With only two episodes left in Season 7, I think audiences are expecting non-stop ridiculous action right up until the end (me, it’s me, I am expecting that), but with that being said, this episode did a lot of solid work that I am totally fine with, even without a battle scene that makes my whole living room scream. Let’s jump right in.
Pluses, or, GENDRY GENDRY GENDRY GENDRY
-GENDRY GENDRY GENDRY GENDRY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDAMNED GENDRY he’s ALIVE and he is still WAY HOT and YES YES YES!!!! Plus 10,000 points because GENDRYYYYYYYYYYY
-Bronn is an honest, slutty drunk, if nothing else. That’s why we love Bronn, right? So, yes, he saved Jaime, but he also was like,
Cersei bitch better have my money, and once she does, I am Audi 5000. This was very nearly a wash, so, plus 500 points for character consistency.
–Hooch IS crazy, y’all, and by Hooch, I mean Dany. I love that little dragon-toting blonde as much as the next person, but woman, you can’t literally rain fire and blood onto everyone or you’re going to become your father, a fate literally nobody on this show should be okay with. No points only because I want to see how far she goes.
-CAN WE ALL JUST AGREE JON IS A TARGARYEN?! When he reached a hand out to Drogon, that giant murder monster reacted like a fucking parakeet looking for birdseed. Dany noticed. We all saw it. We all know. Can we just all be on the same page? Plus 2,000 points for the inevitable, incesty reveal.
-Pour one out for Friendzone Jorah, who had an entire layer of his epidermis removed and STILL can’t get past a sexually charged embrace. He’s back. Plus 3,000 points for more character consistency.
-I feel like I shouldn’t give points for this, but I’ve been watching a lot of Vanderpump Rules lately because I’m slightly depressed and also love horrible reality TV, and Cersei is literally Stassi-level petty right now. She HONESTLY thinks that Jaime so much as exchanging eye contact with Tyrion is this huge betrayal, and I low key aspire to Cersei’s level of petty. Plus 1,000 points.
-Also, WHAT a Kelly Kapoor move, Cersei! You are 400 years old at this point and there’s honestly no way that you’re actually pregnant, but WHAT a good lie. No points.
-That all being said, Jaime and Tyrion reuniting — even after all the sibling reunions on this show — got me a little verklempt. Plus 3,000 points.
-Sam finally got a “badass montage,” and it was in a library. That feels…. right. Plus 300 points.
-I like this little team-up at the end of all of our Game of Thrones boyfriends. It looked a lot like Charli XCX’s “Boys” video, but way more rugged and with way more shrinkage. Still, plus 2,000 points.
Total: 21,800 points / GENDRY, THO
Minuses, or, A Song of Stupid Plans
-As much as I love Game of Thrones, and I truly do, I also feel like this show is about confident sexy people making stupid fucking plans. Almost every plan made on this show has been an ill-advised stupid mess that has ended in bloodshed, tragedy, and other random body fluids. That being said, there has been NO stupider plan on this ENTIRE SHOW than Tyrion being like, “hey, let’s bring a walker back to King’s Landing to scare Cersei.” Dude, what?! First of all, how are you going to pretend, even for a second, that Cersei is going to give the slightest shit when faced with a real live wight? Your sister is a stone cold bitch, and she doesn’t care WHEN she dies as long as she’s clinging to the Iron Throne when it happens. Second, how exactly are you planning on trapping a wight? Do you use humans as bait? And third, once you HAVE a wight you have inexplicably separated from its huge group and captured, you’re going to smuggle it into King’s Landing?! What is this, Weekend at Wight’s? I can’t with this. This is so fucking stupid. It’s going to go so wrong and someone will die and it’s PROBABLY going to be Gendry and I, for one, will be furious. Minus 10,000 points.
-In the grand tradition of men everywhere, Gilly is accidentally this close to confirming that Jon Snow isn’t a bastard after all but was the result of a legitimate union between a Targaryen prince and a Stark lady, thereby making him the top contender for the Iron Throne, and Sam IMMEDIATELY talks over her about how hard his life is. MOTHERFUCKER, CAN YOU NOT. Minus 2,000 points.
-I don’t like Arya and Sansa fighting, and fuck Littlefinger for making this happen. Starks should be HAPPY after all this shit, not sniping at each other about old scrolls. Goddammit. Minus 1,000 points.
-Also, minus 1,000 more points for that mansplainy, garbage Maester chucklefest. Fuck all of your saggy balls, you smug prune farts.
Total: 14,000 points / 1 smug Maesterfest
This episode was somewhat of a mixed bag, but it still left me with high hopes for the last 2 episodes of the season, which will hopefully be delightful bloodbaths. Til next week, Maester’s Rights Activists.