Apologies for the late recap!

Wow woof oh my god okay okay okay ALL RIGHT OKAAAAAAAY

Pluses, or, ALL OF IT, YES

-Oh boy oh man oh boy oh man oh BOY. Okay. This episode was a doozy and a half, and it was also UNDER AN HOUR. Remember how last week I was like “waaaaah show don’t tell waaaaah this isn’t going anywhere mehhhhh?” I TAKE IT ALL BACK. FORGIVE ME, NEW GODS AND OLD. Plus 20,000 points.

-Okay, Bran is clearly playing the long game, but I’m just not sure yet what it is. So Creepy Uncle Littlefinger gives him his own murder dagger, which is technically the item that spurred the War of the Five Kings (currently the War of the Very Pissed Off Women) by Littlefinger telling Catelyn it was sent by Tyrion to do some Bran-killin’, and Bran just takes it really calmly but then quotes a 3-seasons old Littlefinger line to the dude’s face just to make him as shook as humanly possible, and then Bran pawns the knife off on his now terrifying sister, who he has clearly watched kill a LOT of people, for what purpose?!?!?!?! They also managed to shoehorn in that the dagger is Valyrian steel, so, look, a Chekhov’s dagger. No points yet. I’m gonna hold off.

-I am not going to pretend, even for a second, that I didn’t completely cry when Arya and Sansa reunited in the crypts of Winterfell, all hesitant and careful and standoffish. The actresses, who are EXTREMELY close in real life, perfectly sold the competitive-sister storyline, especially later on when Sansa realizes everyone has a cool power except her (it’s okay, Sansa. your power is ‘saying bitchy things,’ and take it from me — that power will serve you well in life). Other Stark reunion things that were great: Sansa’s “Bran has……… visions” once Arya figures out how nuts he is, and Jon getting all up in Theon’s dumb shitty face. Plus 3,000 points.

-THAT. FIGHT. WITH. BRIENNE. AND. ARYA. WAS. TOO GOOD. Jesus. Maisie Williams has gotten almost scarily good at swordfighting, and watching that tiny little lunatic face off against gentle giant Gwendoline Christie was just flat out fucking magnificent. Plus 7,000 points.

-Okay, when Jon Snow asks you to go into a cave with him, you’re either gonna get eaten out or see a cool art show, so, lesson learned: always go into caves with Jon Snow. Plus 1,000 points.

-Was there anything more satisfying in the world, or perhaps this entire series, than the Lannister army getting mowed down by hordes of hot, super athletic Dothraki and Dany riding Drogon? Every time she says “Dracarys,” a baby smiles somewhere in the world. That battle scene was epic, tense, perfectly shot, and just overall goddamned delightful — not to mention that it was one of the first battle scenes on the show where I honestly kept wondering who I was rooting for. Of course I’m ultimately rooting for Daenerys, but watching Jaime lose was harder than I expected, even when he tried to mow Daenerys down in the same way as he killed her father (which, DUDE). Plus 10,000 points for this whole battle, and plus 3,000 more points for Dickon, who might have a stupid name but is way cute and maybe just saved Jaime’s life.

-Oh, Tyrion. At first I thought he was telling Daenerys to flee, but no — he was pleading for his brother. Jaime and Tyrion’s affection for each other has actually long been one of my favorite things about Thrones, so here’s hoping for a reunion soon. Plus 800 points.

-NO EURON AND NO SAM GETS THIS EPISODE PLUS 500 POINTS.

Total: 45,300 points / 1 “DRACARYS”

Minuses, or, I’ve Got Basically Nothing

-The only quibble I honestly have is some confusion over the Tyrell gold  – is it definitely on its way back? Was it in that burning wagon Jaime stared down all wistfully? Is Cersei as screwed as I want her to be? No points because I don’t have answers.

Total: 0 points / this episode was perfect

No, really. This was a perfect, concise, action packed 50 minutes. I have nothing bitchy to say. Keep up the good work, Benioff and Weiss! Can’t wait for you to punish me with an hour of Sam reading moldy books next week!