screen together before, and we’re supposed to believe they were making sweet, tender love in the background of every scene for like, six episodes? No. Come on. Minus 4,000 points.

-Where is any of this going? No points. I ask this every season, so I shouldn’t even be surprised.

Total: 14,000 points / 1 dead detective PLEAAAASE

We’ll be back next week with more Murphy ridiculousness, and maybe we’ll get a little more than just repeated, dark shots of naked butts this time! Let’s hope for the best, right?

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