American Horror Story Recap: The Killer Was Inside You All Along

american-horror-story-hotel-508-wes-bentley-evan-peters

WHAT A FUCKING SHOCKER. THIS IS MY SURPRISED FACE. DON’T I LOOK SURPRISED?

Sigh. Let’s get on with it.

Pluses, or, Let’s Scrape The Barrel

-I thought this episode mostly sucked, but let’s all just be grateful that the obvious solution just was the obvious solution and the Ten Commandments Killer didn’t turn out to be Chloe Sevigny wearing a Reagan mask or a minotaur or somebody’s mechanic friend or a raccoon that lives in the Cortez’s dumpster or something, right? Plus 2,000 points for a perfectly feeble attempt at storylining. (That’s not a real verb.)

-Again, let’s find some silver linings – the Detective Do-Good buildup to him being the World’s Most Obvious Murderer™ made as much sense as any Ryan Murphy storyline has ever made, so, good job, I guess? I feel like we’re all kind of cheering for laundry here, but, whatever. Plus 500 points.

-Evan Peters is still flat out RIDICULOUS and delightful and is kind of in an entirely different show — i.e., a way more fun show that I would enjoy watching, but for the millionth time already, I can’t quibble with what I’ve been given. Murphy viewers can’t be choosers. Plus 1,000 points – never change, Evan Peters.

-This would normally go in the minus column, but the way Chloe Sevigny delivered the world’s worst dialogue actually kind of thrilled me — specifically, this line: “You’re a terrible father! If we didn’t have two kids and I didn’t still love you, I would tell you to pack your bags!” The dead-eyed dedication that Sevigny gave to that truly horrendous fart of a line was inspiring, really. Reminds me of why I do this. And by “this,” I don’t mean acting. I mean recapping. Plus 500 points, because, let’s not get carried away.

-When Kathy Bates threw her head into her hands and said “This was EXHAUSTING,” I was like, “GIRL, I FEEL U.” Plus 5,000 points for saying what we’re all thinking.

-I guess I’ll throw a few points in the positive column for that extremely weak reminder that Liz Taylor’s boyfriend got hella Gagamurdered a few episodes ago, so, plus 100 points. Don’t spend it all in one place.

Total: 9,100 points / 3 extremely dedicated actors

Minuses, or, I’M SO BORED

-Okay, I know I said above that the Detective Do-Good Descent Into Madness made a modicum of sense, but that does NOT mean I enjoyed watching this episode in the slightest. For an episode that included an attempt at a Shyamalan-esque twist, it was SO INCREDIBLY BORING. Like, thanks for the sepia tone clip show, guys. I guess this is what happens when you devote an entire episode to the show’s dullest character, which is even more egregious when the show’s dullest character turns out to be A SERIAL KILLER and is still less interesting than a piece of white bread wearing a cotton ball as a hat. Minus 3,000 points.

-What is Sarah Paulson even DOING? She vanishes for entire episodes at a time and then reappears to cry through every single line, while expecting us to believe that she and Detective Murderpants have been playing “hide the needle” for not just the entire season, but for like, several years?! COME ON. Minus 2,000 points. Here’s hoping you have more fun as Marcia Clark, Sarah.

-Also, thanks, Murphy, for dedicating a full hour to a reveal that all but one viewer hadn’t yet figured out. While the rest of us were contemplating 10 Commandments-ing ourselves, that ONE guy in Wichita was like, “OH MY GODDDDD!” We shouldn’t all have to pay because that guy is dumb. Minus 1,000 points.

-Also, can we just talk about how Detective Ginny-Weasley-While-Possessed-By-Tom-Riddle’s entire subplot is just Se7en? This movie got made forever ago and it was way better with Brad Pitt in it. Stop trying to pretend Se7en doesn’t exist, you guys. Minus 5,000 points.

-Maybe I’m just cranky. I don’t know. I guess I’m starting to feel like Murphy (who penned this episode) sacrificed any fun for something that made sense, and it makes me miss Asylum more, where he managed to do both. No points, I guess. I just miss the old days.

Total: 11,000 points / 1 hour of my life gone forever

Okay, so that came out closer than I thought. But still. Give me something WEIRD, Murphy. But no more accents. My poor heart can’t take it. See you next week, because much like everyone on this show, I am a glutton for punishment.

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