Things I Learned Watching My First Episode of ‘The Bachelor’

CORRINE, RAVEN, SARAH, LAUREN, LACEY, SUSANNAH, ANGELA, DOMINIQUE, ALEXIS, ELIZABETH W., KRISTINA, OLIVIA, BRIANA, NICK VIALL, DANIELLE M., WHITNEY, JASMINE, JAIMI, IDA MARIE, VANESSA, TAYLOR, HAILEY, RACHEL, BRITTANY, ASTRID, CHRISTEN, JOSEPHINE, ELIZABE

I LOVE trash television. I am the live action Grinch of trash television. I devour it. I hoard it. I construct my own beautiful, twisted world with it and inside it. Reality shows of all shapes, sizes, genres, and networks give me life. Whether that happens via schadenfreude or envy, I’m not entirely sure. **SPOILER ALERT for season 21 of The Bachelor**

Somehow, though, I’ve managed to miss all 58 billion seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette mega franchise. I’m very familiar with the format and tropes thanks to VH1’s wildly entertaining early 2000’s foray into the genre (Flavor of LoveI Love New YorkRock of Love, Daisy of LoveReal Chance of LoveFor the Love of Ray J, etc. of love) and the stereotype pride parade that was Logo’s unfortunate Finding Prince Charming.

But last night, I tuned in for the real deal, the patient zero of this chardonnay and syphilis soaked epidemic that has been infecting America through its television screens for the last 15 years. Here are some of my thoughts, reactions, predictions, and—yes—some of the lessons I learned from my mini binge of last week’s two-part season premiere and this week’s newest episode.

 

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  • Nick Viall, this season’s Bachelor, is REALLY HOT. Behold Exhibits A through 8-pack. Beneath all that rippling, hairless muscle lies a personality broken heart. This is his FOURTH time competing for “love” on ABC after being jilted by two Bachelorettes and slutting it up on Bachelor in Paradise. I’d probably feel bad for him if he didn’t unceremoniously eliminate the girl who came on the show to reconnect with him after they banged up a year ago just because she spilled the beans about their drunken tryst to another contestant. She had crazy eyes and an atrocious upper back tattoo, but she didn’t deserve that, Nick.

 

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  • Meet Corinne. Corinne is a star. Four hours into the show, Corinne has positioned herself as the front runner in America’s hearts and Nick’s penis. Her highlights include: getting the first kiss from Nick, going topless during a group date photo shoot, lecturing the girls about the inevitability of having their private time with Nick interrupted just moments after losing her shit when a girl interrupted her private time with Nick, and maintaining a .16 BAC at all times. She also claims to run a “multi-million dollar” business, and she has a nanny named Raquel. Yup… Obviously, she’s playing the long game. And whether she wins a proposal from Nick or a role on a future iteration of the show, we are for sure in store for more excellent television.

 

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  • It’s difficult to know the difference between a dolphin costume and a shark costume…especially if you’re an “aspiring dolphin trainer”. This is Alexis, and she LOVES dolphins. Also, she knows how to make a lasting first impression since she introduced herself to Nick in this getup. Unfortunately, she’s clearly wearing a shark costume, the exact same shark costume made famous by Missy Elliot’s Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance a few years back. I suppose it’s easy to be confused by a blue dorsal fin, but check those gills, girl and remember that dolphins are mammals…who breathe air…like all other mammals…not water. At least she wasn’t wearing a red dress like literally 11 of the other girls were that night.

 

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  • The Museum of Broken Relationships is a thing. It was also the setting for the second group date of the episode. Among its many varied and vapid artifacts are the dead rose and engagement ring Nick proposed to one of his Bachelorettes with. Again I ask, who cares? How sad about his checkered past can Nick really be when the rest of the date consisted of each girl simulating a messy breakup scenario with him? This establishment and this segment of this show actually give love (and curators) a bad name.

 

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  • This show is TOO fucking long. Two hours. Every week. For how many weeks? HOW do they sustain an audience? How do they find two hours of compelling footage to air? Are there even any editors on staff? Clearly, these are questions that only people much smarter than me could possibly answer. More than the length, I have an issue with the fact that at the end of the two hours…there’s nothing. No pay off. No rose ceremony. No genuine cliffhanger. Just a trailer for next week’s 120-minute juggernaut that I was too frustrated to enjoy. I doubt that there’s anything I can do or say to change this since die-hard fans of the show seem to be all about it. But I hate it. I really do.

 

In conclusion…As much as I try to tell myself that I won’t be tuning in next week, clearly my interest is piqued to the tune of like 800 words. Come back next week to see if I take my burgeoning obsession all the way and start, god forbid, writing weekly recaps. *shudders while clearing my schedule for the next 20 Mondays*

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