Jane the Virgin Recap: [title of show]

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Is it possible for a story to truly begin at “Chapter Forty-Seven”? Ask Jane. Oh wait! You can’t. She’s too busy getting it on with Michael…! Whaaaat the whaaaa?! I’m still a little in shock, so bear with me as I stumble along through this recap.

Pluses, or, Making It Through The Wilderness

-The title of this recap is not a placeholder that I forgot to change after thinking of a real title. It’s just me being genuinely confused about what to call this show now that Jane has finally DONE THE DEED. So, if hell freezes over and Trump wins the presidency, we’ll have our other two signs of the impending apocalypse. Anywho…wow! Like Jane, I feel like I will never be the same. Of course, I was immediately comforted by another one of the show’s honest portrayals of an extremely personal moment in life. Jane’s virginity was never a prize to be won by a man or just a dried up flower hanging on her wall. She experienced growing pains losing that part of herself. She faked an orgasm. She had a legitimate burning bush moment. She took all of that out on Gloria and Emilio Estefan. But we love Jane anyway, right? Because they’re perfect, we also all knew Jane and Michael would eventually get their groove back. However, as usual, the journey was worth it. Plus 69,000 points, yup.

-Judy Reyes! Now that Lifetime’s Devious Maids has met its untimely demise, I’m going to need her to be a regular on this show. Thanks, CW! Plus 2,300 points.

-This week in funny hashtags: #docblocked, #Estefavor, #Estemajor. Plus 1,500 points.

-Good on The CW poking some meta fun at itself. Those fake executives couldn’t pretend that Rogelio’s time travel telenovela was beneath them when they’ve got DC ‘s Legends of Tomorrow stinking up the schedule every week. Still, it was all merely cute compared to the meta magic of AHS: Roanoke, but I could be proven wrong about that if this self referential dogma led to some sort of crossover with Crazy Ex GirlfriendPlus 10,000 points for potential.

-Three cheers to the stunning beauty of Bridget Regan. She may have killed a literal laundry list of people, but her real crime was ever hiding her face from the world. Plus 3,333 points.

-It is pure comedy gold every time Gina Rodriguez plays various characters in a single episode. Bitchy Cecilia’s hair, costumes, and sass were pitch perfect. If all the voices in Jane’s head weren’t so hilarious, one might think she had a problem. Plus 1, 960 points

Total: 88,093 points/The price of a front row ticket to On Your Feet!

Minuses, or, (Rob) Low(e)s in the Mid 2010s

-I TOTALLY called that Jane and Michael were going to accidentally record a sex tape and send it to Jane’s thesis adviser. Everyone’s reactions to the mishap were hilarious, but I don’t know if we needed Jane to look like even more of a nitwit at school. Minus 900 points.

-This week in weak hashtags: #feeltheburn. Sorry, Bernie. Too soon. Minus 500 points.

-We love you, Diane Guerrero, but Lina crossed a line this week. Jane gave an inch when initially discussing her troubles in the boudoir, but Lina took a mile later asking Michael for a “play-by-play” of his sexy times with his wife/her best friend. Someone needs a boundaries chat stat. Minus 4,000 points.

-Showing grilled cheese porn like that is NOT COOL when people are watching it in a place without bread or cheese. Minus 300 points.

– Fuck those executives for only offering to make Rogelio’s show if it was recast with a white male lead.  Rob Lowe is great and all, but it is gross to see just how racist and greedy Hollywood is. This struggle is obviously not real when it comes to the fictional Rogelio, but it’s probably all too real for Jaime Camil and other people of color. Wake up and smell the gold they’re melting and turning into Emmys, people! Jane The VirginEmpire, Fresh Off the Boat, Black-ish, Power, Master of None, Insecure, Atlanta, Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, Queen Sugar, Luke Cage are all critical successes and/or fan favorites. And there’s so much more where they came from. Do the right thing, TV people. Make shows that accurately represent the colorful world we live in. Minus 20,000 points.

Total: 25,700/1 crumpled flower in a frame

Sorry about hopping on my soapbox a little there at the end, but, there were so few negatives in this episode, I was left to ponder the injustice of the straight white male hegemony of the entertainment industry. But I think that, every second we spend talking about an incredible and incredibly diverse show like Jane the Virgin, we are getting closer to toppling that bullshit racist patriarchy.

Until next week, lovers of liberty!

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