Okay. I’m officially confused.
Pluses, or, Silent Films Are Cool, I Guess
-I mean like, that was fun, stylistically and all. I didn’t hate it, and I usually hate when I realize I’m actually just watching AHS: Film School. The flashbacks served actual purpose and gave us some cool, lovesick backstory on Countess Gaga, plus some really campy loveliness from Alexandra Daddario, otherwise known as “Tits McGee” from True Detective‘s first season. Plus 4,000 points.
-The other purpose the flashbacks ostensibly served was to give Evan Peters some more screen time, which, frankly, was delightful. I love how obsessed he is with his wife, I really love that he has a strangling fetish, I extra love that his big party trick for the laydeez is to clumsily French-kiss a spout of champagne foam, and I really, truly love how doofy Peters is willing to make this guy. “Just a hobo” is this year’s best line of dialogue and I don’t care what you say to make me think otherwise. Kudos, Mr. Peters. Plus 5,000 points.
-That was it. That was all I liked. No points. Just confirming.
Total: 9,000 points / countless sparkly 1920s headdresses
Minuses, or, Huh?!
-I honestly only understood about 10% of what the fuck happened in this episode, so let’s start with this Artist bullshit… whaaat?! So Vaguely Italian Valentino got the vampire virus from Nosferatu or something? Like, what even was that? And then he and Wifey Vamp have just been behind a steel wall for like 80-plus years, just hanging out with really crappy old age makeup on? Honestly, what even just happened?!? Minus 2,000 points.
-I do now realize that the silent-film gimmick was really just an excuse to feature footage of an old-timey orgy. No points either way, but, that happened.
-Plus, with all the fuss about that “spooOOOOoooky!” train Finn Wittrock was riding around on and the silly silent-movie Instagram filter this was filmed with, they couldn’t have one woman flailing around tied to the train tracks? Come on. Minus 300 points.
-I do NOT feel good about this nonsense Finn Wittrock double-casting nonsense. Why does he need to keep being in this season? Why is he pretending to be Italian like Danny Huston did in Freak Show? Is he like, alive again now? What? Minus 1,000 points.
-Also, let’s clear this up: Finn Wittrock is now personally responsible for bringing back American Horror Story: Terrible Accents, the scariest theme of all. Minus 1,000 more points.
-Literally why are we even talking about Detective Do-Good anymore? From what I can tell, he did the following things in this episode, in no particular order: checked himself into a mental hospital, beat up a cop, was the Ten Commandments killer, followed around a creepy teeny-vamp, was the Ten Commandments killer, took some pills, searched for the Ten Commandments killer who has been inside of him all along. Seriously, guys, non-spoiler alert: DETECTIVE WHATHISNAME IS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS KILLER. We actually ALL KNOW THIS. Wrap it the FUCK up, please. Minus 5,000 points.
-So Denis O’Hare’s one true love got hardcore murdered last week and we don’t even see him moping around in the background? No. Minus 500 points.
-Ultimately, I have one huge complaint: this episode was dumb gibberish that had nothing to do with anything that has literally ever happened on this show, and that shouldn’t be happening in EPISODE 7. Minus 2,000 points.
-…What happened to the Drilldo guy being this season’s Big Bad? Where did he even GO?! Minus 300 points.
Total: 12,100 points / 1 extremely frightening accent
Well, here we are, guys – this is the first time this season the minus column has won out. Not great. Not. Great. We’ll be back in December with more frustration, probably. Sigh.