This week’s episode of Thrones provided us with over an hour of truly heartbreaking nonsense, an apparent rip in the space-time continuum, and an incredibly stupid mission that quickly became the show’s biggest disaster to date. Let’s just…. ugh. I’ll get to it.
Pluses, or, All My Boyfriends Are Stupid
-This episode picked right back up on everyone’s boyfriends and the cutest Suicide Squad of all time (sorry, Jared Leto) on the absolute dumbest wilderness trek of all time, as several eligible men and also the Hound wandered through the tundra looking for, you know, a single wight that got separated from its friends and is really struggling, I guess. I hate to do this, but plus 1,000 points for character consistency, because we do know that all of the people on this mission are basically beautiful dummies.
-I love how Gendry was all whiny about his Melisandre run-in and every other dude there was like, “bruh, a sex witch rubbed all up on you, please deal.” Plus 2,000 points.
-“Walking’s good. Fighting’s better. Fucking’s best.” Tormund is perfect. Plus 200 points.
-Speaking of Tormund, do you guys think I can find a man who talks about me the way Tormund talks about Brienne? No points, I just honestly want to know if anyone thinks this is a possibility for me. K, thanks.
-I will say this. The battle sequences in this episode were tense, lovely, and nail-biting to the extreme. I had several people watching this in my living room and there was a lot of leaning forward and biting of hands and elated screaming, especially when I yelled “IT’S BENJEN!!!!!” really loudly and deeply frightened my best friend and maybe blew out her left eardrum. Sorry, Mary. Plus 5,000 points.
-Also, even though there is a small part of me that is getting PRETTY TIRED of Dany’s whole “I will solve all of my problems with dragons” approach, it’s still VERY hard to not just openly scream from joy when she shows up with dragons. Plus 2,000 points.
-Just… I’m giving plus 4,000 points for overall banter. Deal with it.
-After Tyrion’s plea to Dany I’m having some cool fantasies about Westeros becoming a democracy and being better than the U.S. and I just feel like, in this current climate, I deserve those fantasies, so plus 500 points for that.
-That hand-hold was… something. Incest, ahoy! Plus 2,000 points.
–No points because the result was so deeply upsetting, but can we just look back at that one White Walker with insane javelin skills? Are all the high-ranking Walkers just quietly training at darts in their spare time? Do you think they play Cricket or 301?
-DANY’S. FUR. COAT. Clearly she just has several YAS QUEEN outfits laying around in storage, but this one was extra as fuck. From the prerequisite dragon chain to the layered, fawn-colored back, I could not even handle it. Plus 1,000 points.
Total: 17,700 points / all my cute snowy cold boyfriends
Minuses, or, All My Boyfriends Are Really Fucking Stupid
-In keeping with tradition with all men everywhere (and yes, I’m going full #YesAllMen), the PG-13 Boy Scout Troop was still stupid AF to even come here, and I’m furious at them even though nobody important died except for Thoros of Myr and several redshirts that I didn’t even know were there. Minus 5,000 points.
-I am FULLY taking away minus 500 points for making us think, EVEN FOR A SECOND, THAT WE WOULD LOSE TORMUND. YOU MONSTERS.
-I’ll touch on Winterfell for a second — like, ONE second — to say that I hate when Sansa and Arya fight. I hate that these two beautiful, stubborn ding dongs can’t let any part of their past go and just be allies. I hate that two of the strongest women on the show are irrationally fighting. I fucking hate all of it, honestly. Minus 3,000 points.
-WHAT IS TIME ON THIS SHOW ANYMORE ANYWAY?!? Gendry ran like 20 miles in about four to five seconds. A raven flew in about 7 minutes and then Dany arrived, what, immediately upon its receipt? Does time or space even WORK anymore? Who got ahold of a fucking TARDIS?! This is insane. Minus 2,000 points.
-Everyone on this show that isn’t named Cersei Lannister is bad at fighting and bad at military strategy. This goes double for anyone named Jon Snow. Minus 1,000 points.
-Where did the Walkers get a ton of chains?!? Is there a lowkey very industrious steel mill north of the Wall? This seems EXTREME. Minus 200 points.
-The Deus ex Benjen situation was — let’s be honest — maybe the stupidest and most unbelievable thing this show has ever done. Are we supposed to believe Benjen was like, waiting amongst wights undercover or something? Does he have a Lojack on every surviving Stark boy? I just… come on. That was a stupid save, and it irritated me to no end. Minus 400 points.
-NO, NOT A DRAGON. VISERION, WE…. did not know it was you who died because if you’re not Drogon we don’t know which dragon you are. That shot of the blue eyed dragon gave me crazy chills, but it still made me deeply angry and sad, so, minus 5,000 points.
–No points, but, WHAT IS THE DRAGON GOING TO BREATHE NOW?!
Total: 16,600 / 1 lost dragon
This points tally was close, you guys, so this should tell you how I feel about this episode (frustrated as all hell). Next week is the finale, so, I will have about a mega fuckton to say then, I’m sure — so, until next week, when we all scream about having to wait god knows how long for a new season.