Scandal Recap: Hi


We’re only on episode 2 of the final season of Scandal but things are already reaching a boiling point for our favorite D.C. fixer and all the broken people in her life!

Olivia and Curtis can’t keep their elevator eyes (or elevator lips) off of each other. Mellie continues to bristle against the unexpected cons of being a female Commander in Chief when you’re not Geena Davis. And Quinn Perkins & Associates is not only a shell of what Olivia Pope & Associates once was but also a shell of what Quinn Perkins & Associates was literally ONE EPISODE AGO. And it’s the White House State Dinner a.k.a. the costume designer’s best bid for an Emmy next year.

Let’s jump in to “Pressing the Flesh” and try to not giggle about how dirty that title sounds.

Pluses, or Winner, Winner, White House State Dinner

The music supervisors are probably pushing it in the eyes of the network heads of ABC by underscoring a post-coital scene with Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It”, but I personally cannot get enough of it. So much better than the indie white noise that plays under every sappy scene in Grey’sPlus 1,000 points.

It’s hard to feel bad for presidents nowadays with the Cheeto-crusted clown that’s currently in office, but poor Mellie! When you start comparing your vagina to seasons of American Horror Story, you definitely have my sympathy. I think she should definitely binge some Orange is the New Black before she starts comparing her sexless plight to the tragic injustice of the American prison system, but this monologue was an amazing reminder of Bellamy Young’s fantastic comedic prowess. Plus 3,00 points.

I literally squealed when I saw Dean Norris’s name in the credits. I needed mouth to mouth when he burst onto the screen as Cyrus’s tech billionaire gay nemesis with the shiniest shoes this side of Oz. If he and Cyrus hook up, I might spontaneously combust. I wish there was a way to make a red vest sound kinky, but I’m also glad there isn’t because that was maybe the sweetest, purest gesture this show has ever known. Thatcher Grey + Hank Schrader = 4EVA!!! Plus 12,000 points.

FITZ! THAT. IS. ALL. Wait, why am I so excited about Fitz being back?! Oh my God, I think I totally get why all those people rigged an election for that guy. Look at how well he pulled off that leather jacket. Plus 30,000 points.

Don’t scare me like that, Charliequinn! This couple and this baby is the one thing keeping Quinn interesting since her amazing life as a Bachelorette contestant is relegated to an alternate universe. I really love this couple and the much-needed/appreciated romance they bring to the show. Their baby might grow up to be a psycho killer, but it definitely won’t be because he/she/they will have grown up in a broken home. Plus 2,300 points.

Sooo many #StorylineRelationshipGoals this episode! Mellie and President Rashad are the new TV ‘ship I never knew I needed! I just hope that this potential love interest for Mellie doesn’t cheat on her with Olivia, kidnap Olivia, or have a higher booty than her. Plus 2,200 points.

No points but it bears repeating that Jay Hernandez is sexy/dreamy as fuck.

Total: 50,500 points/The price to book that amazing singer for my wedding 

Minuses, or Are They Gladiators or Are They Bitches? They’re Bitches.

Every week QPA gets sadder and SADDER. Seriously, we’ve stooped to the depths of bribing the Attorney General with Chinese food to get four fake invites to the state dinner. SAD! Minus 2,000 points.

Ugh, minus 5,000 points for the very disappointing gala fashions in this episode. Mellie’s dress looked like she was doing low budget Effie Trinket cosplay while Olivia looked like she picked up her gown from the JC Penney next door to the Spirit Halloween store that Mellie bought hers.

What’s more laughable than a secret B6-13 Batcave in the White House? Saying that FDR originally built it. Minus 900 points.

On a related note, Olivia continues to be the worst Command of all time. I wish that she would get it through her beautiful head of hair that her old OPA tricks of slamming folders on the table and whispering fiercely aren’t going to work anymore. As always, Huck’s super spy knowledge is clutch and saves the Bashranin president’s life. It’s frustrating that pretty much everyone on this show is bad at their job and refuses to help one another or be nice. Olivia treated Quinn like she was Regina George and Quinn was Janis Ian, as if she hadn’t entrusted her company and legacy to her recently. It’s catty and  frankly beneath Olivia. Minus 4,000 points.

This may be awful of me to say but I don’t think that Abby or David really deserve happiness at this point. As much as we all try to forget, I know we all remember David’s super creepy affair with Portia de Rossi that resulted in the cruel heartbreak of everyone’s favorite former Veep Susan Ross. I actually have forgotten how exactly Abby was involved with the cray cray people that got Frankie Vargas killed, but I’m still furious about it. Their relationship was great in the early Scandal days, but they have both been dragged through the mud of some of the show’s worst storylines and they can never be clean in my eyes or in my heart. Minus 10,000 points.

Total: 21,900 points/45 minutes for a White House tour of lies

Coming up next week is literally the episode we’ve been waiting for all season, Behind the Music: Fitz in Vermont. Something (Papa Pope sitting on his floor point a gun at him) tells me that Fitz is not having as great a time post his presidency as President Obama is. But the jam, ammirite?! Talk to you next TGIT, Gladiators!

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