American Horror Story Recap: Nice Day For A Spite Wedding

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Uhhhhhhhh… k.

Pluses, or, At Least This Is Kind Of Coming Together

-Again, I feel like we have to be Thanksgiving-level grateful that Murphy introduced a bunch of plotlines a while ago that actually DID turn out to be relevant to a bigger story, so, good job at basic narrative arcs. Plus 1,000 points.

-…Are my standards for Murphy shows so rock bottom that I give away a thousand points for making basic narrative sense?! No points. I don’t want to think about it for too long.

-Hey, Crazy Iris is fun! I’m also glad that the porn couple didn’t stick around for too long, because I had an uneasy feeling that all of a sudden they were going to be like, Important Characters and I was going to have to pretend to give a shit about like, her daddy issues and his coke problem and I was just EXHAUSTED by the entire endeavor, so, I’m glad their disposal was also in service of actual character growth. Plus 2,000 points.

-L.A. is so beyond weird that a modern day, presumably normal-guy contractor takes one look at Ghost Evan Peters, dressed in a full Gatsby garb (complete with a cane), and is like, “oh, I guess you’re the interior decorator.” Plus 800 points.

-Mare Winningham’s character has two areas of expertise: cleaning up blood, and giving out dating advice. Can we get her a spinoff, please? Plus 3,000 points.

-Angela Bassett’s Louboutins. That’s all. Plus 400 points.

-NO DETECTIVE DO-GOOD AT ALL THIS WEEK! Yaaaaassssss. Plus 1,000 points.

Total: 7,200 points / 1 pair of Louboutins

Minuses, or, MEHHHHH

-Even though I’m ultimately relieved that Murphy appears to be tying up loose ends this season rather than letting them flap in the breeze until somebody comes along and stabs them, there is a middle ground between going so overboard and batshit that nothing connects and your show NO LONGER BEING INTERESTING. This was all so dreadfully predictable – like, of course she was going to kill Danny from 30 Rock, and of course she has her Italian stallion stashed in a crummy motel, and of course of COURSE Angela Bassett is now captured because her rickety-ass plan failed. In other news: John Lowe is the Ten Commandments Killer, the sky is blue, Donald Trump is a garbage person, and Jon Stewart is a national treasure. There. There are some facts that have always been and will always be true. Minus 5,000 points.

-Also, Ryan Murphy seems to be TOTALLY convinced that there’s nothing scarier than a fucking accent, in the same way that Voldemort considered death to be the worst thing. Actually, maybe he’s right. Listening to Pokemon Gym Leader Finn Wittrock’s Mario-style Italian accent might actually be a fate worse than death.  Minus 1,000 points.

-We have maybe 3, 4 episodes left, and we needed an extended interlude about Ramona’s sick dad? Minus 3,000 points.

-Also, I’m not ever – EVER – going to care about Tits McGee from True Detective‘s character, and it seems like she and Gaga are going to have some sort of showdown next week, which, snore. Minus 500 points.

-I also have honestly zero faith that this whole zombie-kid thing is going to get resolved in the slightest, but I would be fine if they did a Little Shop of Horrors, “Don’t Feed The Plants” kind of thing where the season just ends with baby vampers roaming the planet and killing everyone. (I mean the musical, not the movie. The movie had a stupid, happy ending.) No points yet, I guess. I’ll be nice.

Total: 8,500 points / 1 ACCENT WHY WHY WHY

You know the drill. Back next week, probably more complaints, blah blah blah. See you then!

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