American Horror Story Recap: FrankenBoyfriend

The first of many diva-offs.

The ball started rolling last week, and it shows no signs of stopping. Between this show, Always Sunny, and South Park, Wednesday nights are bringin’ it, y’all.

So we open this week on two rednecks enjoying what is, apparently, a popular Southern past-time – “fishing” for alligators and then shooting them in the head. (Not PETA-approved.) Before our new friends, Muscle Tee and Tobacco Chew, can even string up their fresh kill, they meet our old friend Misty, last seen burning on a stake a little ways away from New Orleans. Powered by her Stevie Nicks soundtrack, she brings those gators back into the mortal realm and serves them a hot, steaming plate of redneck bros. Not quite up to last week’s horrifying slave torture reel, but a good opening nonetheless.

Back at Hogwarts, Cordelia’s waking the girls and Fiona for the morning meeting, but most of them are a little busy. Madison and Zoe are Googling poor dead Kyle, even though, according to Madison, “given your Black Widow status, he was living on borrowed time anyway.” Fiona, though, is getting way weirder. She’s still got Madame LaLaurie locked in her bedroom, who keeps screaming out of turn and loses her shit over a cell phone ring (on a weird non-brand smartphone- really, Fiona?). Eventually, the ladies make it downstairs, only to find two detectives asking Zoe some probing questions about her trail of murderbangs and the overturned frat bus. Luckily, Fiona arrives, tortures them a little, wipes their memories, and throws both of her bad baby witches into the wall with a flick of her wrist. As far as deus ex machinas go, Fiona’s the best. In the end, she reminds Madison and Zoe that “in the whole wide wicked world,” they have nothing to fear but her. Because yes.

In the meantime, we learn a little more about our favorite human voodoo doll, Queenie. Before enrolling at the Center for Teenage Witch Angst, she was a math genius slash fried chicken joint manager, who ended up under Cordelia’s watchful eye thanks to a little incident with a customer, a vat of boiling oil, her unblemished arm, and his extremely burnt one. Whoops. I can’t blame her though. Dude was trying to cheat another piece of chicken out of her. (Not to mention that she’s descended from a famous slave, Tituba, considered one of the first witches victimized in Salem. I’m sure we’ll get more about that later. Well, actually, I’m not sure. Ryan Murphy isn’t amazing at following up.)

LaLaurie tries to appeal to Fiona’s non-existent soft side, telling her how Marie Laveau cursed her with eternal life, hanged her family, and locked her up in a box to not-rot for all eternity, but Fiona’s not buying it. Nan puts a kibosh on their little sisterhood, though, by making LaLaurie get the hell out of the house, because she’s thinking way too much. (True Blood was right- it must suck to be clairvoyant.) And Fiona’s little protege, Madison, decides to thank Zoe for her kindly murderbang, and trots off to the morgue (Zoe in tow) to resurrect the unfortunate Kyle. Since his parts aren’t… all together (episode two and we’re already at severed body parts! Classic AHS!), Madison figures they can just Frankenstein this shit and match up the cutest arms and legs and biggest packages to create Uber-Boyfriend. Yeah, that can’t possibly go awry! Good plan, ladies!

The episode loses a little bit of focus with Cordelia’s subplot – this show is really trying to make Cordelia happen, but I’m still not convinced that she can possibly top Lana. Anyway, she and her husband (where did he come from?) really want to make a baby witch, but Cordelia’s womb isn’t having it. Her husband suggests magic, which Cordelia is initially against, but as we learn later, she caves and the two go at it in a ring of fire with snakes and blood everywhere and blah blah blah. On any other show, this would be really crazy and awesome, but voodoo queens and Jessica Lange and FRANKENBOYFRIENDS ARE HAPPENING so it’s really hard to care.

Madison and Zoe, meanwhile, have assembled Kyle and performed the necessary spells, but nothing seems to be happening. When the door rattles, Madison makes a run for it, and when an employee finds the stitched-up body with a bloody pentagram on his chest (nope, nothing out of the ordinary here), Kyle just starts beating the crap out of him. Good sign. He seems to listen to Zoe, though, who climbs into a car to stage a getaway, only to find Misty in the backseat. (Didn’t Zoe learn ANYTHING from Zombieland? Always check the back seat!) Misty, to the tune of her custom Fleetwood Mac soundtrack, takes Zoe and Kyle to her little hut and starts trying to fix him up, telling Zoe she was “summoned” by the necromancy spell. That also seems like a good sign.

And we finally meet back up with Marie Laveau, who is still alive and fabulous, because this show is entirely populated with the undead. Fiona pays her a visit to find the secret to her youthful visage, but ends up just setting a bunch of weaves on fire and threatening her. As powerful as Fiona is, I can’t help but think that threatening a voodoo queen isn’t a great idea – especially since Marie goes right to her undead and completely real minotaur for help. Yikes.

We got some good action this week, but we also got some very good set-up. We’ve got Misty, fixing Kyle for Zoe. We’ve got Marie, who is almost definitely coming for Fiona. We’ve got LaLaurie, wandering around smelling like rotted flesh in old-fashioned clothes, freaking out over cars and phones and whacking Queenie in the head with a candlestick because black people are slaves, right? While we were watching, my boyfriend pointed out that this show ends up throwing a climax into the middle of the episode and then laying the framework for either a crazy cliffhanger or more insane action next week. Either way, it’s working.

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