Game of Thrones: Back in Black


As a rule, Game of Thrones is a show that shamelessly toys with my emotions. It gave me Podrick, Daario’s beautiful buttcheeks, Olenna Tyrell’s zingers, and Tyrion, and it also gave me the Red Wedding, the Hodor thing (#toosoon), and Ramsay Bolton. This week, it gave me a lot of delightful things, so let’s talk about them, shall we?

Pluses, or, If You Couldn’t Give Me One Stark Mystery Thanks For This At Least

-Guys! GUYS! It’s FrankenBenjen! Benjen Stark, the erstwhile brother of Ned who we haven’t set eyes on since Season 1, has long been a bone of contention and source of arguments among fans, to the point where “Benjen just showed up!!!!” was the lie that literally led to Jon getting stabbed. SO BENJEN IS BACK and he’s kind of a weird Northern Frankensomething but ultimately he’s helping Bran so FUCK YEAH! #RESOLVED! Plus 10,000 points.

-Also, Bran’s vision. Let’s talk about that for one second. For once, Buzzfeed did something un-stupid and actually figured out what all of his visions were, and there was some stuff we’ve never seen in there – while most of it was past show moments, it also featured Mad King Aerys, Jaime chilling on the Iron Throne like he’s testing out a La-Z-Boy recliner, and most importantly, Young Ned Stark’s cuff covered in blood that’s probably from a baby which is probably Jon Snow. We’re inching closer to that R+L=J reveal, people. I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. Plus 8,000 points.

-Of COURSE Arya went back for Needle, because the second she didn’t toss her sword baby in the sea, we all knew she was gonna get Faceless Fired. That unfortunately seems to mean that Sarah Plain and Tall over there is going to try and kill her, but our girl Arya has survived much worse. Plus 2,000 points.

-Sam Tarly, when he and Gilly get to his family’s fucking countryside Jane Austen-level manse, is all, “I’m a trust fund, baby, you can trust me.” Plus only 500 points because I just really wanted to make a Hamilton reference. Sorry not sorry.

-Also, Sammy’s brother is briefly played by the bachelor from UnREAL (which, PSA, is the BEST show nobody is watching and season 2 is coming on soon and just like Shiri Appleby & Constance Zimmer are killing it and it’s from the Buffy creator and ok bye), who also played Cormac Laggen, eventual date rapist, in the Harry Potter movies. Plus 700 points for giving me the chance to shout, “hey, I know that gorgeous face!”

-But really, Sam and Gilly, for once, deserve so many points, and I’m going to GIVE it to them. Plus 1,000 points for Gilly’s She’s All That moment. Plus 2,000 points for Gilly sticking it to Randyll Tarly, who is clearly human garbage. Plus 10,000 points for Sam making off with one of the remaining Valryian steel swords in the world. While we’re here, plus 1,000 points each to Sam’s mom and sister, who are beautiful, perfect gems, and no points for Randyll Tarly just being an unfunny version of Drunk Uncle.

-Also, the first time I ever felt strong “YAS” feelings about Sam and Gilly, period, is when he stormed back into that room for her. Right in the feels. Plus 1,000 points.

No points for sneaky little Marge Tyrell just yet, because I can’t figure out what she’s up to yet. Sure, it seems like she’s been seduced into a religious life by the confused dad from Pirates of the Caribbean, but Anne Boleyn Margaery is a lot sneakier than literally anyone gives her credit for. I think she’s just masterminding, but obviously, that remains to be seen.

-HOLY FUCKING FARTS, GUYS, DANY. What. I. Yes. We only got a teeny bit of Dany this week, and at first, the scene seems so simple – there she is, riding around with her brand new khalasar and her piece of ass Daario by her side, who’s making idle comments about how Dany is basically too badass to sit on a throne for the rest of her life. Then Dany is basically like “k brb,” rides around the corner, reappears RIDING AN ENORMOUS FUCKING DRAGON, and gives such a good pep talk to her army that Coach Taylor is probably weeping over it somewhere. WHAT?! COME ON. SO GOOD. Plus 20,000 points.

Total: 57,200 points / so many feels

Minuses, or, There Aren’t Many, Again

-Tommen. Honey. You’re so going to die soon, and in the meantime, you’re keeping me from watching your hot uncle-father slaughter a bunch of barefoot losers. Minus 5,000 points.

No points, but – I know I’ve compared the High Sparrow to Bernie before, but now I also want to compare him a little to David Miscavige, the High Xenu Whatever Poobah of Scientology, because I want to start calling the king “Tommen Cruise.” You’re welcome.

Total: 5,000 points / so many made up religions

Once again, totally blown away by this episode. Nice streak, Benioff & Weiss. I know you’ll disappoint me soon, because I have trust issues, but, so far… season 6 has been Danying it. See you next week, half breed bastards.

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