Guys. It’s here. And so am I.

I know that, since the seventh season finished its run in 2017, I’ve been largely dormant, and that’s thanks to a lot of things – work, life, etc. – but it’s also partly due to the fact that lately, I’ve gotten the chance to write for Looper, a pop culture website with an amazing staff of editors and writers who give me the amazing opportunity to make a modest living simply by screaming about everything from the Oscars to Detective Pikachu to, yes, Game of Thrones. That all being said, I didn’t want to give up my original recap, especially not in the show’s very last season, nor did I want to let down my lone reader (hi, Mom!), so, here I am, aided by coffee and pure adrenaline after a long night of overnight recaps and tornado warnings and surround sound construction outside of my house, to recap the final season of Thrones.

With only six episodes and a previous season that frustrated viewers by throwing space and time completely out of the window and making some characters unrecognizable, Thrones‘ last ever season premiere had a high bar to clear, and mostly, it did just that, setting up the conflict to come and even throwing in a few jokes (what a gift!) along the way. Let’s begin.

Pluses, or, Taylor Swift Was Wrong

-First things first: the new opening is a full-on numba one stunna, surprising basically every viewer with a new, in-depth map featuring everything from the crypts of Winterfell to a handy little tile map showing the progress of the Walkers (will that change every week?) to swords recapping everything from the Red Wedding to the Red Comet. Cool flex, show. Before the action even started, you still managed to surprise everyone. Plus 10,000 points for CGI magic.

-Tyrion’s first line in the episode is a testicle joke. Very on brand. Plus 200 points.

-Also, Daenerys’ smile when she sees her dragons swoop all over Winterfell is very Pageant Mom, and also extremely on brand. Plus 500 points.

-Do we all remember when Taylor Swift sang “we are never, ever, ever getting back together” and the whole Internet took the opportunity to make a bunch of oh-so-funny memes about it with the whole Stark family on them? Well, I’m pleased to report that Taylor was COMPLETELY WRONG, and the Starks ARE finally back together, as are a slew of other characters. This episode was chock-a-block full of reunions from great to weird to ~*~dramatic~*~. Most Emotional obviously goes to Arya and Jon – literally when is the last time we saw Arya smile – and their dick sword-measuring contest, while Least Emotional goes to Jon and Bran, because Bran has been drained of all feeling since he studied abroad. As far as half-Stark reunions go, Sansa and Tyrion’s was understandably fraught, even though I think she could have been nicer considering she abandoned him to a definite death sentence, BUT, he’s also being a moron about his murder sister. (Maybe. Who knows what they arranged. Fucking Lannisters.) On average, plus 1,500 points.

-Sansa’s shade game has been developing throughout the entire show, and it is on full, glorious display here, especially when she asks important questions like “how do we feed dragons when we can barely feed humans?” or “are you boning your aunt?” Plus 2,000 points.

-GUYS, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, BRAN STILL SUCKS. He spends literally the entire episode either loudly Bransplaining or just quietly lurking in the corner of Winterfell’s courtyard, because nobody wants to bring him inside on account of how annoying he is. Plus 200 points for consistency.

-MAC FROM ALWAYS SUNNY WAS IN THRONES and that means a Philly guy was in Thrones and THAT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY SO PLUS 10,000 POINTS.

-That scene with Cersei and Euron in the throne room is literally that foamy latte scene from Zoolander, except they fuck at the end of it. Wash, because I love Zoolander. 

-Bronn’s brothel visit provides us with the best possible piece of information: Eddie, also known as Ed Sheeran, got his “face burnt off” and now he has no eyelids! Ed Sheeran has no eyelids! There is justice in the world!!!! Galway Grill!!!!!!!! Plus 1,000 points.

-Theon found balls!! Kind of!! Also, Yara is back, and she’s still a boss bitch!! Plus 2,000 points.

-Dany, like most women in the world, is upset that her in-laws don’t like her. This is painfully accurate, even though most women understand this feeling so well that it hurts just a little bit. Plus 500 points.

-That being said, Dany and Jon have ridiculously good chemistry, and between her vaguely echoing Ygritte in the cave to her demanding that Jon “keep his queen warm,” I was into it. And I do mean sexually. Plus 1,000 points.

-Drogon’s little dad scene is HILARIOUS because if dogs cast a disapproving eye on makeout sessions, then that goes quadruple for dragons. I am personally relieved that I have a dog and not a dragon. Plus 500 points.

-The Hound calling Arya a “cold little bitch” is #goals for everyone, as is her entire ensuing conversation with Gendry. If these two don’t end up ruling Westeros, I literally don’t even know. Plus 700 points.

-Jon and Sam reunite and then Sam immediately spills the beans that Jon is banging his aunt and Jon’s reaction is more or less “damn, dude, I just started getting it in on the reg and now this?!” I’m sure this realization will have no effect on the rest of the season. Just kidding! I’m so glad it was immediately revealed, thank God. Plus 5,000 points.

–It’s a wash for that terrifying dead kid sequence with Tormund and Beric – I’m relieved they’re alive, but a big NO THANK YOU to the screaming dead child surrounded by severed limbs!! I like to sleep at night!! This kind of shit does not help!! Someone give me a handful of CBD gummies please!!

-This Bran-Jaime confrontation will probably have no emotion or stakes at all because Bran is weird and sucks now, so, wash.

Total: 35,100 points

Minuses, or, I Guess I Like Sam Now

-On brand, but still awful: Euron is still the literal worst, and I hate him and constantly wish he would just get run over by a truck. I know there aren’t trucks anywhere in Westeros, but let a girl dream. Minus 2,000 points.

-Paging Dr. Cockblock! Love how Qyburn can’t wait until Bronn even finishes to be like, hey, here’s the crossbow Joffrey used to murder women and that Tyrion used to kill his father, hope you’re okay with killing two of your best friends slash allies for a title and a few pieces of gold. Bronn, look away. Girl, you can do better. Cersei doesn’t love you like they do. Minus 1,000 points for the mere possibility.

-Jon Snow’s little Disneyland Dragon Ride was cheesy. There. I said it. I know the importance of him finally riding Rhaegal, his literal father-dragon, but it was still dumb to watch, so, minus 1,000 points.

-I used to hate Sam, and have liked him way more upon subsequent rewatches, and Dany making him cry actually kind of hurt my feelings, and I am officially taking it personally. Minus 2,000 points for each dead Tarly

-Total lack of Big Dick (Po)Drick in this episode, so, minus 1,000 points.

Total: 6,000 points

Okay, well. Big premiere, lots of stuff, I have more or less poured out my thoughts, and as you can see by the points total, I thought this episode was a pretty good premiere overall. In any case, I will be doing this for the rest of the season, albeit a little late, but stick with me – I’ll be here until my watch is ended. God help me. Until next week!