Golden Globes 2014 Minute-to-Minute Recap!!


Every glorious moment of the Golden Globes this year recorded by Myself (B) and Nina (N)! Enjoy our oh so silly ramblings below!

7:55-Well Nina, with 5 minutes til the awards, what are you most looking forward to? (B)


7:56- I mean, I’m pretty caught up in the dresses right now. Favorite so far: Emilia Clarke or Elizabeth Moss. Honorable mention goes to Emma Watson, who is literally wearing leggings. (N)


8:00- Let’s get this started! (B)


8:01- 74th Annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Lee Daniels’ The Butler Awards. Also, TAM HONKS. (N)


8:03- Matt Damon declared a nobody by Amy Poehler. It’s official. (N)


8:04- Amy Poehler uses a shot of J-Law as herself. I cannot. (N)


8:05-Julia Louis-Dreyfus smoking an E-cigarette is priceless. (B)


8:05- And her refusal to take a selfie with Reese. (N)


8:05- The film Gravity shows that George would rather float away in space than spend another minute with a woman his own age. DAYUM! (N)


8:07- ”If I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.” (B)


8:10- I did NOT know Captain Phillips was based on “I’m On a Boat.”(N)


8:10- Alright, actors awkwardly coming up from the audience. Fantastic. (B)


8:12- And Best Supporting Actress goes to…..Jennifer Lawrence. Dumb dumb dumb. (B) I DO NOT SUPPORT THOSE DUMBS. (N)


8:13- Jennifer Lawrence delivers a touching ode to David O. Russell while admitting she hasn’t watched ALL of his movies. (N)


8:15- Best Supporting Actress in TV/Miniseries goes to Jacqueline Bissett for a show no one watched!


8:17-I don’t think she knows how awards work. (B)


8:18- I think she’s really drunk. (N)


8:22- Best Miniseries or TV Movie goes to…..Behind the Candelabra! Another win for Liberace! (B)




8:25-Best Actress in a Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Elisabeth Moss for Top of the Lake! (B)


8:27- It’s not possible for Elizabeth Moss to be cuter. It softens the blow (for me) of her beating Jessica Lange. (N)


8:28- Matt Damon: “It’s me, the garbage man.” (N)


8:29-”Wow, I’m doing some pretty good acting right there.”-Tom Hanks watching a clip from Captain Phillips. (B)


8:33- Tina and Amy make up some foreign HFPA names, gloriously. (N)


8:35- Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie literally get the wrong TelePrompter script. I fucking LOVE the Globes. (N)


8:36-A wonderful technical flub at the Globes. Thank goodness improv genius Jonah Hill is there to save things from being more awkward than they could be. (B)


8:37- I don’t know how they even assembled a television-friendly clip, since Wolf has over 300 “fucks” in it. (N)


8:39-Best Actor in a TV Drama goes to Bryan Cranston (thank god) for Breaking Bad. His First Globe, apparently. (B) YEAAAH!!! I’m in Season 3 so (kind of) I get it now!! (N)


8:41-Best TV Drama goes to…..Breaking Bad! Wunderbar! (B) Ben is totally freaking out right now! (N)


8:43- Aaron Paul: “Yeah, bitch!” There we go. (N)


8:48-GUYS. IT’S THE REAL PHILOMENA LEE!!!!! (B) I think she’s here because Judi Dench wouldn’t come. (N)


8:49- Is Usher gate-crashing these presenters?! (N)


8:50-Best Score goes to….Alex Ebert for All is Lost! A surprise win apparently! (B)


8:51- And with this win, we begin Boring Categories Are Boring. Except for P-Diddy crashing that speech. (N) I believe he pulled a Kanye. (B)


8:53- “Everyone just keep drinking, and it’ll be over soon.” PREACH, P-DIDDY. (N)


8:55- And Best Original Song goes to……Ordinary Love, by Bono and the Edge. Fair enough. Was hoping to see either “Let it Go” or “Please Mr. Kennedy” up there though. (B)


8:56- UGH now we have to listen to a preachy U2 speech! (N) None of that, man. With Mandela’s recent passing, I guess they just want to pay their respects and such. (B) I deeply respected Mandela. I also happen to hate U2. (N)


9:03- And Best Supporting Actor TV goes to….Jon Voight for Ray Donovan. I think he’s caught a case of the Bissett. (B)


9:06- Robert Downey Jr. will make everything better! (B) ALWAYS. (N)


9:08- And Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy goes to…..Amy Adams, for being the one actor who made me care in American Hustle. (B) Oh, hush. (N)


9:15- Mr. Golden Globe. I love it so much. SO MUCH. So many Jacqueline Bissett jokes! (B)


9:17- Best Actress in a TV Drama goes to Robin Wright in House of Cards! Well deserved! (B)


9:19- That Shia LaBeouf dig from Jim Carrey was beautiful. (B)


9:22- And Best Supporting Actor goes to….Jared Leto for his beautiful performance in Dallas Buyers Club!!! (B)


9:23- Jordan Catalano… I mean… Jared Leto! Woohoo! (N)


9:28- Emma Thompson is killin’ it, dirty martini and high heels in hand. Best Screenplay goes to…Spike Jonze for Her! I’m the happiest of men!!! (B)


9:31- Laura Dern introduces her father’s movie, which is very, very cute.


9:35- And Best Actor for a TV Comedy goes to….THE ANDY SAMBERG. Beautiful. (B)


9:36- ANDY SAMBERG UPSETS OVER JIM PARSONS?!?! HOLY SHITBALLS!! I AM OVERJOYED. (N) You owe me a million dollars. (B) I’ll happily pay you. (N)


9:38- Best commercial goes to the Twitter ad for the next Muppets movie. (N)


9:41- Best Foreign Language Film goes to….The Great Beauty, from Italy! (B)


9:43- WHO is going to make a GIF of Julia Louis-Dreyfus eating a hot dog?!? Also, this bit wit

h Melissa McCarthy as Matt Damon. I can’t. (N)


9:45- Best Actor in a TV Miniseries goes to Michael Douglas in Behind the Candelabra! Am I the only one who caught that the announcer said he had previously won a Globe for “…Cuckoo’s Nest,” which he WASN’T IN?! (B)


9:46- No. No, you are not the only one who caught that. (N)


9:52- Emma Watson, her leggings, and Chris Pine are here to present something! (N)


9:53- Best Animated Feature goes to Frozen!!! Well deserved!! (B)


9:56- Best Actress in a TV Comedy goes to….Amy Poehler!!! While she is making out with Bono!!! Beautiful. (B)


9:57- Amy Poehler wins and OH LOOK I’M CRYING (N)


10:03- Woody Allen receives the Cecil B. DeMille award and, naturally, doesn’t bother to show up for it. Diane Keaton, looking fierce as hell in her Annie Hall best, shows up on his beh alf. (N)


10:10- Annnnnd Diane Keaton drunkenly sings the Girl Scout song. WHAT IS HAPPENING, YOU GUYS. (N) I love it! (B)


10:15- Liam Neeson purrs, in his best “Taken” voice, “this is Gravity.”


10:17- And Best Director goes to…..Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity! I was rooting for Steve McQueen, but Cuaron totally deserves it, definitely. (B)


10:18- Cuaron wins for Director Who Made Me The Dizziest This Year!! And also Best Director. Gravity was amazeballs. (N)


10:20- Perfect takedown of Michael Bay by Ms. Fey. (B)


10:21- And Best TV Comedy goes to….BROOKLYN NINE-NINE!!! I AM THE HAPPIEST!!!!!!!!! (B)




10:27- Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy goes to….Leonardo DiCaprio!!!!!! Fuckin’ deserves it!!! (B)


10:28- DiCaprio wins for the best performance I’ve ever seen from him. At least this softens the blow of him losing Best Actor to Chiwetel at the Oscars. (N)


10:37-And Best Picture Comedy or Musical goes to…..American Hustle. Whatever. Can’t even be bothered at this point. As long as it doesn’t get anywhere near Oscar. (B)


10:38- I just turned to my mom (yeah, I’m really cool) and said, “Ben is shitting his pants out of sheer fury right now.” (N) I’m just saying, every single one of those other nominees is better then that movie. (B)




10:46- Best Actress in a Drama goes to Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine! Well well WELL deserved. (B)


10:47- And, the arms race between Blanchett and Bullock gets even closer. That being said, Blanchett opens her speech by letting us all know she’s had a few vodkas and finishes it by reminding us that Judy Garland was addicted to barbituates! (N)


10:49- Best Actor in a Drama goes to….Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club!!! My dark horse! So glad to see him recognized for this! (B)


10:50- I, for one, am SHOCKED it didn’t go to Chiwetel, but from what I hear it’s greatly deserved. This tightens up the Best Actor race too. DAYUM. (N)


10:52- I’m trying to keep up with the level of drunkenness here at home, and I’m pretty sure I have cirrhosis of the liver. (N)


10:54- One more award this evening, and one final chance for 12 Years a Slave to win SOMETHING tonight. (B)


10:56- And Best Drama goes to….12 Years a Slave! Thank goodness it got SOMETHING! (B)

10:59- To quote Tina, this is the beautiful mess we hoped it would be! Goodnight! (N)

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