GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT HOLY SHIT
Pluses, or, All Of It
-No, seriously. This episode was flat out incredible. Action packed, only a few minutes of Ramsay, ladies doin’ it for themselves. No points yet because this is about to be a total fucking free-for-all.
-So if you spend time on the Internet and like Game of Thrones, you’ve probably seen this very depressing meme about how the Stark family is totally destroyed and none of them will ever, ever, ever get back together, much like TSwift and Jake Gyllenhaal. WRONG! SO WRONG! If you didn’t cry when Jon and Sansa reunited for the first time since season 1 when they left Winterfell as innocent little piglets — back when Sansa was desperate to marry a crazy incest-baby and Jon was a wide-eyed optimist about guarding a giant wall against zombies with a bunch of hardened criminals — then you’re probably dead, and I feel terrible for you. Plus 20,000 points.
-Also, Sansa admitting that she was a total fart last time they saw each other was equal parts endearing and hilarious. Plus 800 points.
-I’m not done talking about how great Sansa is, guys. So when Jon got that terrifying murder-letter from Ramsay that was all like “I’m gonna murder and rape everything including everyone in your family PS I’m gonna scoop your eyes out with a melon baller just because KK XOXO LOVE YOU” he completely pussies out on actually reading it, because, well, Jon knows nothing. Sansa taking charge and reading it out loud and then full out declaring war gave me life. It gave me life so much. Yaaaaaas, Queen of the North. Plus 5,000 points.
-I’m definitely shipping Brienne and Tormund and if you’re not, you’re garbage. Plus 8,000 points.
-When Littlefinger showed up at the Vale and started talking about Bolton forces I really thought he said “sat upon by Bolton forces,” not “set upon,” and I was like “wow, the sexposition on this show is honestly going a little far at this point.” No points, I just have trouble understanding accents sometimes, and more than that, I have a filthy fucking mind.
-Guys, Battle of the Bastards is soooo the new Blackwater. Plus 1,000 points in advance.
-This plot against the High Sparrow is kind of almost making me like Cersei, and it’s really making me love the Queen of Thorns (as if I didn’t already) because let’s not forget she’s the OG Kingslayer and she’s gonna bust someone’s head open before this thing is done. Probably not even physically, but just by glaring at them or something. Plus 1,000 points because, well, it probably won’t work out.
-So, my opinion on this might not be popular, but… Tyrion’s totally right. Overthrowing slavers is awesome, but things do need some time to settle in, and full out warfare between the Sons of the Harpy and Dany’s loyal band of stragglers is just not the ideal outcome here. Also, Tyrion as a leader is peak Tyrion. Plus 3,000 points.
-This episode wrapped up a whole bunch of stupid pre-annoying plotlines, and last but not least, Dany is out of Dosh Khaleen and has a brand new army. How? Well, it involved a few pretty excellent things: Daario playing “hide the knife,” Dany making new friends, the sassiest khalasar ever, and arson. Look, we all learned back in season 1 that fire can’t kill a dragon, but could this scene have possibly been any more boss?! When the khalasar’s Improv 101 class asked her to join them at their meeting, nobody assumed it would go that well, but instead of getting gang-banged or hanging out with a bunch of smelly old widows for all eternity, she’s all like, “You are small men. None of you are fit to lead the Dothraki. But I am. So I will,” and then BURNS THE ENTIRE PIECE TO THE GROUND, Inglourious Basterds style, and emerges from the flames like a badass, hot naked phoenix and everyone is like “yas queen yas whatever the fuck you want.” (Why wasn’t this episode titled Yas Queen?) Plus 20,000 points.
Total: 58,000 points / just all of the best things ever
-Could Yara and Theon’s scene have been more useless? Action is happening, guys. Get with it. Minus 700 points.
-You know what class I’m glad I didn’t sign up for in college? Mansplaining 101 with the High Sparrow. Minus 1,000 points.
-I guess I kind of get why she had to die, but you know what totally fucking sucked? Watching Ramsay stab Tonks. I already saw Tonks die once in Harry Potter, guys. I didn’t need a replay. Minus 2,000 points.
Total: 3,700 points / 1 dead Tonks
I really don’t have any major complaints – this episode was actually so great. Am I worried that next week won’t measure up? Sure! But I’ll have to deal and I can just come back and rewatch this one in the meantime. Til then, weirdos.