American Horror Story: Paint Me Like One of Your French Girls

I feel like I’ve really lost track of this season of AHS, but I also understand that this series is a pretty consistent shit-show and that maybe it’ll have a better ending than Coven, which is really all I can ask for. Still, this episode felt really muddled throughout – it never seemed to totally focus, and though it had a great shock-value scene right at the end, I guess I wasn’t invested enough for it to really land. As a result, I feel like I don’t have THAT much to write about, but there was like, a ton of weird peen stuff happening in this episode, so at least we’ve got that.

Pluses, or, Matt Bomer 4ever
-That beginning fantasy was about 200 points worth of fun – I’m referring to Russell Edgington dreaming about killing the twins – in terms of like, good direction and everything, but we’ll come back to that.
-This episode had one strong through-line, and that was Desiree’s story and awakening as a woman, which was performed so beautifully by professional lunatic Angela Bassett and which was actually quite touching and lovely (again, two words I never associate with this cracked out show). Turns out Desiree, born Derek, actually just grew an “accessory breast” thanks to an excess of estrogen, and her “ding-a-ling” is nothing more than an enlarged clitoris. After the doctor tells her that she makes him feel like a natural woman, he immediately follows up this life-changing news by telling her she’d better hurry up and have babies already. It is the 1950s, after all. Plus 1,000 points and a ding-a-ling for Desiree, whose journey this episode goes beyond finding out the truth about her gender identity – she starts things off getting drunk and crying onto Jimmy’s hands (do a shot for a Lobsterblast!) and finishes the episode off by telling Big Gay Dell to shove it and leaving him. Desiree’s great. More Desiree, please.
-Frances Conroy does a great “last girl in a horror movie” scream, so I’m pretty happy she got to show that off in last night’s opening. Plus one Jamie Lee Curtis.
-Matt Bomer is just the best. Plus 2,000 points for his delightfully weird little cameo. I love when he shows up. His agent should write a new contract where he’s only allowed to play http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ilLKu9VcOE. He’s just so good at it.
-Man, Dandy looks good shirtless, even if he is a homicidal maniac. Plus 500 points. And, actually, plus 500 more points for what a fucking SOCIOPATH he’s turned out to be – see his unconvincing act upon “discovering” Dora’s body.
Plus 5,000 points for Jessica Lange dressing up in that fabulous hat and ditching Mopey and Dopey with Gloria. This is promising.

Minuses, or, Anti-Climaxes Everywhere
-That murder-twin fantasy was STUPID and took up a disproportionate amount of time considering the anticlimactic finish (“we’re watching our figures”). Minus 1,000 points for going absolutely nowhere with that. Also, does that mean he didn’t kill Paul, either? I’m just confused.
-Every storyline except Desiree’s in this episode was actually kind of a giant mess. Jimmy is sad about Meep. Emma Roberts doesn’t want to sleep with him. Desiree had a botched hookup with her husband’s kid. Elsa TV star blah blah blah. Minus 2,000 points for this show, of all shows, feeling lackluster.
-I also don’t really understand the Dandy situation particularly well, ESPECIALLY with Gloria being totally cool to just cover everything up (?!?!?!) There was some really half-assed explanation about Dandy’s father also being a murderer who liked killing vagrants but that was such a bullshit exposition thing. Minus 10 murderclowns for introducing yet ANOTHER murderer with really ambiguous motives.
-What a boring introduction for Gabourey Sibide. Girl deserves better. Minus 100 minotaurs.
-I know I’ve said both of these things already, but JIMMY, MOVE ON. I AM DONE WATCHING YOU CRY OVER A MIDGET WHO BIT THE HEADS OFF OF LIVE BIRDS. Also, he and Emma Roberts have pretty weak chemistry together, which is confusing because they’re IRL engaged. I guess it is hard to act like you’re in love with your actual fiancé. Minus 10,000 points.

I’m sure you can tell I felt extremely blergh about this episode, so hopefully, next week will look up. Ryan Murphy should have learned by now that just throwing gore at the screen doesn’t distract us from a weak plot, but, he did keep Glee going for a million years, so I think we can all safely assume he doesn’t learn from his mistakes. See you next week!

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