Honestly, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I just don’t. I wish I could quit you, Game of Thrones.
Pluses, or, A Diva Is A Female Version Of A Hustler
-Sansa. GURL. Remember when Cersei said “when you play the game of thrones you either win or you die?” Sansa is in this to win the fuck out of it, and I’m like a proud mama. I really hated watching Sansa get raped and abused and bruised last season, so I especially loved watching her go, “hey, Littlefinger, FUCK YOU THOUGH, I’ll have your head and probs balls for this.” I also am totally behind her lie about how she got her Ramsay info, because she wants to be seen as her own woman, and I respect that. Ladies, doing it for themselves. Plus 5,000 points.
-Speaking of boss bitches, Brienne playing all hard-to-get with Tormund is everything to me. Plus 2,000 points.
-And SPEAKING FURTHER about boss bitches, yes, Yara lost the Kingsmoot because her dick uncle showed up and made fun of poor Dickless Theon so badly that everyone just backed him out of sheer confusion. Right after she lost it, though, she was like, “I’m gonna Stotesbury Regatta this shit” and raced to Daenerys before Euron could even finish coughing up seawater. Yas, bitch. Plus 4,000 points.
-Speaking about even MORE boss bitches, Dany is pretty salty with Jonah until she realizes he has Game of Thrones Cancer, and then she’s all, “go cure that and then get back to me with your undying loyalty,” which is stupid and probably not possible, but what an order. Plus 500 points.
-WAIT I’M NOT DONE WITH BOSS BITCHES. Meera is this recap’s MVP for murdering every ice zombie in sight/actually saving the day, and poor little Leaf, the coolest of the Children of the Forest, uses her Exploding Remembrall to take down a billion creepy crawlies, and it’s just all badass. Plus 3,000 points.
Total: 14,500 points / too many boss bitches to count
Special No Points Section Because Sadness
-Okay. So. I’m still a little fuzzy on this whole Hodor origin story because a) I’m usually a little tipsy when I watch this show and 2) I know from True Detective that time is a flat circle but I’m not going to pretend I fully and completely understand what that means, because I feel like everything Matthew McConaughey said on that show is supposed to be a delightful Southern enigma. ANYWAY. From what I understand, Bran’s poking around in the past inadvertently led to Hodor being Hodored, and DIRECTLY led to Hodor being clawed apart by vicious ice zombies oh god oh my god why why why why why because “Hodor” means “hold the door” and oh god I’ll never look at an elevator door the same way again when someone says that. Let’s all blame Bran for this, and also, fuck you, show. Thanks for killing the ONLY truly good character in the whole series – you know, the one piece of goodness in this trash pile. Goodnight, sweet DJ Hodor. I’ll miss you Hodoring the Hodor when the Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor goddammit I’m not crying, you’re definitely crying.
Minuses, or, Not The Dog, Why Does Every Show Do This To Me
-Every piece of media I consume should come with a warning that just says “WARNING: DOG DIES” and I won’t watch it. I would have fully skipped this episode if I’d known that Summer would meet a horrifying, extraordinarily violent end, complete with sad dog yelping. Stay strong, Nymeria and Ghost. Minus 5,000 points.
-I’m not super clear on why we needed a five minute long recap farce, why we needed to see dick warts, or why we needed a new, extremely vague Arya revenge plot. Will I enjoy watching her supermurder someone? Sure. Am I feeling excited about it right now? Hard no! Minus 2,000 points
Total: 7,000 points / 1 less direwolf
This episode was pretty fucking emotional and extremely solid overall, but frankly, I’m just salty about another dead direwolf. (THAT IS SOMETHING I DON’T HANDLE WELL.) In any case, this season is kind of slaying it, and I’m looking forward to next week with deep trepidation because I feel like my emotions have been severely toyed with. Til then, Children of the Forest.