I TOLD YOU SO!
Pluses, or, Melisandre Did Not Throw Away Her Shot
-Let’s start there, right?! I subtracted a bunch of points last time for Jon Snow not being alive, but Jon Snow is… um… alive in some weird, negligible, potentially zombie-sense. Melisandre’s spell worked, so, I guess there’s that. The reveal was VERY fun, even though we all knew that the climax of the episode probably wasn’t just going to be a close-up on a dead body. Anyway, while I’m happy to see Bastard Son Of Ned Stark Who Knows Nothing breathing once again, the jury is still out on LITERALLY EVERYTHING, because the episode cleared up, well, nothing. I still spiked a pillow into the air out of sheer excitement, so, plus 5,000 points.
-Tyrion playing “hey, kitty kitty” with dragons was great, as was his request to Varys to punch him in the face if he ever suggests it again. Plus 2,000 points for that, and plus another 2,000 points for imagining how stupid Peter Dinklage probably felt while acting against a tennis ball on a golf club or whatever (keep in mind that Dobby was a ping pong ball on a stick).
–No points yet, but Tyrion is so obviously a Targaryen that not confirming it almost feels stupid. I mean, the dragons didn’t immediately murder him. He might as well dye his hair blonde and start prancing around in drapey dresses and braids.
-Also, that OPENING! Look, if Bran has been this boring for this long but can show us pre-show goodies, it’s all been worth it. The name Lyanna Stark fills me with weird nerd-glee, and I surriously cannot wait until next week because did that trailer look like some Tower of Joy shit or what?! Also, baby Hodor?? WHAAAT?! Plus 5,000 points.
-Even though Tormund’s wig is still inexpressibly silly, I sure was happy to see him. And I was even happier that he brought a Deus Ex Giant. Plus 2,000 points.
–Plus 3,000 points for eunuch jokes, always.
-Cersei has full on become Robin Wright from House of Cards, but I hate House of Cards, so, wash. Also, her wig is awful, but it matches Tommen’s hair color now, so there’s finally some consistency there.
-Also, since we’re making comparisons, the High Sparrow is very clearly a violent version of Bernie, and his ardent followers are Berniebros if they carried maces instead of just making my Facebook newsfeed really annoying. Also a wash.
-Kit Harington on that table, tho. More like Kit RIPPEDINGTON, ammiright?! (I’m not. That was terrible.) No points. Just needed to say it.
Total: 19,000 points / 1 living Jon Snow
Minuses, or, Just About Everything Else
-Guys, this was a really boring episode overall, and while I get that maybe the second episode should make up some ground and lay tracks and whatever, I’m a garbage person who expects instant gratification and nonstop action from her fantasy TV shows and this is my recap, so minus 1,000 points.
-Who the fuck exactly was Meera casually chatting with outside of the Bran Cave? Was that an extra from the cantina scene in Star Wars? Do you think she can get to the bottom of that Greedo business? Minus 1,000 more points for bad prosthetic choices.
-I feel like not immediately killing Alliser Throne is a really, really dumb move. Like, remember in Austin Powers (I know, incredibly timely reference over here) when Dr. Evil kept imprisoning people in super-easy to escape dungeons and they always got away? I feel like that’s what’s going to happen here, and hopefully, it will also involve sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. Minus 5,000 points.
-Guys. Tommen is so dead. I’m dreading this. Minus 2,000 points.
-I’m weirdly sorry to see Roose Bolton go. I know he’s very responsible for the Red Wedding, but he was nothing if not pragmatic. Wash.
-No no that’s fine definitely include a scene in your second episode where a new mother and her baby are eaten alive by dogs on the orders of a now fully unbelievable psychopath that’s totally fine I’m fine WHATEVER MINUS 7,000 POINTS BECAUSE COME ON
-Also, fuck Kit Harington and extra fuck Entertainment Weekly, because it turns out they were sitting on this spoiler for months and you just KNOW all those jerks were sitting in a midtown Manhattan office giggling about this. Minus 2,000 points out of sheer spite.
Total: 15,000 points / countless EW staffers that I now hate
A lot of this was a wash, because like, nothing happened in this episode except for the two big things that did, so. Tower of Joy next week?! Please say yes! I was right about Melisandre the Hellraiser, so please let me be right about R+L=J. See you then, people who I guess read this!