Jane The Virgin Recap: Mateo Dentata

compassion-corner-jane-the-virgin-season-3-episode-2

For this week’s recap of “Chapter Forty-Six” of Jane The Virgin, I’ll be using the tried and true (P)CI point system! Math is definitely not my forte, but I am embracing it for the sake of dissecting this biting, tantrum-filled, and (of course) emotional hour with the Villanueva clan. Friends, get out your abacuses, I know I’m going to need mine.

Pluses, or, Compassion Corners For Everyone

-I was very worried that this show would not go “there” and allow Xiomara exercise her right to choose. I should have known better than to fear because The CW’s lineup has taken on an awesome feminist bent. You can’t have shows like JaneCrazy Ex Girlfriend, and Supergirl and be squeamish about the pro-choice discussion. While I don’t feel great about Alba’s reaction when Xo finally tells her (we’ll get there), I admire that the show channeled Scandal when it came to portraying Xo’s reaction. She wasn’t wracked with regret or sobbing uncontrollably. She did not make the decision lightly, but she did make it with complete confidence that it was the right choice for her. Plus 20,000 points for progress.

-I cannot get enough of the amazing hashtags. Last week, I LLOL’d (Literally Laughed Out Loud) at #UrineTrouble and #EsteBunintheoven. Just when I thought the writers couldn’t stimulate my pun pleasure center more, they serve up #Anazketized to describe Petra’s current catatonic state. Plus 3,000 points.

-Loved Jane destroying that bitchy mom on the playground for profiling Mateo and accusing him of biting her kid. Plus 2,000 points even though Jane was wrong and Mateo was totally on a biting/temper tantrum spree this week.

-In other puntastic news, thank you Michael for assuring us that your rapier wit was not injured when you got shot. He correctly called Rogelio’s commercial warning against the dangers of illegal urine swapping a “PPSA”. Plus 1,500 points.

-Who else melted when Jane walked into her bedroom to find Michael had arranged a Puetro Rican honeymoon set up complete with margaritas and a themed playlist? Who else reconstituted themselves and melted AGAIN when Michael let Jane research schools for Mateo instead of participating the night of romance he planned for them? Is he perfect or what?! The love, respect, passion, and honesty Jane and Michael share is something for all of us to aspire to. Plus 10,000 points.

Total: 36,500 points/ 1 year’s tuition for Mateo’s new “hippie dippy” school

Minuses, or, Too Much Cherry Wallpaper Makes The Baby Go Blind

-I don’t want to belabor the point too much, but DAMN that might have been the most hideous piece of decor in the history of civilization. I half expected What Not To Wear‘s Clinton and Stacy to pop out and drag the Villanueva house in front of their famous 360 mirrors because that would be the only way to heap the adequate amount of shame on such a fugly pattern decision. Minus 20,000 points.

-This whole Scott being the key to the secrets of the Marbella staff thing is weak. It’s a cheap loophole that covers up Anezka’s total ineptitude at getting dirt on Rafael. I also think Magda brought up a good point about the fact that real Petra loathed Scott. I feel like it would raise some suspicion that they’re now banging. Anezka gives evil twins everywhere a bad name. Minus 2,400 points.

-I may have always been #TeamMichael, but that has never compromised the tremendous love/lust I’ve had for Rafael. I feel like so far this season they have NO idea what to do with him. Methinks he protested too much when it came to stating that he was “over” Jane. It’s true that nothing will get you to move on faster than witnessing the woman you love marry someone else, but you don’t have to be a dick about it, man. Minus 100 points, 1 for each of Justin Baldoni’s abs.

-Alba came around, but she was completely rude to Xo about the abortion. I can understand that it may have been hard for her to deal with because of the world she was brought up in. But when you make repeated references to your grown ass daughter burning in hell for making a decision that was hers and hers alone, you lose me 100%. Minus 7000 points.

-Boo for Esteban getting the Hawaii Five-O gig over Rogelio! Esteban ain’t nothing but an extremely fertile hack. Minus 50 points.

Total: 29,550 points/ 2 rabbits

And that was another lovely episode of Jane The Virgin! We learned in the closing minutes that while Michael is still not yet ready to resume police duty, he has recovered enough to resume/begin sexual activity with Jane. From the way Jane and Michael ran out of the doctor’s office after receiving that news, it looks like we’re indeed about to witness Jane’s virginity fall away. Are you ready? We’ll find out together next week!

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