A foreseeable future without Game of Thrones gathers, and now my watch begins. This half-man of a season finale gave us a lot, and by a lot, I mean a few extremely satisfying moments tied in with a bunch of total nonsense, so basically, it was a pretty typical episode of Game of Thrones. Let’s get started, for the last time for a while.
Pluses, or, The Gang’s All Here!
-From a production standpoint, after years of knowing that almost every actor was spread throughout continents, I felt a weird, contented joy at seeing basically every main character in the same place for one of the first times ever. Plus 5,000 points.
-This episode gave us the best worst high school reunion of all time, with a lot of unhappy reunions and a few that gave me some real deal feels. I’ve been waiting a while for Cersei and Tyrion to reunite, though that brought little fanfare other than quiet seething; seeing Tyrion say a happy hello to both Pod and Bronn, two of his old homies, made my cold shriveled heart feel again; and that little chat between Brienne and the Hound about their kid Arya, who left them as empty nesters when she went away to murder college, just about killed me. Plus 3,000 points.
-Drogon always announces himself by screaming. I like his style. I feel like I should definitely start doing that. Plus 500 points.
–No points for this, but I want to note how hilarious it is that Bronn and Pod had to conveniently fan-edit themselves out of the Big Meeting Scene because Jerome Flynn and Lena Headey had a bad breakup and absolutely refuse to be onscreen together, ever.
-Speaking of Lena Headey, watching Cersei’s facade crack for the first time since her Walk of Shame was fucking great. No matter what happens after, she IS genuinely afraid of the wight, and watching it leap at her like an overeager Doberman puppy actually made me laugh. Plus 600 points.
-Jon and Davos’ heavily choreographed 9th grade chemistry presentation was just flat out adorable. Plus 600 points.
–No points again, but why did Euron feel the need to stroke the destroyed wight’s hair? Was that… why? Just… why?!
-It works that Cersei asks “Ned Stark’s son” to swear fealty to her, since, you know, HE ISN’T. We’ll get to that. I just needed to gloat. Plus 300 points.
-“Have you ever considered learning how to lie every now and then? Just a bit?” Tyrion, you are a perfect gem, and I hope you live until the ripe old age of 80 and die with a glass of wine in your hand and your cock in a woman’s mouth, just like you said you wanted. Plus 1,000 points.
-I still don’t think Cersei is pregnant, but I love that Tyrion figures out she “is” because she’s not chugging wine. Also, that scene was really, really great. Lena Headey is so good at gnashing her teeth and snarling, and Peter Dinklage is… so good at every emotion and every part of acting that has ever existed. Plus 1,000 points.
-I don’t think most aunts and nephews flirt over teeny dragon skulls, but, you know, whatever works for you. Kids these days. Plus 200 points.
-Also, Jon pointing out that a vengeful gypsy witch MAY not have had the firmest grasp on Daenery’s fertility status was a refreshing return to, you know, sensibility. For one second. From the least sensible person on the entire show. No points, actually. Jon is still mostly useless.
-I heard a theory on the Cast of Kings podcast that Littlefinger forcing Sansa to say a bunch of crappy things about Arya is what makes her realize how guilty he is, because Sansa knows Arya could give a flying fart about ever being the Lady of Winterfell, and I’d rather subscribe to that than believe that Arya and Sansa were staging dumb, weird arguments based on the belief that Littlefinger is just constantly lurking in corners listening to stuff, which… no, actually, that’s fair. But I stand by my original point. No points because I didn’t come up with that, and I am unoriginal.
-From the second that Sansa, during that gorgeous snowy shot on Winterfell’s ramparts, ordered Arya to be brought to the Great Hall, I figured they had to be in cahoots, because Arya is pretty good at not getting brought to places where she doesn’t want to be. I watched this episode with a living room full of people, and when Sansa finished her sentence with “…Lord Baelish,” we all SCREAMED. Luckily, the Stark kids, who have plenty of dirt on Littlefinger already, have a Deus Ex Bransplainer to fill in all the gaps, and as a result, this scene could not POSSIBLY have been more satisfying. Throw in Sophie Turner’s best performance yet, and I am SO BEYOND SOLD. Poetic justice has never felt so sweet. Plus 10,000 points.
-JAIME, YAS. GO JOIN THE HEROES! Plus 100 points.
-Hey, guys, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but, uh, winter is here, so. Plus 300 points, because, it’s about time.
-Sam’s facial expressions re: Bran’s Three Eyed Raven nonsense is all of us. Plus 800 points.
-Other than grossing us all out because incest, I don’t know why the show necessarily had to SPELL OUT the fact that Jon is the actual heir to the Iron Throne, since anyone paying a modicum of attention had already figured that out, but, I guess, thanks for letting us know? No points.
-That being said, I’ve been waiting for Jon and Dany to fuck all season, so, COOL. Enter the dragon, INDEED. Plus 2,000 points.
–PLUS 6,000 POINTS FOR JON’S BUTT. WASSUP, AEGON.
-I don’t have a lot to say about that last scene between the Stark girls besides that I loved it and I can’t wait for the two of them to scooch onto the Iron Throne and share it. Plus 1,000 points.
-I’m not saying I’m happy about this wall coming down business or seeing Viserion become an undead blue-fire breathing ice dragon, but, you know, it had to happen. The show’s ending in like, twelve total hours. We need an endpoint. Plus 1,000 points.
Total: 32,200 points / AEGON TARGARYEN’S PERFECT PEACH EMOJI BUTT
Minuses, or, Everyone On This Show is Still a Blithering Idiot
-Why does anyone ever let Euron talk? More to the point, why do they let him interrupt a grand council with like, eight monarchs present? Also, where is he getting his eyeliner, and why does he look like Joshua Jackson’s emo phase? Minus 1,000 points.
-HEY, GUESS WHAT, FUCKERS?! I was right!!! There was no reason to bring a wight to King’s Landing!! You killed a dragon for NO REASON!!!!! GODDDAAMMMMIIIIIT MINUS 10,000 POINTS
-Why did anyone think, ever, even for one second, that Cersei would give a flying shit about anyone but herself?! Jesus! It’s like Tyrion hasn’t even met his crazy, murdery sister. Of COURSE she turned on Jon and Dany. Cersei does basically three things: fuck her brother, turn on people, and chew gum. Her brother left her, and she’s all out of gum. Minus 5,000 points.
-Everyone on the Internet liked Jon and Theon’s deep talk and Theon’s subsequent hollow, no-balls victory, but aside from that gorgeous shot of Theon dropping to his knees in the tide, I thought it was mostly dumb and pretty heavy-handed about “who’s a Stark” and who isn’t (hint: NOT REALLY YOU, JON). Minus 500 points.
-I am going to take points away for the poor explanation and terrible logistics of this Stark kids plan, because ultimately, it made no sense unless you do a lot of mental gymnastics. I’m not going to take away very MANY points, though, because, see the Pluses section. Minus 200 points.
-How has Jaime not figured this out yet? Cersei is the worst, will kill anyone, and can’t love anyone. This took him too long, and I am irrationally annoyed at him, although I think he’s got some balls for being annoyed that, you know, his SISTER is cheating on him. Minus 700 points.
-SAM TAKING CREDIT FOR GILLY’S DISCOVERY IS THE WORST THING THIS SHOW HAS EVER DONE. I SAID IT. Minus 5,000 points.
-What’s the deal with
airline food Tyrion lurking outside of the Dragon Sex Den? Is his jealous? Does he somehow know they’re related? Does he just like to listen? Minus 1,000 points for creeping.
-Also, minus 500 points for overlaying that dialogue about Jon’s true heritage OVER the boning. Way to ruin a perfectly good sex scene, Thrones. Jeez.
-TORMUND IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE DEAD, HOW DARE YOU, SHOW, I’D BETTER SEE THAT RED BEARD NEXT SEASON OR I AM GOING TO LOSE IT MINUS 2,000 POINTS FOR STRESSING ME OUT
Total: 14,700 points / how the fuck long do we have to wait for more episodes
I am (ACTUALLY) going to write a piece about the season as a whole, but for now, I’ll just say that this didn’t feel like a complete season, but rather, an intermission. With another piece forthcoming, I’ll leave it at that, but in the meantime, remember that we have a Long Night’s worth of waiting ahead of us for new episodes. Winter is here, the wall is down, and the reckoning is coming.