Game of Thrones Recap: Serve Yourself

The characters on Game of Thrones like to pretend that family names and loyalties matter, but when it comes right down to it, everybody on this show is watching their own back and no one else’s (and some characters aren’t smart enough to bother with the former, Tommen). All men must serve, sure, but nobody in Westeros or beyond is ever totally sure who or what they’re serving at any given minute. So, with that in mind, let’s get started!

Pluses, or, Finally! A Successful Wedding

-I have a soft spot for wimpy little Tommen, so here’s some points for him. Plus 500 points that his wedding goes off without a hitch; plus 1,000 points for not feeling the least bit sad about Joffrey; and plus 1,500 points for his hilarious horniness now that his cherry is, well, good and popped. (I guess Mags really knows what’s up.)

-Margaery’s post-sex bathrobe is actually just her dress. Plus 100,000 points.

-She has also firmly laid claim to Cersei’s second and most important title: Queen of Shade. It was legitimately not possible for her to land more zingers or to be more pleased about it during that breakfast scene, and Cersei’s pants-shitting smile was so tight I was honestly nervous her face would start cracking into pieces. Plus 2,000 points.

-I’m reserving judgment on this whole Sansa-Ramsey engagement situation until I see how it pans out – which I am hoping slash predicting will be badly for the Bolton clan – because this is a HUMONGOUS book departure and I honestly have no idea where this is going. Obviously it remains to be seen, but even though Littlefinger is definitely always looking after himself, he’s not leaving his little mini-Cat totally alone here. No points yet.

-As if we didn’t already know Ramsay was a total sociopath, it’s reinforced yet again by how loudly he chews his food. Plus 600 points.

-Also, plus 300 points for that shot of Ramsay’s ladybro sneering at Sansa – maybe this means she has some sort of purpose!

-Hearing more about Brienne was nice, but I spent most of it fantasizing about my dream series ending: Brienne cuts basically everyone’s head off, and then she, Tyrion, Arya and Pod go out for drinks after. Dany can send Drogon from her throne to light everyone’s cigars. No points, just fantasizing. Also, yay! She was finally nice to Pod!

-Thank god Arya hid Needle instead of throwing it away! I was not emotionally prepared for her to toss that particular trinket into the ocean. That would have been up there with Hedwig dying. Plus 1,000 points for that, and plus 1,000 more points for those incredible shots of her staring into the Braavosi sunset. (Brb, looking up flights to Croatia.)

-Four for you, Jon Snow! You go, Jon Snow! What a fantastic fucking sequence that was, first of all, and it was equally fantastic to see him finally take charge around there, especially since Janos Slynt had a bit of a hand in Ned’s beheading a while back. Plus 5,000 points for Jon Snow getting real hot all of a sudden. (Yeah, maybe I’m late to the game, but give me a break – he usually just looks constipated.)

-No, I wasn’t crying over Tyrion. There was just something in my eye. But plus 7,000 points for this whole Tyrion situation! Not only did we get Drunk Tyrion, Emotional Tyrion and Plotting Tyrion (goddammit, Peter Dinklage is so good), but he’ll be with Daenerys like, REAL soon. YASSSS QUEEN! Literally!

Minuses, or, Everyone Cheer Up A Little Bit

-This episode was mostly just shots of people pacing and scowling. I don’t need more of that in my life. I already watch Mad MenMinus 500 points.

-Davos, why are you even giving advice? You don’t even have fingerprints and you bore me. Minus 500 more points.

-This show has such a great track record when it comes to butts, so no thanks for the repeated shots of the High Septon’s butt-flab. Also, I was so bored by all of this. His brothel pantomime was kind of funny except it was mostly just like, “Look! Tits!” which this show does so often that it no longer has the slightest bit of impact, but it went decidedly downhill from there. It was mostly just exciting to spend two to three minutes figuring out that this High Sparrow guy is Elizabeth’s dad from Pirates of the Caribbean. Minus 200 points.

-Also, while we’re talking about inevitably irritating new characters, minus 500 for introducing ANOTHER RED PRIESTESS. Isn’t Melisandre annoying enough?!

So, mostly on the good side for this episode – this show is finally learning how to do set-up in a fun way, and thank the Resting Bitch Face God for that! Be back next week!

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