American Horror Story Finale Recap: Ghost Protocol

american-horror-story-hotel-finale

Uh, so… yeah.

Pluses, or, Denis O’Hare 4Ever

-Props to not-Murphy (who I think went on vacation with Lea Michele and Emma Roberts or something rather than deigning to deal with the finale at all, considering he notably did not write OR direct this episode) for letting AHS‘s real MVP Denis O’Hare take center stage AND narrate the episode. While I thought it was generally kind of underwhelming, letting Liz finish out the series gave it a weird kind of gravity that I actually quite liked. Plus 6,000 points.

-“I’m not familiar with your military friend or his fondness for poultry.” Thank you for being a friend, Evan Peters. Plus 2,000 points.

-Also, I honestly HATE admitting this, but the Ghost Convention was actually pretty hilarious all around. I kept expecting Moaning Myrtle to pop in for a glass of whiskey. Plus 1,000 points.

-SO glad that Detective Do-Good died far enough from the hotel to be a ghost so I never, ever had to see him again!! LOLOL, MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR! Plus 2,000 points.

-I don’t think this episode had NEARLY enough Gaga, but I did love her grand entrance, and her little capper at the end was, honestly, perfect, even if “you’ve got a jawline for days” is, all things considered, a pretty bullshit pickup line. (I’m going to start telling guys they have “eyebrows for months” and see how far that gets me.) Plus 3,000 points, all things considered.

-I’ll talk about this more, but to be honest, I don’t think this season was a complete and utter failure, so, I guess like, plus 2,000 points for that.

-Also, plus 1,000 points, really quickly, for Denis O’Hare’s character FINALLY getting a happy ending, or at least not a horrifyingly gruesome one.

Total: 12,000 points / all the Denis O’Hare I can handle

Minuses, or, Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

-I know that last week was pretty much the season wrap-up, but this was so fucking underwhelming. I mean, it was all just so Happy Shiny People, and isn’t the point of AHS to be about Scary Unshiny Monsters? No points. I’ll start out nice.

-Again. Ghost rules. WHAT ARE THEY. I don’t recognize half of these people, and there are still a bunch of people missing. I know they threw some lip service at Darren Criss and his annoying vegan girlfriend (who obviously just didn’t have time to come back for a second shoot), but like, what about the porn star, or Schmitty from New Girl (wait, yeah, where has HE been?!) or Naomi fucking Campbell, who we even know is wandering around? Rule for people doing any sort of supernatural shows: if none of your characters can actually die, make sure you book the actors for more than one episode. Minus 3,000 points.

-Stop trying to make Tristan and Liz Taylor happen. It’s not going to happen. Minus 1,000 points and minus 500 more points for bringing Pokemon Gym Leader Finn Wittrock and his scowly dumb face back at all.

-Similarly, I will never in my life believe that all of a sudden, Sally — I’m sorry, “SallyThatGurl754,” which is a spambot Insta-handle if I’ve ever seen one — is like an Internet megastar and she stops going all stabby-stabby with her needles and like… story solved?! WHAT?!??! What fucking fever dream did this plotline come from??!? Minus 2,000 points.

-ALSO. NO. YOU CANNOT HAVE SARAH PAULSON SIMULTANEOUSLY PLAYING TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS IN ONE EPISODE. Sorry. No. If we have too many more seasons of AHS, it’s just going to be seven Sarah Paulsons in a room all having hysterical crying fits — so  Orphan Black, but bad. Minus 5,000 points.

-I’m not trying to pick on Sarah Paulson, I swear (I’m actually really looking forward to her Marcia Clark on American Crime Story), but is there anything less cinematically interesting than watching her talk to a wall? Minus 500 points.

Total: 12,000 points / 2 Sarah Paulsons

I think it’s fitting that my point totals ended up completely even here — this season wasn’t nearly as bad as fucking Freak Show but not as good as Murder House or Asylum — but I think the problem is just this ending. Since CovenAHS has had a real tough time ending their shows, but these past two seasons’ respective fizzles have actually forced me to reconsider Coven‘s ending, which now actually seems like it was fitting, in that they found the Supreme and solved the mystery. I just miss the good old days, I guess. Remember when Asylum ended with an alien abduction and a head shot?! I mean, come on. Game. Let’s step it up.

That being said, I’m fine with this season, in the end. There were some serious low points and we did lose Jessica Lange, but when it’s all said and done, I actually think Gaga did a fine job filling in and I am hoping to see her return next season so we can watch her try something different, and the supporting cast is still chugging along, even when they’re not given very much to work with.

Season 6’s theme hasn’t been announced yet — I’m still holding out for Terrible Accents, my actual nightmare — but you know I’ll be back to bitch about it come October. Til then, monsters.

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