Game of Thrones Recap: Say My Name

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Sorry there was no recap last week – blame it on the Beyoncé hangover – and bear in mind that this recap is brought to you by an insane cocktail of over-the-counter cold medications! Luckily for everyone, this week is yet another windup to next week’s Battle of the Bastards, but even so, let’s get to it.

Pluses, or, Arya 4Ever

-This season has been kind of all about “grrl power” thus far, but that aside, I was really sick of watching Arya get her ass kicked from one corner of Braavos to the next every single week. So it was extremely, extraordinarily, stupidly satisfying to see Arya best Sarah Plain & Tall (somehow – we don’t see the final blows) and be like, “Say my name, say my name, when no one is around you, say baby, I love you, why you playing games” and roll out of the House of Black and White Worst Halloween Store Ever like a goddamned boss. Thanks for that, Many Faced Gods (and yes, I am referring to Benioff and Weiss). Plus 10,000 points.

-Also, that whole final sequence was SO well choreographed and SO well shot. Arya doing a bunch of Tom Cruise jumps is great. More of that, please? Plus 1,500 points.

-The second Brienne saw Jaime’s face she was all, “Tormund who?” Plus 2,000 points.

-Is… is it weird that when Jaime was making the world’s worst threats to Edmure about infanticide and stuff because he just wants to win back Cersei and needs to take Riverrun to do it, I found it… well… sort of romantic?! Has this show RUINED me??!? No points. I’m dead inside.

-I admittedly found it funny how shocked the Sparrows seemed when Cersei “chose violence.” Uh, guys. Have you ever met her? Lancel, you’ve been in her. Surely she tried to choke you out during sex once or twice. Plus 700 points.

-GAHHH that joke scene with Tyrion and Missandei and Grey Worm was so great!! It was the best. I loved it so much. Those two characters have spent literally their entire time on the series frowning seriously and lamenting their pasts, so watching them get giggly and drunk — and watching a drunker Tyrion egg them on, further reinforcing my dream that Peter Dinklage is the best person ever to get drunk with — was all of my dreams come true. Plus 3,000 points.

-Also, hey, hi, Dany! Way to storm back into your throne room unannounced and scare the crap out of your cabinet, stopping just short of saying, “Guys, my city looks like shit. What did you do?!” Plus 2,000 points.

-I like the Hound best when he’s on revenge missions. Plus 500 points.

-Oh, and speaking of funny conversations, Bronn ball-tapping Podric was everything I needed from this week’s episode. Nothing else at ALL could have happened and I still would have been like, “man, what a solid episode that was.” No points. I’m weird.

Total: 17,700 points / all the jokes

Minuses, or, Ugh, The Brotherhood Is Back

-This is just a personal thing for me, but I never totally understood the Brotherhood’s whole deal, and I certainly don’t see the point in bringing them back now if we’re not going to see Lady Stoneheart, which is their whole book purpose. (If you haven’t read the books and haven’t stumbled across anything about Lady S on the interwebs, kudos, because that’s impressive, but I’m not going to explain it here. Google it if you feel so inclined.) Minus 1,000 points.

-Uh, bye, Blackfish. Sorry this episode didn’t even give you enough time to die onscreen. I guess there’s a possibility you escaped, but if you didn’t, what an unfitting end. Minus 500 points.

-Okay, as psyched as I was about Arya’s Big Day, she still has an enormous stomach wound, and it is still bleeding everywhere. Like, how did that get fixed? Are we even going to talk about this? Khal Drogo died from a FACE SCRATCH. I think this should be addressed. Minus 5,000 points.

-I’ll miss trial by combat, because I thrive on drama. No points yet, because I feel like Cersei isn’t going to let her trump card — I’m sorry, giant fucking Frankensoldier — go to waste.

-Aw, I hated watching Lady Crane die. I get that she had to. I still hated it. Minus 500 points.

Total: 7,000 points / 1 gaping stomach wound

Well, next week is episode 9 already, so buckle up, people. Stuff will get flayed (thanks, Ramsay), everyone will look really cold, and hopefully, Starks will reign supreme. See you next week for more complaining!

 

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